new song Look At This Man

[songmaster]

I just wrote this song a few days ago and would love some feedback. I am trying my new AKG mic for the first time, so this is a rough demo. Nothing is set in stone, so any and all comments are welcome.I have noticed lately that a lot of listings are asking for moody introspective songs, so this is what I am attempting here with a " bare bones " approach. Below are the lyrics. Thanks in advance. P.S. When I wrote this I was thinking about the character " Rick " in the tv series " The Walking Dead ". It really helped me to focus on a situation of a desperate man. The song is on my Taxi page.

Look At This Man

Look at this man I've become
Look where the scars are coming from
Don't judge me from my past mistakes
I have chances still to take

I can't retrieve the blood I've cost
My own has stained this heavy cross
For I have walked a fragile line
And left my sanity behind

Look at this man who once believed
That anything could be achieved
But everything that once made sense
No longer comes to my defence

I go to sleep, I go to war
I fight the demons at my door
To find my way, to face the dark
I know I must forgive my heart

Bridge

You'd think I'd know by now
The futures written in the past
Written in the past
Still I'm learning how
To live each day
As if it were my last

Look at this man who can't give up
This stubborn fool believes in love
That some great truth will always win
And let the fallen rise again

And when the host of angels ride
These rusted doors will open wide
Then when the last of us are free
I will fall down on my knees

[feaker66]

Tom

I'm not much into lyrics.

Really liked the verse. Done well and sincere. Guitar sounds good as well.

I would say the only thing missing is a little change like a little bigger punch in the chorus.

Enjoyed it

Sincerely

Paul

[songmaster]

Thanks Paul

I am just getting use to the mic., so I am glad that you thought the acoustic guitar had a good sound. I still need to experiment. This song actually dosen't have a chorus. I put in a bridge, just to break it up some. I'm not a 100% sure whether the bridge helps the song or not. I tried to make the song honest and tv friendly. I might redo it and add some more instuments and see how it goes.

Thanks again

Tom

[deantaylor]

Tom, there might be greatness in this lyric. I couldn't stop reading it. Really like it.

I urge you to sit with it as long as needed and then some more .. play with it .. refine it .. make it the best it can be.

Leonard Cohen wrote 80 verses for "Hallelujah" .. to make sure it was it's best.

I couldn't listen .. hope to later.

[nylyrics]

Tom:

There is greatness in this lyric to trump Deans comment! What im gonna suggest you need is a composer collaborator.

I have to say your line:

"you'd think i'd know by now" is a HR -homerun. A little more drama in that line melody wise...

I see that line as the start of a pre-chorus or if you like aaba your B opening line.

Think about it.

Andy

[LamarPecorino]

Can't wait to hear the finished version of your new song.

[songmaster]

Thank you Dean Andy and Lamar

Dean, thank you for that overwhelming compliment on the lyrics. Coming from you I really appreciate it. I have heard that Leonard Cohen takes weeks just to find one line. Often times I will come up with a line out of the blue and write it down to use later and try to fit it into a song. But you are right about not rushing a song, now I just need to practise patience

Andy, I think you are right about me needing a collaborator on this one. I am trying to keep the aaba structure, but I think that maybe I have too many verses and I do tend to think that the bridge is a little weak ( it may also be my lack of singing ability ). It might be time for a re-write. I am open to anyone who would like to collaborate on this one.

Also, thank you Lamar for your interest, I also can't wait to hear it finished.

Tom

[BillPerry]

This is a beautiful song with really moving lyrics. I like the bridge and think you should keep it, but agree that you might try moving the melody up a little in that section, particularly in the first line or two; "You think I'd know by now" evokes a feeling of desperation and frustration, and I can hear it coming in at a higher pitch, or moving up to a higher pitch.

Really nice!

Bill Perry

[songmaster]

Hey Bill

Thank you for your interest. Yes, there is something about the bridge that needs a boost. Maybe even a change in rhythm. I will have to experiment and see what happens. maybe even put it aside for awhile to get a better perspective. I'm glad that you think the bridge is worth saving. Thanks again for listening.

Tom

[johnlewitt]

Tom,

Definitely a 70's singer/songwriter vibe here. It's a song that calls for the accompaniment to be built slowly and beautifully. I was hearing a female harmony come in halfway through the songs, so you might want to consider that.

Right now it's a very nice, delicate demo.

John