You dont like me. Advice please.

[Ironbarkbob]

Hey all.
Need some advice on this song.
Not too worried about the vocals.

Would like to know if this song and the lyrics
are good enough to submit?

I have no plans to be a singer would just like to write for others.
Is there any room for improvement for presentation?




https://soundcloud.com/ironbarkbob/you-dont-like-me

You dont like me

Well you dont like me till Im gone.
All my ambitions going wrong.

I come second last in the human race.
I gotta move on and get out this place.

Well you dont seem to like me till Im gone.
You dont like me

Well Im always running second best.
Im standing miles behind the rest.

Talk to me me like Ive never been.
You much rather me far off this scene.

Well you dont seem to like me till Im gone.


Chorus
Well you dont see or like the things I do.
Well you dont want to help me make it through.

Fill

Well your always saying to go home.
Though this the only place Ive ever known.

You snile at me when theres others there.
And when their gone well you just dont care.

Well you dont seem to like me till Im gone.

Well you use your tounge like a sword.
It unfolds the three fold chord.

The best advice I can give to you.
Is do unto others as they do to you.

Well you dont seem to like me till Im gone.

Chorus
Well you dont see or like the things I do.
Well you dont want to help me make it through.

Well you dont like me till Im gone.
All my ambitions going wrong.

I come second last in the human race.
I gotta move on and get out this place.

Well you dont seem to like me till Im gone.
Well you dont seem to like me till Im gone.
Well you dont seem to like me till Im gone.

[RockChild56]

Hey Bob,

This song reminds me of a great Bar song (Country/ Alt. Country) form the mid to late seventies.
In the vane of "Tulsa Time".
That would be the sort of listing I would target.

There are more qualified folks in this forum to give you advice.
So I'll just leave it there.

EJB

[tedvanko]

I love the hook line. Kinda sounded liked the verses want to go country and the chorus takes on a early Beatles feel. Maybe a bridge somewhere to break it up the chords a bit? Going back to listen in case I missed one in there already. Also reminded me a little of the early Johnny Cash which I like. I'm kinda new at this so weigh my comments accordingly. Keep'em coming!

[Ironbarkbob]

Thanks guys.
I am not only enjoying your feed back but appreciate you time.
Thank you.
Rob/Bob

[larrymagee]

Hi Bob - Good hook. I think what you are calling a chorus is really a bridge. The song has the AABA form like these - "Something" George Harrison / "Blue Moon" / "Save the Last Dance for Me" /
"Just the Way You Are", etc.

Your melody / chord choice for the bridge doesn't seem to match the very traditional melody of the verses, so that's something to think about. It's doesn't feel satisfying to me.

The lyrics are a good start but could be a lot better if you can figure out how to make them visual. That's easy for me to say but very hard for anyone to do. Maybe think of things that are better when they are gone to use as similes - rainy days is one example.

Nice energy in the song. Keep at it. I agree that you'll want to wait for a traditional country listing before sending it in. That might give you some time to rework some things.

Have you read "Shortcuts to Hit Song Writing"? I recommend it.

[Ironbarkbob]

Hello larrymagee.
The lyrics are about a gossiping wife, no sexism intended as its based on a true story.
That may help to define the story behind the lyrics.
I do thank you for your advise as it helps me to look from a different angle.

Thank you again
Rob/Bob

[bobporri]

Bob,

Just my thoughts here Bob. I think this is the start of a good song. Maybe you already know and are planning this, but staight ahead old style Country here. I agree that the lyrics could be worked on more. You could make them sound more conversational and "down home" I think. Even though you say you don't expect to be the singer on this, I would suggest that the timing and delivery of the vocal (even if you do it) should be worked out a bit "slicker".

Bob P.

[robbspencer]

Hi bob,
Taxi is such a grest place to learn and i'm still a newbie here so i hope i don't come off sounding like a know it all, but what little i do know i'd like to share with you:
How does it make you FEEL thst she doesn't like you til you are gone? I think you need a lyric that talks about that because that is what music, particularly lyrics are based on. Feelings. Very important. I learned that from robin fredericks, author of the book larry referred to in his post. Also, here on the forum it doesn't matter much i suppose, but i would recomend going through your lyrics and adding apostrophes where necessary and checking your spelling (you have sne i stead of smile and tounge instead of tongue)
Pretty sure mistakes like those can have a bad effect on screeners, supes and or library owners etc....
Good luck and welcome to the forums!!

[songmaster]

Hey Bob

I really got into the groove of this song. I know that the lyrics need some work and what I would suggest, is changing the title and making it more of a love song. Like Keith Urban's song " You'll Think of Me ". In other words, make the song more about how much she is going to realize how much she loved you. But it is too late because you're gone. For example, You could say, how much she hated tripping over your boots, but now she wishes your boots were under her bed again. How she didn't care for your cologne, but now she hugs her pillow ever night , hoping to smell the scent of you...etc.

Really go over the lyrics and don't stop until you are happy with what the song is trying to say. Maybe the title could be " Now That I'm Gone " or something like that.

Anyway, just my 2 cents. Keep up the good work Bob.

Tom

[Ironbarkbob]

Thanks guys for the tips on the lyrics.
Sounds like a rewrite is in order.
I appreciate the spelling observation apart from the obvious mistake which I cant seem to find a way to edit.
Our spelling does differ as in cheque and check, colour and color, and it goes on.
Regards Rob/Bob