Feedback on a new country song

[DooWahDiddy]

Hey guys,

This isn't for a particular listing; just a new country song I wrote with Jennifer Vazquez (she did the lyrics, I did the music). Just wondering what people thought of it! Imagine it with a full band; electric guitars, fiddle, etc. Kind of a "Before He Cheats" vibe. Hope you enjoy!

https://soundcloud.com/brandonsturiale/ ... mo/s-u0LlL

I Won't Be That Girl

Dear fear, you’re not real at all
But until now I’ll admit, I bowed to your name
Too old, no chance, my window closed, I missed the call
Who am I pretending to be somebody that I ain’t

Lines are being drawn now
I’m no longer following your fate
No can do, not playing that card today
I been crucified by your rules
How did I get here anyway
Oh you tried, and you tried
Tried to trap me in your world
But I won't be that girl
I won't be that girl

Dear fear, you play this game so well
Sneaky and sly, always unpredictable
You leave long enough for my wound to heal itself
As soon as I smile again, you throw me right back down that rabbit hole

Lines are being drawn now
I’m no longer following your fate
No can do, not playing that card today
I been crucified by your rules
How did I get here anyway
Oh you tried, and you tried
Tried to trap me in your world
But I won't be that girl
I won't be that girl

It's no use, it won't work anymore
I can see what you've been trying to do
You can't drag me down
'Cause ever since I found you out
I’ve been walking one step ahead of you
You won’t hear me make a sound, no

Lines are being drawn now
I’m no longer following your fate
No can do, not playing that card today
I been crucified by your rules
How did I get here anyway
Oh you tried, and you tried
Tried to trap me in your world
But I won't be that girl
I won't be that girl

[nick.moxsom]

Well, Brandon,

In my humble opinion, this could be a really good country song. Yes, I can imagine a full band, and the whole vibe, and yes I can hear Carrie singing it...

But the piano's not helping convey a country feel and it's throwing me right out of the roadhouse. Simple stabs would be more suitable, I reckon. And if you can, at least put down a drum part, or find someone else to do that for you.

Not sure if the chorus chord sequence is very current – it sounds more like a pre-chorus, to these ears. I'd like to hear it developed.

Best,
Nick

[DooWahDiddy]

Hey Nick, thanks for the feedback. I actually do have a fully-produced backing track I made in Garageband, but my co-writer (who also sang it) and I thought it would be best to keep it simple for the purposes of the demo. But country music isn't my usual thing; do you know if that's a good call? I can easily swap out the piano track for the band track without her having to redo the vocals.

The chorus... well, that's a bigger issue. Maybe I'll see if I'm able to develop it a bit more. Thanks again!

[funsongs]

After a listen and read - the lyrics strike me more as a pop or singer/songwriter (Alicia Keys) kind of song/story; but maybe that opinion is fueled by the piano demo.
And- I'm also coming from a more old-school, classic Country that would have fiddle & pedal steel. But, maybe this would fit into a New Country production well enough;
it doesn't hit me as the former. Rather than force it into a genre, maybe let it find its home by keeping it piano-driven - that seems to be working.

One lyric line that jumped out
Who am I pretending to be somebody that I aint

seems like it might sing more smoothly as
Who am I pretending to be someone I aint

Well - that' a little old dude's 2 cents.
Your mileage may vary.

[DooWahDiddy]

Hey Peter,

You're right on target; the full band demo version I was talking about actually has fiddle and pedal steel! The fiddle plays that riff at the beginning and throughout the song. Maybe I'll take her vocal and put it over the full band version so you guys can hear it.

[feaker66]

HI I will be anxious to hear this with guitar. Right now I can't get by the piano. I know it is a demo. Sometimes when I hear a demo that has the vocal way off key I get turned off as well. liked the story. Repost with the next version

Sincerely

Paul

[DooWahDiddy]

Okay, the people have spoken, haha! As I mentioned, I originally made a full-band demo but then we decided to keep it simple and just use piano (I don't play guitar well enough to do that). Maybe that was a mistake and we should have stayed with the full band, so here's the same vocal layered over that instead. Looking forward to seeing if that changes anything! https://soundcloud.com/brandonsturiale/ ... mo/s-KaNpw

[DooWahDiddy]

Thanks for the feedback, Paul. If any pop/R&B producers are reading this, let's chat, haha! Obviously I would have no problem going that direction if it meant getting a song cut, although I would probably need a producer's help, since that's not my usual style of writing (I'm more geared toward Billy Joel/Elton John, hence the piano demo). So yeah, if you have any ideas on how to make that happen, I'm all ears!

[funsongs]

For me, it's not a matter of the instrumentation - it's more in the chord progression, in addition to the lyrics; it just doesn't sound like a Country-style song - old school or New Country.
That doesn't have to be bad news - it might just be better suited to a singer/songwriter-pop style production & genre.
It's got decent bones, so it's worth doing 'properly', imho.
Good luck with it.
Cheers.

[johnlewitt]

Yeah, this isn't a country song. It sounds like it's from a musical (especially the piano demo version).

By playing with some cool beats, you could most likely make it an R&B tune (though I think you'd need a different singer). If you went that route, I'd tighten up the song some more (ditch a few lines here and there) and hammer away at the title hook more.

That's my two cents.

John