Jazz ballad lyrics

[niallyboy]

Hello All,

Here's a lyric to jazz ballad I'll be recording with a female vocalist soon. It's called Hello My Love, and any input would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Niall

Hello, my love, I missed you today.
When I passed by our old haunt again
I thought I smelled your scent again

And then I found myself our sunlit café
And I tried to think you were not away
To share this day, remember when

An almost perfect afternoon
It could have been a honeymoon
If only you would hear my plea
Just say our love was meant to be

The band just our fav’rite tune
I smiled and sighed and wrote this rune
A perfect day, and you were there
If only in my dreams.

[funsongs]

reading along, without benefit of any tune; fwiw:

Hello, my love, I missed you today
When I passed by our old haunt again
I thought I smelled your scent again (Caught a hint of your fragrance... and then)

And then I found myself our sunlit café (I found myself at our sunlit cafe')
And I tried to think you were not away
To share this day, remember when

(Hello, my love...)
An almost perfect afternoon
It could have been a honeymoon (It coulda been our honeymoon)
If only you would hear my plea
Just say our love was meant to be

The band just our fav’rite tune (The band just played our fav'rite tune)
I smiled and sighed...and wrote this rune
A perfect day, and you were there
If only in my dreams... (Hello, my love... Hello...)

As a jazz/ballad, no need for word 'hook' or refrain; reintroduce the title/hook?
Are you able to post up the instrument track?
hth,
Cheers.
(ed. should have asked if the storyline is going to be from the female perspective... then 'fragrance' might be too femine/soft-sounding... still, 'scent' reads a bit harsh/brutal/animalistic in either case, instead of romantic-longing, like the rest of the lyric)

[joyfrost]

I would love to hear it with a melody to be able to judge more fairly but the first thing that stood out to me was the usage of again twice in the first verse. I would just use it after "I thought i smelled your scent again" and lose it after old haunt since "old haunt" already replies that it's been a long time since you've been there I also would love to hear "hello my love" or some other line that you feel is most important show up a few times to be the hook or title to tie it all together

[niallyboy]

Thanks for your ideas. Incorporating them, he's a rewrite of Hello My Love:

Hello, my love, I missed you today.
When I passed by our old haunt back then
I thought I caught your scent again

So I found myself there at our sunlit café
Tried to think of you—not so far away
To share this day, and so, my love

An almost perfect afternoon
It might have been our honeymoon
If only you would hear my plea
Just say “Our love was meant to be”

The band just played our fav’rite tune
I smiled and sighed and wrote this rune
What a wonderful day, and you were there
If only in my dreams-- hello, my love.

Here's the Soundcloud link to the ruff instrumental head:
https://soundcloud.com/tahoe-blue/hello ... -head-only

In order to accommodate the few extra syllables, I had to add some extra notes that aren't in the the instrumental head yet.

Any other ideas?

Thanks,
Niall