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 Coffe Shop In Heaven...rewrite..any advice ? 
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Hi Jon Just to be clear. Another taxi member "Donna " helped me with the second verse. I'm glad you liked it and most of the credit goes to her. This song might end up with a lot of co-writers the way it's going, and as far as I'm concerned, it's all about the song.

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Sun Feb 17, 2013 9:38 am
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Hi Songmaster,
I had some free time ... so I thought I'd add my two cents worth. It's funny how different things stand out to different people. For me it was the beginning of your V2:


(A few months) later, Daddy died
(seems like days?) later, daddy died

[(A few months) is a relatively long period of time. I find it very hard to believe he wouldn't have noticed his father's deteriorating condition ... and had 'that talk' with him. (A few months) is also a more objective time period. IMO a subjective and also shorter (seems like days) time period might work better here to convey more emotion (that is, with a quicker death) and the effect of emotion on perceived time (ie, time dilation like symptoms). A couple of weeks seemingly condensed into a few days. (Seems like days) also adds some assonance (like-died, days-later), and alliteration (days-Daddy-died]

Steve (aka, SimonSays)




songmaster wrote:
I have taken a lot of advice on this one ( big shout out to Donna ), and I think it is getting closer. Any more advice would be appreciated.

Coffee Shop In Heaven

Driving home one night from Grandpas
Dad and I, we hardly talked
Snow was falling in the headlights
As we approached that coffee shop

Dad said
How bout we stop here for a little while
But I saw some friends of mine inside
I lied and said I wasn't feeling well
It wasn't cool, to have your old man be your ride
So we just drove on by

Chorus
If I could go back to that one night
I'd tell that kid to swallow his pride
I'd hold the door so Dad could walk in
We'd spend a couple hours talkin
Even now, I can just imagine
Dad and I would end up laughin
If there's a coffee shop in Heaven
I hope I find him sitting there.

(A few months) later, Daddy died
Leaving Mom and me alone
His old work boots sat in the hall
His keys still hung there by the phone

Mom said
I know you miss him and it's gonna hurt
It's best you don't keep it inside
I'm grateful you both had a chance to talk
When he broke the news to Grandpa on that night
That he'd run out of time

Repeat chorus

Bridge

And I will look into his eyes
And be the son I was meant to be
If a thousand years go by
That might be long enough...for Dad and me.

Repeat chorus....I hope I find us sitting there. Last line.


Sun Feb 17, 2013 1:26 pm
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Hi Simon Thank you for your comments. It is amazing to me how many different perspectives there are on this song, and each one seems valid. Changing the time from a few months to a few days makes a lot of sense now that I'm playing it over in my mind. It makes the scene more real, and I like the alliteration of "days" and "died".

I will have to take a long look at this song and see if there is anything else that could strengthen it. I have had some invaluable advice.I just need to getter done.

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Mon Feb 18, 2013 8:55 am
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songmaster wrote:
Hi Simon Thank you for your comments. It is amazing to me how many different perspectives there are on this song, and each one seems valid. Changing the time from a few months to a few days makes a lot of sense now that I'm playing it over in my mind. It makes the scene more real, and I like the alliteration of "days" and "died".

I will have to take a long look at this song and see if there is anything else that could strengthen it. I have had some invaluable advice.I just need to getter done.


Hi Songmaster,
From the content of your last post ... It sounds as if you you didn't read my whole post. (Days) as a literal period of time, is just as unbelievable IMO as (months). A digestive system cancer, such as pancreatic cancer, might take someone within weeks ... but no cancer I know of could do it in literally (days). Hence my (seems like) subjective time suggestion. Oh, and I forgot to mention the consonance between (seems) and (days).
Steve


Mon Feb 18, 2013 10:45 am
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Hi Simon I understand now what you are saying ( I tend to read too fast ). I woke up about 4 this morning and did a little rewrite in my head. I feel that I'm getting closer to the emotion that I would like to see. Anyway, here is the 3rd or 4th rewrite. ( probably more to come ). I welcome any more suggestions and thank you all in advance.

COFFEE SHOP IN HEAVEN

Driving home one night in Winter....or from practice...or last Winter...or in silence...or ?
Dad and I, we hardly talked
Snow was falling in the headlights
As we approached that coffee shop

He said
How bout we stop here for a little while
But, I saw some friends of mine inside
I lied and said I wasn't feeling well
Cause it wasn't cool to have your old man be your ride
So we just drove on by

Chorus

If I could go back to that one night
I'd tell that kid to swallow his pride
I'd hold the door so Dad could walk in
We'd spend a couple hours talkin
Even now, I can just imagine
Him and I would end up laughin
Lord, I hope when my time here has ended
That there's a coffee shop in Heaven

Seems like yesterday since Daddy died
Leaving Mom and me alone
His old work boots sitting in the hall
His keys still hung there by the phone

Mom said
I know you miss him and it's gonna hurt
It's best you don't keep it inside
I'm grateful you both had a chance to talk
Son you know, your Daddy loved you all his life
I tried not to cry

Chorus

Bridge

And I will look into his eyes
And be the son I was meant to be
If a thousand years go by
That might be long enough, for Dad and me

Chorus....end.

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Tue Feb 19, 2013 7:09 am
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After reading it again, I still see a problem with the second verse ( i goofed ). The first line " Seems like yesterday " implies a longer period of time has passed. I think Simon was right and it should be , " Seems like a few days since Daddy died ". I think I am so close to this song that I am going cross eyed. Still, I think it's getting closer.

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Tue Feb 19, 2013 7:24 am
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songmaster wrote:
After reading it again, I still see a problem with the second verse ( i goofed ). The first line " Seems like yesterday " implies a longer period of time has passed. I think Simon was right and it should be , " Seems like (a few) days (since) Daddy died ". I think I am so close to this song that I am going cross eyed. Still, I think it's getting closer.


Hi again songmaster,
Please call me Steve or SimonSays (my tag here). Simon is my last name ... and It sounds weird to me being addressed that way.
I see you dropped (later) and use (since) instead. Unfortunately, that completely changes the meaning. (Later) measures time from the aborted coffee shop talk, to the dad's death. (Since) measures time from when the singer sings the song backwards to the dad's death ... which is an arbitrary time period. (It could be months or even years later.) That, and it says nothing about how long the time gap between the aborted talk and his death might have been. I recommended something like;


Seems like (only?) days later, Daddy died

Steve


Tue Feb 19, 2013 12:36 pm
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Hi Steve Sorry about the name mix up. Yes, after I posted the new lyrics I realized that "seems like yesterday totally changed the time frame, ( meaning he was looking back ). I agree that" Seems like (only) days later Daddy died" would make more sense. I just have to figure out how to say that and fit it in with the meter of the song.

Thanks for confirming that this line did not work. It's back to the drawing board.

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Wed Feb 20, 2013 6:26 am
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"Thanks again Jon, you've got me interested in looking at it again. I just have to wake up and smell the Coffee!"
I think it s well worth it.

Jon

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Fri Feb 22, 2013 10:34 pm
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Thanks Jon Yeah, I'm still working on it. I think I might record a ( really rough ) version so people can hear it. I don't have the best voice or recording eq. but I think folks will get the general idea. I need to know if the melody sounds dated or not. I know that Nashville is usually looking for uptempo songs as opposed to ballads, but you never know.

On a lighter note...if there IS a coffee shop in Heaven...do you need a washroom?

Maybe I'm over thinking this song?

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Sun Feb 24, 2013 8:47 am
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