Singer-songwriter song revamped

[denalihighway]

Hey guys,

I submitted this as a solo acoustic / vocal number to a listing a while ago. It was nice but I felt it deserved the 'band treatment'. I've added all kinds of stuff to it now and its almost sounding like a proper song...

Hoping to have it and submit it to the darker / sombre, singer/songwriter love-song listings that pop up pretty frequently.

Wondering if I could get your comments on the mix and general production. I've been approaching over-sensitivity with it so thought it was time to see what people thought before I over-egged it.

I've deliberately kept the drums very minimal. Hopefully not too minimal.

EDIT...can i add that i wasnt planning on pitching to artists. its more a labour of love..more film/TV/library if i were so lucky.

Many thanks for your comments as always.

https://soundcloud.com/stasissounds/lov ... 28/s-RN6nX

Lyrics:
Love’s Lot

(Words and music Gareth Ebbs)

Yesterday we went talking
To fix each others’ heads
Today we went walking
And now it’s dead
Like a whirlwind ripped through us and spit us out again

So I got past the river and I got so down
How are we going to pull ourselves around
Your face gave me shivers and I got so down
If this is love’s lot then I’ll stay underground

Would we have bothered meeting
If we knew the cost
‘Cause now there’s two of us bleeding
And both of us are lost
I guess sometimes we jump when we’re not sure where we may land

So I got past the river and I got so down
How are we going to pull ourselves around
Your face gave me shivers and I got so down
If this is love’s lot then I’ll stay underground

I guess sometimes we jump when we’re not sure where we may land

[Casey H]

Hi Gareth
I can't comment too much on production-- not my area... So I'll stick to the song itself.

I'm not hearing enough of a chorus that's differentiated from the verse to maintain the listener's interest. It sounds like there are some cool lyrics in there (you should post lyrics with songs) but structurally it needs work. It needs that change/lift by less than about a minute in.

HTH
Casey

[denalihighway]

Hi Casey,

thanks for that - lyrics added

yeah admittedly, I knew it wasn't "blow you out of the water" hooky for sure...thought it had something though. Trust you guys more than me though!

I see this more as a background piece - not something to be pitched to artists etc - it certainly doesn't have that edge. It was one of those 'spat out' kinda songs and I liked the pedestrian nature of it. But if its flat...its no good...

Food for thought - thanks
Gar

[bobporri]

Yes Gar, I sure like ending my listening on a really depressing note. Just kidding . I really like the song, feel the sentiment, and like the addition of the other instruments (I am pretty sure I heard this before.) It does certainly move rather slowly, but I feel you qualified that already. I could hear it as a laid back background for some thematic scene.

Bob P.

[denalihighway]

Thanks Bob. Unfortunately, it's autobiographical which sucked, I lost a couple o weeks there recently - but c'est la vie. I hope that's not what's keeping me from going back to square one on it. I know I shouldn't be too precious about it.

I just feel like it serves its purpose musically and to pull it apart in search of a hit would ruin it. I dunno if I'm right about that though.

I am gonna sit down and see about a big chorus though, or even just providing better textural contrasts between verse/chorus - what Casey said is deffo worth looking at.

Thanks
Gar

[nick.moxsom]

Hey, Gar,

You have an interesting (and different) style.

I'm not sure how to comment on this, given that you'd rather let it be than work it up... not quite sure what you're asking, but if you work up a stronger chorus, I think it would help to dramatically change the line lengths from the verses. One sure-fire way to make a chorus anonymous (imho) is to write it like a verse. I'd look for a phrase that you can hang the whole thing on – something just a few syllables long that you can repeat, that sums up the vibe of the song.

Just my two cents' worth.

Nick

[Halswell]

Hey Gar,

Am I allowed to comment on this after turning our last collab into a 6 month odyssey? Anyway, I think your intro/outro "ahs" could be brought back around in the chorus as a layering tool (would need to alter it rhythmically) to give it some lift. Also, as someone else suggested, think about repeating the last "if this is love's lot... underground" line. It's strong.

[Casey H]

Hello again
Another thing to think about is the phrase/title "Love's Lot" is a bit awkward and not something you would hear too much in normal conversation. It would be better to have a hook phrase that is more relatable such as "the way love is" (just one example).

I have other comments on the lyrics... I'll come back later.

Casey

[Casey H]

Hi again... Some thoughts on lyrics. Please take this in the constructive spirit it's meant!

I suggest you try to plan better what exactly you want to say in each section before trying to rhyme. Sometimes if that isn't done right, words are used to force rhymes that don't really make sense. Sometimes I make a little outline. What do I want to say in Verse 1 to introduce the subject? What do I want to say in Verse 2 to add more info to that? What's my "summary" for the chorus? For a bridge, what can I tell the listener that they haven't already heard in the verses and chorus?

My comments in (parenthesis)...

Love’s Lot

(Words and music Gareth Ebbs)

Yesterday we went talking ... ("went talking" would be better as "were talking")
To fix each others’ heads ... (the "fix heads" thing is very awkward. Needs more natural words)
Today we went walking ... (OK but talking/walking is a fairly common, cliché rhyme)
And now it’s dead ... (What is dead? Don't know what "it's" refers to)
Like a whirlwind ripped through us and spit us out again ... (The whirlwind ripped THROUGH you, didn't swallow you so the "spit us out" doesn't make sense)

So I got past the river and I got so down ... (It was "we" before, now it is "I"?)
How are we going to pull ourselves around ... (Don't know what this means)
Your face gave me shivers and I got so down ... (Back to "we" again if you saw her face?)
If this is love’s lot then I’ll stay underground ... (underground? Need a clearer word for what you mean. And "Love's Lot, as I mentioned, is awkward, hard to sing, and not the most relatable hook phrase)

Would we have bothered meeting ... ("Meeting" or having the relationship?)
If we knew the cost
‘Cause now there’s two of us bleeding
And both of us are lost
I guess sometimes we jump when we’re not sure where we may land

So I got past the river and I got so down
How are we going to pull ourselves around
Your face gave me shivers and I got so down
If this is love’s lot then I’ll stay underground

I guess sometimes we jump when we’re not sure where we may land

HTH
Casey

[eeoo]

I'm not going to comment on lyrics or structure or marketability or anything like that but I will comment on overall vibe: Killer! I love the whole vibe and production, to me it almost doesn't matter what your saying lyrically because I get everything I need from the vibe. Love this, great work!

eo