Does this title/hook line work?

[Casey H]

Before I go to far with this, I wanted to see if you guys thought the title/hook line works here. It would be a film/TV song. The usual phrase (and title of an Elvis Costello song) is "From a whisper to a scream". I played off that, went they other way with a scream that fades to a whisper. Sometimes a little vague and open to imagination is good. What sayeth you?

Thanks!
Casey

From A Scream To A Whisper ... (DO NOT STEAL, IT WILL MAKE ME SAD )

(VERSE)
I thought your ghost had left
I thought the coast was clear
Moving on, I did my best
‘Cos holding on, was too much to bear

(CHORUS)
But I think of you and I lose control
Your face in my mind like a hanging picture
Your name leaves my lips, I hear it go
From a scream to a whisper

(VERSE)
You always used to say
Everything has a reason why
I kick it round, it’s all in vain
I come up empty like this feeling inside

(CHORUS)
Oh I think of you and I lose control
Your face in my mind like a hanging picture
Your name leaves my lips, I hear it go
From a scream to a whisper

[hummingbird]

I like it. Great imagery, and expresses so much feeling.

[Casey H]

Thanks Vikki! But does "from a scream to a whisper" make sense? I keep (over ?)analyzing it, asking why would his calling out her name go from scream to whisper?

[garywhite]

Hi Casey,

Over-analysis is always a good thing! I like it. I think I see what you're trying to say. I might be inclined to change 'hanging' picture, which doesn't sound very dynamic or imposing to something like 'vivid' picture.... just my take on it. Good luck with the final draft!

Gary

[Kolstad]

Screaming is loud and whispering is quiet, and when you hear something quiet you are away from it, by distance, and screaming is close.

So, using that language has some potential built into it. Like they used to fight, and now have split up, gone away from the fighting.

Suggesting a song about leaving a dysfunctional relationship, and maybe still hearing whispers from it..

Anyway just trying to help by chalking up opposites here..

[LyricsMatter]

Hi Casey,

I think the title and hook lines work nicely - and make sense. To answer your question: Why would his calling out her name go from a scream to a whisper? For what it’s worth, I interpret the lyric(s) to mean that he calls out her name in a state of emotion - i.e. disbelief, frustration, longing, loneliness, regret - thus a scream - a scream that goes unanswered. It’s probable that an unanswered scream has little choice but to fade into a whisper due to a lack of response, disinterest and distance. You use the word ghost in the first line - ghost equates death. Is it possible the song is about resistance (scream) to finality (whisper)? How’s that for over-analyzing?

In any case, I’d invest in what seems to be the theme and underlying human experience of distance, finality, loneliness, longing, etc., to strengthen the second line of the chorus - and perhaps add an impactful bridge. The chorus is good but the use of the word(s) “a hanging” picture distracts and steals away from the effectiveness and desired result of the other three lines in the chorus.

For example:

Your face in my mind like a hanging picture

Your face in my mind like a (faded, fading) picture OR Your face in my mind now a distant stranger (faded, fading, distant correlate w/ whisper in a sense)

Thanks for the opportunity.

All the best with From A Scream To A Whisper!

[funsongs]

Hey Casey...
I like the read of this, too; agree with the comment to re-think the 'hanging picture'...
the imagery is good (pardon the pun) but those words might sing a bit awkwardly.

I think doubling your payoff line... sung more softly... fading away...
would/could add interest & emphasis to your title/hook.

(CHORUS)
Oh I think of you and I lose control
Your face in my mind like a portrait on the wall
Your name leaves my lips, I hear it go
From a scream to a whisper
(echo/fade...)
From a scream to a whisper...



When do we get to hear it with music?

[Casey H]

Hey Casey...
I like the read of this, too; agree with the comment to re-think the 'hanging picture'...
the imagery is good (pardon the pun) but those words might sing a bit awkwardly.

I think doubling your payoff line... sung more softly... fading away...
would/could add interest & emphasis to your title/hook.

(CHORUS)
Oh I think of you and I lose control
Your face in my mind like a portrait on the wall
Your name leaves my lips, I hear it go
From a scream to a whisper
(echo/fade...)
From a scream to a whisper...



When do we get to hear it with music?

Thanks Funsongs

I have a version with music but I'm considering a re-write.

Yea, no one likes the hanging picture line. It will be changed. But above you may have missed the point of the rhyming scheme, "picture" rhymed with "whisper".

Although most seemed to think the hook line worked, I'm thinking of changing the whole title/hook. Maybe something like this:

But then you play in my head like a movie scene
Chills up my spine like in the coldest winter
Your name leaves my lips, I hear it scream
But it’s only a whisper

-or-

But I think of you and I tear at the seams
I struggle to breathe as the air gets thinner
Your name leaves my lips, I hear the scream
But it’s only a whisper

The title would be "Only A Whisper"... It might make more sense: He screams but since she cant hear it, it's only a whisper. Pondering... Thanks!

Casey

[Len911]

Oh I think of you and I lose control
Your face in my mind like a hanging picture
Your name leaves my lips, I hear it go
From a scream to a whisper

I lit another smoke,
I see your face from the picture,
I take a puff before I scream your name,
that ends by a choke to a whisper.


I think the concept of "from a scream to a whisper" sounds like it has a lot of promise, even though I sort of destroyed it. It needs fleshing out. The first two lines seem to have no connection with the last, and only make it more confusing and difficult to decipher the meaning. The chorus should be the section that clears up any confusion, mystery or ambiguity in the verses.

[hummingbird]

Taking from a couple of the drafts you've provided, personally I like this best. 'Thinner' and 'whisper' are imperfect rhymes for lines 2 and 4. I like the imagery and each line makes sense on its own as well as part of the whole. Just MHO tho

I think of you and I lose control
I struggle to breathe as the air gets thinner
Your name leaves my lips, I hear the scream
But it’s only a whisper

or, cause I liked the first title/hook as well:

I think of you and I lose control
I struggle to breathe as the air gets thinner
Your name leaves my lips, I go from a scream
..to a WHISPER