"Woman Again" - feedback needed

[simonaradu]

Hello,

I've been working on a new song for a while and I discovered that writing lyrics about passion and lust without sounding cheesy or cliche is HARD (no pun intended ).
So I need your advice on this first draft, if you can spare a few moments. I'm interested in knowing if it sounds natural to you (I'm not a native speaker) and if the story makes sense to you.

Thank you in advance!
Simona

WOMAN AGAIN

We met by chance,
Two strangers in a room
We had our lives
All figured out
Yet we both felt
Sparks would be flying soon
Unspoken words came out

Hey, will you feed me with your fingers
Will you bring lust into my eyes
Will you make me feel like a woman again?
Will you read me with your fingers
Will you bring joy into my eyes
Will you make me feel like a woman again?

Your lips on my skin,
Flashes of some other worlds
Yet pleasure and guilt
Were holding hands
Our bodies embraced,
My mind pushing you away
Only to cross that line again

Hey, will you feed me with your fingers
Will you bring lust into my eyes
Will you make me feel like a woman again?
Will you read me with your fingers
Will you bring joy into my eyes
Will you make me feel like a woman again?

Again, again, again, again,
Again, again, again, again

Will I ever see you again?

[PaulBergren]

Yes I think it sounds natural and the story makes sense. To me, strengths of the lyrics are the imagery of "read me with your fingers" and "pleasure and guilt were holding hands." I might change the line "sparks would be flying soon." A little cliche. Also, I want that last line of the 2nd verse to be more obvious and erotic. You have painted such a great picture to that point and I want it to continue. I know what you mean by "cross that line," but why be shy now?

[simonaradu]

Thanks Paul, great input!

I know what you mean about those 2 lines, I felt the same, but couldn't find a better way to say the same thing... I guess I'll keep digging!
I'm glad the chorus is working, I wasn't sure about that phrasing. You said "read me with your fingers" is a strength... maybe I should change the order of the lyrics and make that the first line of the chorus?

Thanks again, much appreciated!
Simona

[nylyrics]

I wonder what would happen if you wrote this from the perspective of getting to the point of saying things like this to the one your with?

I think you are on to something good - what could you say that would resonate in that way?

Nice images and layout for the story.

Andy

[simonaradu]

Hey Andy, you read my mind!

I was thinking about this perspective too, before writing the verses (the initial inspiration was the chorus, which came first). So I could go either way... I guess I chose this version because it felt more emotionally charged, more controversial and more interesting to explore and express.

But you know what, I could have two versions of the song, one addressed to the lover/partner/husband and one addressed to the stranger. Hmmm... food for thought!

Thank you, Andy!

[deantaylor]

Hey Simona,

I really like .. read me with your fingers .. and ... pleasure and guilt, Were holding hands

v1 may be too much setup. You might have them meet (lustily) in the first 2 lines and then dive right into how the passion and lust feel.

Also .. Will you make me feel like a woman again? .. might not be well enough supported, you never said you weren't feeling like a woman .. might be a bit too cliché as well .. how about making that say 'make me feel like MORE THAN a woman' in some cool way .. like make me feel like a warrior queen, or a goddess of the stars, or a guerilla fighter! .. some powerful sensual image

I like your FB and BC art! Will try to listen later.

Dean

[simonaradu]

Hey Dean,

Thanks for the feedback... you know I'm a Guerrilla fighter, right?
Yup, verse 1 might feel like a long setup, but I felt it was important to let the listener know the circumstances under which the two people meet... the song is not only about 2 people attracted to each other, it is also about the battle between guilt and lust, and about a woman's vulnerability... should she stay faithful to her partner (even though that relationship is not fulfilling for her as a woman) or should she give in to lust and feel like a woman again?

That was my intention, at least... maybe that's not transparent enough..?

I'm curious to know a female perspective on this... on how a woman would relate to this story.

Btw, I listened to Mad July on Bandcamp, you guys rock!

Keep in touch,
Simona

[deantaylor]

theme was not fully clear to me .. but that could be my problem.

v1 has very few words. it is hard to setup a complex theme and get good poetry and imagery and grab the listener in only a few words. but it is a beautiful thing if you can do it.

Yes! your Guerrilla fighter tag is grabbing. have you written a song about that?

[simonaradu]

Yes, I did write a song about that!

It was a hit in Romania last year, and it was making fun of silly mainstream music and was giving praise to a Romanian radio station called Radio Guerrilla (which broadcasted only quality music, of course, including this song ).

Here's the Romanian version (with English subtitles, but you have to know the Romanian songs of which I'm making fun of, in order to understand the irony of the lyrics):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01B3xhZtIes

And here's the English version, with a totally different topic:
http://simonaradu.bandcamp.com/track/ll ... sh-version

[deantaylor]

Loved both versions. Video is great. You are a good actor. I like the split screen format.

I Am I is also very good. Nice background art in that video. You have very cool artwork. Do you do it?

One further thought on your lyric. The line: We had our lives All figured out ... now that I know the theme, I think I know what you are trying to get at with this line .. but it can easily be interpreted as .. I am satisfied .. which contradicts what you want.