Does this make grammatical sense?

[Bliciouz]

Hello guys,

I'm rewriting one of my songs. I've got a few new lines but I'm not really sure if they are correct grammatically.
The lines are:
But we end up avoiding the beasts in our bed
and I'm considering breaking the covers.

The first line is about avoiding problems in the relationship. The second is supposed to have a double meaning. The first one is considering leaving the situation, described as leaving the bed. The second one is getting away from the excuses we hide behind.
So my question is, does this make sense? Your help is much appreciated!

Grtz Bert

[Len911]

Hey Bert, if the lines are to stand alone without any more lines for context and clarity, the sense I get is that you sleep with your dogs and /or cats and are tucked in under the blankets to prevent you from rolling over on them and injuring them, you are considering removing the blankets to see if you can still avoid them without the blankets.

"beasts in our bed" imo needs the most clarification. Metaphorically, and bed being most often a symbol of sex, what might beasts be?

To be fair, that wasn't the question, though I would question that if the meaning was lost, what is the point of the grammar?

[funsongs]

fwiw:
Think I'm in agreement with Len that the metaphor is a bit cloudy & vague; therefore, grammar is not the main issue. However, your explanation has merit; so, choosing more descriptive language would seem to be helpful and worth the effort to rethink/re-write it.
hth,
Peter

[Russell Landwehr]

grammar isn't really important in lyrics... and I'm sure the rest of your lyrics will clear up the guys' confusion.

that being said, if you go too far into creative grammar that the lyric sounds contrived just to get a rhyme, then that's a no-no

Russell

[Bliciouz]

Hey guys,

Thanks for the replies. I was so caught up in the writing that I forgot that you'll need the whole lyric sheet to understand what I'm getting at. The lyrics are for a song I wrote called 'When She Cries'. For those of you who need to hear it, there's an old sample on my Soundcloud.

I wake as she silently closes the door
And I pretend to be sleeping
It’s not the first time she’s come home late
And not the first that I’m thinking of leaving

But something’s been keeping me from leaving her
Cause I couldn’t bear to see her get hurt

Cause when she cries the tears in her eyes they break me down
Her aching heart it tears me apart down to my soul
And I could not bear to leave her there on her own

Now we’ve tried to talk about the things unsaid
That drive us away from each other
But we end up avoiding the beasts in our bed
And I'm considering breaking the covers

But something’s been keeping me from leaving her
Cause I couldn’t bear to see her get hurt

Cause when she cries the tears in her eyes they break me down
Her aching heart it tears me apart down to my soul
And I could not bear to leave her there on her own

Cause when the tears are running down her face my world just falls to pieces
And I just have to make it stop no matter what the reason
Cause it just hurts me so…

… when she cries the tears in her eyes they break me down
Her aching heart it tears me apart down to my soul
And I could not bear to leave her there on her own
No I could not bear to leave her there on her own


The lines are part of the second verse which used to be:

Now we’ve tried to talk about the things unsaid
That drive us away from each other
But it seems to be making it harder instead
And I wonder why we even bother

I found them to be very dull so I'm looking to change them. As you can see the song is somewhat themed around the bedroom so that's why I came up with the bed part.

Grtz Bert

[Len911]

I like the original better, the rewrite changes the style in the middle of a stanza.

[funsongs]

I like the original better, the rewrite changes the style in the middle of a stanza.

+1 = agree again...

[Bliciouz]

Hey guys,

Thanks, that's great input. I was doubting the old lines because they raise the question 'what is making it harder instead'? What is happening that makes it harder to talk about the things that drive us away from each other. I want to state that answer in the line instead of raising the question. So initially I just planned on changing the 3rd line but then I tried changing the 4rth too. I think I got carried away in the proces. Anyway I understand that you're saying that the switch in perspective between line 1/2 and 3/4 is too big. I think you're right, it will probably pull the listener out of the emotional flow. I'll see if I can come up with something better then which fits the picture.

Bert