Only A Whisper (ROUGH, Not a production) REVISED!!

[Casey H]

REVISED!! Your comments were very helpful!

"Only A Whisper".... ROUGH ROUGH ROUGH!! Not a production! I will not be performing.

QUESTIONS
* Is it too unclear why it's only a whisper? I was trying to say that she left and since she can't hear him, it may as well be a whisper. I thought of changing the hook from "Only A Whisper" to "It May As Well Be A Whisper" which is clearer but maybe too much of a mouthful to fit there?

* Does the bridge lyric help clarify why it's only a whisper?

* Does it sound like the set up is that the love interest DIED as opposed to left? It's supposed to be that they LEFT.

https://soundcloud.com/caseyh/a-scream- ... er/s-Lz9SZ

Thanks!
Casey

Only A Whisper (C. Hurowitz) DO NOT STEAL

(VERSE)
I thought your ghost was gone
I thought the coast was clear
Moving on, I tried my best
‘Cos holding on, was too much to bear

(CHORUS)
Still you play in my head like a movie scene
Chills up my spine like in the coldest winter
Your name leaves my lips, I hear it scream
But it’s only a whisper
Only a whisper

(VERSE)
You always used to say
Everything has a reason why
I search for answers, all in vain
I come up empty like this feeling inside

(CHORUS)

(BRIDGE) I sung this one. More cliché but didn't want to use "scream" again.
Wish you could hear me call your name
And tell me you'll come back again

or

Wish you could hear my silent scream
And turn these nightmares into dreams

(CHORUS 3)
Still you play in my head like a movie scene
Chills up my spine like in the coldest winter
Your name leaves my lips, I hear it scream
Oh you play in my head like a movie scene
Chills up my spine like in the coldest winter
Your name leaves my lips, I hear it scream
But it’s only a whisper
Only a whisper
Only a whisper
Only a whisper
A whisper

[lesmac]

I think the chord progression is fine in the bridge so I vote it's a production thing. I like the variated choruses too and think they are easily identifiable as choruses.

Two things outside your questions-

I thought some alliteration in the first line would sound okay as it's there in the second line and the 'on' sounds repeat thereafter.
'I thought your ghost was gone'.

I don't think the second verse contributes a lot. What about something that symbolises big to small to reinforce the scream to whisper concept.

2 cents, all the best with it.

[Casey H]

Thanks Les!
I love your "ghost is gone" idea!!

PS One thing I like about the second chorus is the word "scream" on the high note has good prosody, sounding more like a scream. I COULD make that "the" chorus. Still pondering.

Best
Casey

[lesmac]

Ok Casey I'll vote for the second chorus with "I think of you and I lose control" instead of "You play in my head..."
Cheers
Les

[hummingbird]

I'm thinking this: I really like the scream at the end of the third line, and I like the 'think of you & lose control:

But I think of you and I lose control
I struggle to breathe as the air gets thinner
Your name leaves my lips, I hear it scream
But it’s only a whisper

I kinda agree the 2nd vrse doesn't work as well as v1, v1 and the bridge are strong imagery but v2 lacks it...
v2: You always used to say
Everything has a reason why
I kick it round, it’s all in vain
I come up empty like this feeling inside

I think it could maybe say more about how you're damned if you're going to be haunted by her.. but then you lose control?

I like the bridge lyrics a lot.. I agree it sounds a little uncertain atm in terms of melody.. but I'm sure you'll find it.

JMHO, keep or sweep

[Casey H]

I'm thinking this: I really like the scream at the end of the third line, and I like the 'think of you & lose control:

But I think of you and I lose control
I struggle to breathe as the air gets thinner
Your name leaves my lips, I hear it scream
But it’s only a whisper

Thanks Vikki!
I wanted lines 1 and 3 to rhyme so the "movie scene" does that with scene/scream. I actually was feeling like the imagery in the first 2 lines of C2 was stronger. But so far I'm outvoted!

Much appreciated as always!
Casey

[eeoo]

I don't mind the different lyrics from chorus to chorus. I liked the structure of the 1st chorus better, I didn't care for the double stops you did in the following chorus's.
Yeah, I could hear the high note on "scream" and then after the stop drop way down for "a scream to a whisper".

[Casey H]

I don't mind the different lyrics from chorus to chorus. I liked the structure of the 1st chorus better, I didn't care for the double stops you did in the following chorus's.
Yeah, I could hear the high note on "scream" and then after the stop drop way down for "a scream to a whisper".

Might be the way to go. Wasn't sure about the double stops.

Do you think it's OK to have the word "scream" 2x so close together?

Your name leaves my lips, I hear it scream
A scream to a whisper

Thanks!

Casey

[lesmac]

. But so far I'm outvoted!

Yeah but your'e The Chairman of the board, you got the deciding vote.

I think the 2 screams close together has a kind of poetic ring to it.

[Casey H]

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