Closer Than You Think (with Jimmy Carvalho)

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Re: Closer Than You Think (with Jimmy Carvalho)

Post by mikemichnya » Wed Sep 02, 2015 9:55 pm

Hey Casey & Jim,

It's close, I think. You're right about the ambiguity...closer to what is what I was asking myself. But maybe it's ok to leave that ambiguity in there. And I think the verses point to it, but they could be stronger.

I think the chorus is really strong as a whole :) . I like how you held the melody note on 'need' and 'think'. But I wanted to hear the chorus sooner, right after the first verse. Although the song moves, it felt too long to the chorus, IMHO. And since verse three felt like the weakest verse, I think you could condense it into a two line bridge (with a little help from verse 2).

I agree with mikeymike about the need for a more consistent rhyme scheme in the verses. You set us up in the first verse for ABAB, then switch to XBXB for verses two and three. And in verses one and two you have nice internal rhyme in line three (day/way and fall/crawl) that you omit in verse three.

The lines that I liked best ;) :
But every road leads back to you and me
Miles are just baby steps in time
(But) I promise you I’ll never leave your side

But I also think there are a few lines throughout that could be tweaked. My humble suggestions are below...

V1
Hey hey, don’t let me hear you say (How about "Hey, babe, it scares me when you say")
(That) you’re giving up on all our hopes and dreams (I thought I heard you sing 'your' but you wrote 'our' - I liked 'our' better.)
Every day has a detour ‘long the way ('every day' sounds like an exaggeration - "Yesterday was just a detour on the way" or "We will face a few detours on the way")
But every road leads back to you and me (Nice payoff!!)

(CHORUS)
Take a moment now to breathe
You and I are all we need
Sometimes you just have to believe
That we are closer than you think

I suggest a little more editing and rewriting in verses two and three to match the rhyme scheme from the first verse. You could look for a rhyme for 'tears' in line three, but you'd need two to keep that internal rhyme in line three. Easier - and with the same meaning - is to look for another 'all' rhyme. You could go soft with something like "Through the smiles and the tears we'll carry on" but I think you can do better:

(V2)
Steady now through the smiles and the tears (how about "Steady now, I'll be here for the long haul")
Miles are just baby steps in time
When we fall we’ll get up or even crawl
And when we’re lost our hearts will be our guide ("Turn mountains into molehills as we climb" keeping this verse about their journey through time together...)

I think you can shorten verse three to a bridge:

I promise you I’ll never leave your side
And when we’re lost our hearts will be our guide (I moved this line out of verse 2 is to use it here!)

If you keep it VVCVCIC, then for verse 3 you could try something like
(V3)
Hey hey now let me hear you say ("Hey, now, sometimes it's touch and go"
I’ll be with you on this journey your whole life (I promise you I’ll never leave your side)
No one knows the things that lie ahead ("No one knows which way the wind will blow" keeps the internal rhyme
But when we’re lost our hearts will be our guide

FWIW, here's my suggested revisions as a whole (not that you asked for them ;) )

V1
Hey babe, it scares me when you say
(That) you’re giving up on all our hopes and dreams
Yesterday was just a detour on the way
But every road leads back to you and me

(CHORUS)
Take a moment now to breathe
You and I are all we need
Sometimes you just have to believe
That we are closer than you think

(V2)
Steady now, I'll be here for the long haul
Miles are just baby steps in time
When we fall we’ll get up or even crawl
Turn mountains into molehills as we climb

(CHORUS)

Bridge (my preference):
I promise you I’ll never leave your side
And when we’re lost our hearts will be our guide

(CHORUS)

V3 (if you go w/three...)
Hey, now, sometimes it's touch and go
I promise you I’ll never leave your side
No one knows which way the wind will blow
But when we’re lost our hearts will be our guide

Great work guys, the melody really grew on me the more I listened. Hope this helps, and that my suggestions aren't too presumptuous. Good luck with it!
Best regards,

Michael (Amoriello) Michnya

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Re: Closer Than You Think (with Jimmy Carvalho)

Post by JamesCarvalho » Thu Sep 03, 2015 7:11 am

As I AM an entry level composer/engineer/singer, i would love some production feedback
on this track for MY learning process ..

*this is one of my first attempts mixing this style .. i mainly do more electronic based styles.
i fully disclose that i looped some sections, because of my limitations as a performer.
i used EDM production technics to achieve a usable draft.

