Lay It All Down (Ballad)

[mikeShort]

I've been missing in action. Not writing much until I got the fire with FAWM (February Album Writing Month), a challenge to write 14 songs in 28 days. I've got drafts for 12, so unless something goes seriously wrong, I'm going to make it. But that's close to double the songs I wrote last year.

Anyway, of the FAWM songs, this one is my favorite. What do you think?

Lay It All Down
by Michael B. Short © 2014

I admire your playing
Alone up on that stage there
While the people aren't listening
They're talking sports and daycare
I've got this table all my own
And I hear every song
Will you play one for me

Chorus
Sing one
That's soft and slow
Sweet and low
That no one knows
One that reaches
Deep inside
Where the heart hides
And no one goes
Lay it all down
Lay it all down
For me

My heart's been packed on ice
I don't even visit
Hid it away to stop the pain
No way to live life, is it?
Is there a song that you can sing
That understands despair
Will you play it for me

Chorus

If I can't stop the tears that's good right?
If I hide my face and cry all night

Chorus

[simonsays]

Hi Mike. Yeah, It's been awhile for me too!

I've been missing in action. Not writing much until I got the fire with FAWM (February Album Writing Month), a challenge to write 14 songs in 28 days. I've got drafts for 12, so unless something goes seriously wrong, I'm going to make it. But that's close to double the songs I wrote last year.

Anyway, of the FAWM songs, this one is my favorite. What do you think?

Lay It All Down [I really like the title Mike! It cuts to the heart of the song IMO.]
by Michael B. Short © 2014

I admire your playing
Alone up on that stage there
While the people aren't listening
They're talking sports and daycare [Good line! I can imagine the conversations going on.]
I've got this table (all my own to myself?) [No meaning change + alitteration: table-to + assonance: I've-myself]
And I hear every song
Will you play one for me (please?)

Chorus [I love your Chorus Mike! just one nitpick below.]
Sing one
That's soft and slow
Sweet and low
That no one knows
One that reaches
Deep inside
Where (the my?) heart hides [personification + assonance: my-hides.]
And no one goes
Lay it all down
Lay it all down
For me

My heart('s been packed on ice hasn't seen the light?) [your visual 'Icepack' IMO doesn't connect well with your next two lines]
I don't even visit (Even I don't visit?) [ie, nobody visits ... not even me! ]
Hid it away to stop the pain
No way to live life, (now?) is it?
Is there a song that you can sing
That (understands shares my?) despair
Will you play it for me (please?)

Chorus

If I can't stop the tears that's good right? [I like these two line as well. ]
If I hide my face and cry all night

Chorus

[mikeShort]

Hi Steve-
I just wasn't writing, so I stopped coming. But I'm on a bit of a roll now, so I came back. I think I'm done with Taxi, though. Just too frustrating.

The table line ... I like the sound ideas, but it "I've got this table to myself" sounds odd to me. I'll think about it, though.

The people aren't listening has been changes to "Nobody listening" because when real people were listening, they couldn't understand "aren't". Too many consonants in a row, and the "n't" disappeared. The things we have to think about!

I'll think about the "please." It took me thirty minutes to figure out how to sing that line properly even after I had the melody; the wrong words kept popping!

"My" heart. Maybe on the second and third choruses, once the singer really opens up to the fictional singer. That would be a lovely contrast, and the word play strengthens the chorus. So doing it later does double duty.

I like the swap of the word even. I have to decide which meaning I like better, but I'm leaning towards changing it.

I had the now in the live life line, but took it out. With the music the way it is (I'm cheating, I know), it works better without it.

I like "understand" because it implies that songs take on a life of their own. They do, and it's a concept I like. I admit it's not purely conversational.

Thanks for taking the time. I really like this song, and I want it to be great. I hope others will check in, even if it's to say they like it.

Mike

[mikeShort]

I took a lot of Steve's suggestion (and left a few behind), and came up with this:

Lay It All Down
by Michael B. Short © 2014

I admire your playing
Alone upon the stage there
Nobody listening
They're talking sports and daycare
I've got this table to myself
And I hear every song
Will you play one for me

Chorus
Sing one
That's soft and slow
Sweet and low
That no one knows
That reaches
Deep inside
Where my heart hides
And no one goes
Lay it all down
Lay it all down
For me

My heart's been packed on ice
Even I don't visit
Frozen away to stop the pain
No way to live life, is it?
Is there a song that you can sing
That understands despair
Will you play it for me

Chorus

If I can't stop the tears that's good right?
If I hide my face and cry all night

Chorus

[mikeShort]

A couple of other minor changes, taking even more of Steve's suggestions. It's rounding into form quite nicely!

Lay It All Down
by Michael B. Short © 2014

I admire your playing
Alone upon the stage there
Nobody here is listening
They're talking sports and daycare
I've got this table to myself
And I hear every song
Will you play one for me

Chorus
Sing one
That's soft and slow
Sweet and low
That no one knows
That reaches
Deep inside
Where my heart hides
And no one goes
Lay it all down
Lay it all down
For me

My heart's been packed on ice
Even I don't visit
Frozen solid to stop the pain
No way to live life, is it?
Is there a song that you can sing
Born of deep despair
Will you play it for me

Chorus

If I can't stop the tears that's good, right?
If I hide my face and cry all night

Chorus