The Dead Next Door

Want your lyics reviewed? Post 'em up!

Moderators: admin, mdc, TAXIstaff

Post Reply
jakyla
Active
Active
Posts: 43
Joined: Sat Jan 24, 2015 10:39 am
Gender: Male
Contact:

The Dead Next Door

Post by jakyla » Mon Jan 26, 2015 4:20 pm

I think this might be too elaborate or overdone to be effective as lyrics but I like the mood it captures

'Copywrite'
September 18, 2014
Winston Jay Jones

             The Dead Next Door   
                         ( One )
Just enough left to meet you halfway,
I considered that journey just the other day.
While I put my ghosts back in their bed
,your lips lay close to my uncultivated head,
misery loves company you whispered and said.   
                       ( Chorus )
Our shattered mirrors hold cracked illusions,
growing thorny hedges bearing tasteless delusions,
dripping heavier schemes, feeding fractured conclusions.
Decaying candle light heats our comatose musty minds,
all that's left is duress that clothes our test of time.
                            (Two)
Your magnificence keeps hurting my eyes,
while my decency keep attacking your insides.
Your store bought beauty loves abusing me,
ya Etiquette Decorum picks away at me,
yours will be the hands that bury me. 
                           (Three)
Any warmth to our day, diminishes, washes away
she sits in her chair and we just both stare
Sadly we are just too bloody laborious
For our love could never be judged victorious
for us to ever be fucking notorious   
                          ( Four )
We never percolate so what's to reciprocate,
she likes to cry, me, only from one eye, 
She's neither happy or sad, I'm just stuck on madd
Our fragmented ties shred her eyes n darkens my soul,
the popcorn is gone n the credits begin 2 roll 
                                                                                     W. Jay Jones

TheFates
Active
Active
Posts: 47
Joined: Thu Mar 26, 2015 7:46 am
Gender: Female
Contact:

Re: The Dead Next Door

Post by TheFates » Tue Apr 14, 2015 8:39 am

Hi Winston,

Thanks for sharing your lyrics. My comments are below

1) "uncultivated head" - What does this mean?
2) "whispered and said" redundant
3) The lyrics are very wordy and most of the metaphors don't hold (i.e. hedges don't bear anything nor do they drip; Why would someone's magnificence hurt your eyes?)
5) Narrative wise: the song doesn't explain why the relationship has dissolved or what the singer plans on doing about it (perhaps nothing, but you should make this more clear)

Thanks!

Elizabeth

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 7 guests