Would this verse be ok in film or TV?

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Damiano
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Would this verse be ok in film or TV?

Post by Damiano » Fri Jan 09, 2015 10:45 am

Hey guys
I'm wanting to submit a song which is perfect for a particular film and TV listing, however, I'm worried my second verse may be a bit too descriptive for film and TV. The rest of the song is fine, with universal lyrics. Should I do a quick re-write and re-record the vocal? Or you think I could get away with this?


verse 2
Gotta get back, my girl called today
she ain't too happy, said we gotta get back and talkin, talkin
Gotta get back, to my love today
stay up late with a bottle of wine and get things going, flowin

Appreciate your feedback

Thanks guys

Damien

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Re: Would this verse be ok in film or TV?

Post by magicjuani » Fri Apr 10, 2015 1:11 pm

Damiano wrote:Hey guys
I'm wanting to submit a song which is perfect for a particular film and TV listing, however, I'm worried my second verse may be a bit too descriptive for film and TV. The rest of the song is fine, with universal lyrics. Should I do a quick re-write and re-record the vocal? Or you think I could get away with this?


verse 2
Gotta get back, my girl called today
she ain't too happy, said we gotta get back and talkin, talkin
Gotta get back, to my love today
stay up late with a bottle of wine and get things going, flowin

Appreciate your feedback

Thanks guys

Damien
It looks good to me!
The only thing that may deserve a re-write is the explicit mention of 'a bottle of wine'. You may want to say it differently by suggesting the obvious without screaming out its name.

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Re: Would this verse be ok in film or TV?

Post by Kolstad » Fri Apr 10, 2015 1:26 pm

I don't know about the specific listing you are targeting, so I'll make a general comment.

Lyrics can describe detail in two ways, external and internal.
External detail can be specifics about what people say and do in a specific time and place.
Internal detail can be how they experience, think and feel things.

In tv/film, in general, internal detail works best because you don't want to intrude on the story in the show or film. You need to be extremely lucky if your external detail fits with the production, and you probably need the supervisor to screen the submissions in that case.

Your verse is full of external detail, like "Gotta get back", "my girl called today", "said we gotta get back and talkin, talkin", "Gotta get back, to my love today", "stay up late with a bottle of wine"

The internal detail would be "she ain't too happy", "and get things going, flowin".

So, I would rewrite and rerecord if I possibly could. If you submit as is, I would not expect a forward.

But that's just my half cent. Check out Robin Fredrick's books on songwriting for more ideas about internal and external detail.
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