Need advice on Christmas song

[songmaster]

Hi everyone

At the first snowfall this year, as I was looking out the window, this song just came into my head. I have a melody for it but I wanted to post it here and get any advice I can before I make a rough demo. Thank you in advance Oh also, I originally wrote this for a female vocal because I think it might lean more in that direction. The lyrics below are from a male perspective. I would like to know which one would be more suited according to the lyrics. This is an uptempo song similar to Maria Carey's " All I want for Christmas " song.

My One Wish Christmas List

Hey Santa can you bring the gift I'm wishing for
Wrap my baby up, and drop her at my door
I'm lonely looking out the window when it snows.
I'm missing her when I'm under the mistletoe
I think of her with every Christmas song I hear
I'm even reading all the cards she sent last year
If you could find a little more room on your sleigh
Don't you know, that would make my Christmas day

Chorus

This is my one wish Christmas list
Can you hear me Santa
My one wish Christmas list
Can you make it happen
Don't want a lot of gifts under the Christmas tree
I just want to have my baby here with me
This is my one wish Christmas list

Don't want another pair of goofy reindeer socks
The kind the noses light up every time I walk
Or another red sweater with a unicorn
I'd rather have my baby here to keep me warm
I picture us standing by the Christmas tree
Maybe take a selfie of just her and me
Santa can't you see, I narrowed down my list
I only want the kind of present, I can kiss

Chorus

Bridge

Hey Santa, I've been a good boy all year long
I know you check whose naughty and nice
The only thing that I did wrong
Was when I told my baby good bye
And now I'm missing her with my whole heart
Oh Santa, I need that girl back in my arms

Chorus

This is my one wish Christmas list
Can you hear me Santa
My one wish Christmas list
Can you make it happen
Don't want a lot of gifts under the Christmas tree
I just want to have my baby " back " with me
This is my one wish Christmas list.

[IngridElkner]

That's great!
You use "I" and "I'm" a lot in the first verse - try to get a bit more creative in the way you start your sentences.
Also, maybe add some senses in. You've got a good amount of verbs, the character doing, but you could add something like scent or texture.
I love the line about the reindeer socks.

Good work!

[songmaster]

Hi Ingrid

Thank you for your input. I didn't realize I had so many I's. I will take a look at all those I's lol! There is one line that I already noticed can be changed " I'm lonely looking out the window when it snows " would probably sound better if I say " it's lonely looking out the window " I will take a hard look at the other lines and see what I can do there. So glad you liked the "reindeer socks ".

Cheers

Tom

[melodymessiah]

i really liked this one. it's not often i come across lyrics that could inspire me to write a melody to it, but this one has potential to go somewhere, with the right tune.

did a few adjustments on the first verse. i can hear this as a fun, uptempo pop or pop/country song. i hope you're not gonna turn it into one of those slow country ballads i read an interesting article about a nashville insider. he said that all the publishers he spoke to was looking for upbeat songs now, simply tired of all the ballads. and jason blume expressed something similar on one of the taxi-tv shows. it makes sense to me, i think there's way to many ballads out there. it seems to be the kind of songs all singer/songwriters love to write and perform, so they can really spill their hearts out on those looooong emotional words. but the thruth is, as listeners we don't care about the singers feelings, we just wanna be entertained, right?


Hey Santa can you bring the gift I'm wishing for
Wrap my baby up, and drop her at my door
I'm lonely looking out the window when it snows.
missing her when I'm under the mistletoe
thinking of her with every Christmas song I hear
even reading all the cards she sent last year
If you could find a little more room on your sleigh
that would make my Christmas day

[songmaster]

Hey Melodymessiah

This is definitely not a ballad song. I already have an up tempo melody for it and I will post it sometime soon. Thank you for showing me a short cut to eliminate some of those nasty I's. I think it will clean the song up some and maybe make it easier for the singer to sing. Thanks for having a look at it.

Cheers

Tom