1) i'd like to know how close i am on a pitch-able production sound quality (for my learning process) :geek:
2) how usable is the vocal style :shock:


signed,
hungry to learn more
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Re: Closer Than You Think (with Jimmy Carvalho)

Post by bobporri » Thu Sep 03, 2015 7:40 am

To me, there was never a question that this meant 2 people are closer to each other than they might have thought.

Bob P.

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Re: Closer Than You Think (with Jimmy Carvalho)

Post by Casey H » Thu Sep 03, 2015 8:11 am

bobporri wrote:To me, there was never a question that this meant 2 people are closer to each other than they might have thought.

Bob P.
HA... I really meant it as closer to some end goal. Maybe it is cool that it is ambiguous. 8-)

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Re: Closer Than You Think (with Jimmy Carvalho)

Post by FMstereo » Fri Sep 04, 2015 3:37 am

Hi Casey and Jimmy

This is really lovely! Beautiful vibe. Jimmy, your vocals work perfectly!

Casey, YES, I think you are overanalyzing! I felt that it was a pretty obvious meaning that though this couple might have a few ups and downs, there is so much love between them that they are still "closer than you think". Sounds like a heartfelt Don't Give Up On Us Baby!

While you could spell it out to be "that you and I are closer than you think", I agree with the other comments that it's nice to leave this open to a wider meaning as well.

You know I'm pretty anal about rhyme schemes, so I'd probably tidy up the ABAB v XAXA issue. I'd go along with Michael's comprehensive revision! (I would change verse 2 to: Steady now, I'm here for the longest haul". I think it scans better than "long haul".)

For the ending, I kept wanting to repeat the final line without the second raised note for "think", or if you didn't want to repeat it, I would just have "think" on one note.

I look forward to hearing the final version!

Cheers

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Re: Closer Than You Think (with Jimmy Carvalho)

Post by Casey H » Fri Sep 04, 2015 4:03 am

Thank you all SO MUCH for your great comments and suggestions!! Mucho appreciated! :D You guys rock! 8-)

I guess it's closer than I think and now I just have to let my heart be my guide. :roll: ;)

Best,
:D Casey

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Re: Closer Than You Think (with Jimmy Carvalho)

Post by feaker66 » Fri Sep 04, 2015 5:15 am

Jim I absolutely love your voice. You will be a force to be reckoned with as you path winds along. Paul Simon eat your heart out.

Sincerely

Paul
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Re: Closer Than You Think (with Jimmy Carvalho)

Post by JamesCarvalho » Fri Sep 04, 2015 5:43 am

thanks,
Paul and FM,

It means a lot that you say those nice things about my vocal takes.
i hope to get better, I haven't found my voice yet (had to turn down the bob dylan meter) lol
this singing work really makes me happy.

so happy to be working with Casey too.. he really brought the song
to another level.
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Re: Closer Than You Think (with Jimmy Carvalho)

Post by Casey H » Fri Sep 04, 2015 6:15 am

jimc wrote:thanks,
Paul and FM,

It means a lot that you say those nice things about my vocal takes.
i hope to get better, I haven't found my voice yet (had to turn down the bob dylan meter) lol
this singing work really makes me happy.

so happy to be working with Casey too.. he really brought the song
to another level.
Jimmy gave me great material to work with here... Catchy music and a cool sound. Nice work, Jimmy Dylan!! :)

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Re: Closer Than You Think (with Jimmy Carvalho)

Post by funsongs » Fri Sep 04, 2015 6:28 am

jimc wrote:@casey

I can only tell you what I was thinking / feeling when I was writing the first draft..
I pictured a couple that been together for a while doing the same thing everyday
And well sometimes people change a bit as you grow older.. And sometimes we wonder
If we are as close as we usta be.. So you think about things and discover happily that
You were closer than you thought.. I guess it's corny but that how the story started
Hey guys...
this time, I'm reading through the thread BEFORE listening - lots of good input & ideas;
especially this explanation of your perspective, jimc; i.e. NOT corny at all.

Also - agreeing that just the reading leads me to conclude that it's thought-provoking & universal at the same time: a good thing to have happening, and what lots of the listings are after.
I like EO's suggestion of the "you & I"... it reads as a good 'hook'; and the Bridge/change-up suggestion for emphasis would give you the opportunity to strengthen and anchor that.
Looks good so far; now to go listen to how it sits with the music/melody...
and see if I agree with myself. :shock: :? :P
Cheers.
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