streets of sterling (christmas song)

[melodymessiah]

hi. wonder what you think of these lyrics. any suggestions for improvements? and yeah, i know you'e not supposed to mention things like places for film, tv and ads, but i didn't write this song for either of them.



streets of sterling


(v01)
she's walking the streets of stirling
with candles for sale
some colored some white hope they'll earn her
a meal for the day

everywhere she goes she's got that moody glow
dark footprints in the snow
when i ask her what's her greatest christmas wish
she looks at me and says

(ch)
give me a home for christmas
where all my lights will shine
i'll make it glow like a star in the snow
with handmade candle lights

(v02)
it's cold so she asks me gently
for a warm cup of tea
i say if you give me a candle
you can have all you need

everybody seem to like her humble lights
i'm glad they find a home
you can ask her anytime what she wants the most
i know what she would say

ch

(bridge)
suddenly my soft spot seems to hit me in my chest
i ask her where you'll be on christmas eve
why do you wanna know she says well you could be my guest
your candle lights would be the perfect gift

(ch)
now she's got a home for christmas
where all her lights will shine
she'll make it glow like a star in the snow
with handmade candle lights

yeah she's got a home for christmas
you'll see it miles away
she'll make it shimmer with thousands of lights
one for each day of her life

[mikemichnya]

Hey Melody,

This is a sweet, sentimental idea that has good potential, although I don't think it's quite there yet.

To answer your first question, Steve Seskin (a great country writer) says that you should always try the lyrics in different persons - first, second, third, etc. - to see which way it works best. So if you're thinking that a singer might not want to portray a homeless person, then third person might work better. (In general, if the song's protagonist or main character isn't likable, third person makes it more accessible.)

There are two levels of editing. The first, and the easiest, is to take out all the extraneous, unnecessary words and either replace them with better, more impactful choices, or simply allow the remaining notes to sing longer. For example, in line two of your chorus (and this might be a typo), you wrote: "where all my lights will will shine". The second "will" is redundant. (Even if it has a really cool note attached to it, that note could be the beginning of the next word, for example.) Another example is the line "everywhere i look there's garlands on the front doors," which could be said more simply, thus: "there's a garland on every front door" (and saves three syllables). Another example is in the bridge lines: "he asks me where you'll be on christmas eve / i say why do you ask he says well you could be my guest." (This isn't what is meant by 'conversational language', either, BTW.) You could (if you were going to keep them; more about that later) simplify this to: "He asked, "Will you be my guest on Christmas Eve?"'

The second level of editing (and this is much harder to do) is to take out the good lines that don't advance the story, or worse, take away or distract us from it. (Remember, good is the enemy of great.) The first half of your second verse is nice, but it doesn't really add anything to the arc of the story; it's a bit like a subplot in a novel, but unlike a novel, you don't have the time to bring us back home. And worse, it isn't terribly believeable, especially without some context. Why would some random "vendor" (which IMO is the wrong word for the tone of the song, BTW) give the candle seller a free cup of tea? She's out there in the cold just like the singer is - maybe she'd trade a cup and a couple of biscuits for a candle, but even so, why tell us? (Not to tell us how cold it is - you already established that in the first verse when you told us "everywhere I go, I feel the melting snow / like cold wax on my cheeks" - so it's not even that cold, because the snow is melting.) It's just not that important a detail.

In that vein, you set up the candle seller as a door to door sales person ("walking the streets of Stirling") as opposed to having a stall in the market or working a street corner. That creates a bit of a disconnect between the first verse where "all the doors are closed to me" and the second verse where "everybody seems to like my colored lights" (BTW, candles don't burn in colors; 'candles' would be better).

Which leads me to a bigger problem, the answers to the questions that R. Fredericks might suggest that you ask of yourself. What is the story? If the singer is selling candles that he/she made, it's unlikely that he/she would be homeless. Candlemaking requires wax, wics, molds, a place to hang them while they dry, etc. Your protagonist is hoping they'll get him/her a meal for the day. Where did he/she get the money to get started? He/she might not have anyone to come home to, but homeless doesn't ring true if he/she's selling candles. If you want your main character to be homeless, then he/she has to be selling something that a homeless person would be able to collect for free - like bundles of sticks or evergreen garlands - but that takes you away from your hook, so that doesn't work either.

Finally, I don't buy a stranger suddenly inviting a homeless candle seller home to share Christmas with his wife and family because his/her candles would be the perfect gift. (Now, I'm pretty cynical, so maybe that's just me. And random acts of kindness do happen. ) I MIGHT buy someone that the candle seller already has a relationship with - another shop keeper, a regular customer, an old friend who happens upon him/her, but NOT a stranger, unless the song is told from the stranger's perspective (kind of a My Fair Lady thing) - but in any case, you have to set it up.

Melody, all said in the interests of helping you craft the best song that this can be. Good luck with it, whatever you decide. I'll be curious to hear what you do with it.