Critique needed on lyrics and song structure - thanks in adv

[Oma]

Dear fellow forumites,
Please help this aspiring songwritter.
So I have renewed my Taxi subscription, after about a year of hibernating and trying to hone my craft, but as it appears I'm not quite there yet. I just got the returns from the first set of submissions I did and I got a lot of critique on my lyrics and song structure not being contemporary enough or not being consistent, so I will really appreciate any help/comments on a new song I'm writing, even before I go ahead to record a demo. It's a contemporary Christing piece, any comments on the lyrics, phrasing and song structure will be greatly appreciated, there's no bridge yet, I'll get around to that.

Thanks in advance.

(PS. The capital letters in bracket, represent the melody phrasing of each line)


LIQUID LOVE

VERSE 1

I can feel your love, running through my veins (A)
I drink in your presence, like water to my soul (B)
Filling me, cleansing me (C)
You’re the essence of my being (D)

You have melted me; I am poured out like perfume (A)
I soak in the ambience, your light washes over me (B)
Flowing free, mixing in (C)
I am blended with your Spirit (D)


CHORUS

And your love reaches out
Your liquid flowing love fills me up
From the fountain of heaven
Straight to this vessel
It never runs dry
Your liquid love for me


VERSE 2

You divided seas, and turned water into wine (A)
The universe and heavens, are suspended in your hands (B)

So who am I to deserve (C)
That you’d hold me when I cry (D)
When I’m far, we’re still one (C)
Just as the ocean meets the sky (D)


CHORUS

And your love reaches out
Your liquid flowing love fills me up
From the fountain of heaven
Straight to this vessel
It never runs dry
Your liquid love for me

[VanderBoegh]

Hi Oma, I'm not much of a lyrical critiquer, especially when I'm just reading the words on a screen. For me, the vocal delivery and music choices are what makes the lyrics come alive. That being said, I can't really offer you much advice at the moment. Maybe if you record a really rough guitar/vocal demo - heck, do it on your phone - I might get a better idea of what's working and what isn't, along with have some suggestions for structure.

~~Matt

[Oma]

Okay, thanks a lot Matt. I'll do a rough demo and post it. Thanks for the advice.

[Casey H]

LIQUID LOVE

VERSE 1

I can feel your love, running through my veins (A)
I drink in your presence, like water to my soul (B)
Filling me, cleansing me (C)
You’re the essence of my being (D)

You have melted me; I am poured out like perfume (A)
I soak in the ambience, your light washes over me (B)
Flowing free, mixing in (C)
I am blended with your Spirit (D)


CHORUS

And your love reaches out
Your liquid flowing love fills me up
From the fountain of heaven
Straight to this vessel
It never runs dry
Your liquid love for me


VERSE 2

You divided seas, and turned water into wine (A)
The universe and heavens, are suspended in your hands (B)

So who am I to deserve (C)
That you’d hold me when I cry (D)
When I’m far, we’re still one (C)
Just as the ocean meets the sky (D)


CHORUS

And your love reaches out
Your liquid flowing love fills me up
From the fountain of heaven
Straight to this vessel
It never runs dry
Your liquid love for me

Hi Oma
It's hard to give much feedback without music, as Matt said but some things jumped out of me simply reading the lyrics but not doing much analysis on what they are conveying.

I don't see (?) a consistent rhyming pattern from verse to verse. It would be a good idea to do that "A", "B", "C" thing on the lines to show the rhyming scheme. For example:

Since you went away (A)
The world turned black and white (B)
The sky is never blue (C)
The sun shines dark as night (B)

The above shows the 2nd and 4th line rhyming ("B") but not the 1st and 3rd. If you make this consistent from verse to verse, it will be much more memorable. I also wasn't sure if you had the same number of lines in Verse 1 and 2. That isn't absolutely required but recommended for beginning songwriters. It's better to learn and practice the "rules" first and break them later.

Your chorus would be much stronger if it had ANY rhyming pattern that would easily stick in a listener's head. I see "vessel" and "heaven" are near rhymes. It's hard to tell without hearing but often having the last (hopefully) hook line rhyme with something earlier in the chorus makes it shine more.

There are no ABSOLUTE rules but starting out, doing the basics is a good idea.

Best,
Casey

[Oma]

Thanks so much Casey, I'm honoured you responded. Yes I'll do a rough demo of the song so it's easier to understand and I'll post it up. I totally get your point about a consistent rhyme scheme, but I was trying do something a bit different. I also was thinking the chorus could be stronger so I'll try and work on that again. Hmm this songwritting is actually harder than I thought but I'm learning a lot, thanks a lot and I appreciate the input.