Returned because of Lyrics - What do you think?

[garywhite]

Listing U160424SS asks for:

"Introspective lyric themes about lost love will work really well for this pitch, but don’t limit yourself. Lyrics about a wider range of concepts like loss in general, a new start, regret, hurt and pain… just about any emotion you’d feel after a breakup could work! Universal lyrics will work best, so please avoid references to specific names, dates, times, brands, and places."

The song wasn't forwarded because of Lyrics. Quoting the Screener:

"This song needed more characterization. The lyrics were too vague without a clear point of view."


Here's the lyrics:

Just like the sun didn't care if the sky was blue
And the moon turned a blind eye too
And you, and the truth

I watched it all fading out in front of me
I watched our love fading out in front of me

As the secretive waves broke upon the shore
The summer days became cold once more
And nothing was like before

I watched it all fading out in front of me
I watched our love fading out in front of me

Why apologize so late in the game?
Love songs played again are never the same

Time will be kind to the tears that flow
And so, what I should have known
And the fear of letting go

I'll watch it all...etc


Help appreciated, guys! I think it's pretty clear what the song is about.. How would you improve the impact of the lyrics? I'd love to hear some feedback.

Cheers

Gary

[hummingbird]

Hi Gary, I get the feeling you are trying for in the lyrics, and there's some nice imagery as well. However I do agree with the screener that there needs to be a clearer point of view. I feel also like you are writing to the rhyme rather than the story.

Let's look at the statements:
Just like the sun didn't care if the sky was blue and the moon turned a blind eye too. And you, and the truth!
>what does this mean? Can you make it clearer? What truth?

I watched it all fading out in front of me
I watched our love fading out in front of me
>this is alright but can you say something different in one of the lines to use the phrase more effectively?

As the secretive waves broke upon the shore the summer days became cold once more. And nothing was like before.
>waves really can't be 'secretive'.. how about 'icy' or 'frigid' or 'bitter'

Why apologize so late in the game?
Love songs played again are never the same
>apologize for ?

Time will be kind to the tears that flow and so, what I should have known, and the fear of letting go
>can you say this more clearly?

There's a lovely feeling in this story but the lines actually don't present the images in a way that really hits home.

===

Just a suggestion off the top of my head (not perfect at all, but just an idea of how you can use your images more strongly and clearly):

You didn't care if the sky was blue
when the moon shone you turned a blind eye too
you never told the truth

===================

[Len911]

Just like the sun didn't care if the sky was blue
And the moon turned a blind eye too
And you, and the truth

I watched it all fading out in front of me
I watched our love fading out in front of me

As the secretive waves broke upon the shore
The summer days became cold once more
And nothing was like before

I watched it all fading out in front of me
I watched our love fading out in front of me

Why apologize so late in the game?
Love songs played again are never the same

Time will be kind to the tears that flow
And so, what I should have known
And the fear of letting go

I'll watch it all...etc

Introspective= Speaking to oneself

Who says, "Just like the sun didn't care if the sky was blue
And the moon turned a blind eye too" when thinking to oneself?

"And you, and the truth" change of narrative. Speaking to someone else. her, him, them are pronouns most likely used when thinking to oneself introspectively.

I think the point of view is clearly the writer's (Gary), it's the narrative. Are you speaking to yourself
(introspective), are you speaking to an audience, or are you speaking to the 'you', the person you are in the relationship with?

The different lines work, depending on the narrative. eg. "Just like the sun didn't care if the sky was blue And the moon turned a blind eye too" great line for an audience

"Why apologize so late in the game?" great line for introspective, self thoughts.

"And you, and the truth" line for the one with the relationship.

hth!

[garywhite]

Thanks for taking the time to comment guys - I really really appreciate it. Very useful pointers. Its so interesting to hear what others read into lyrics.

Just to reply to a few comments....so you get what I was trying to do here..

The general idea is that something has faded out - lost love.
The idea of things turning their back which you have always relied on being there and truthful - like the sun and moon, and what you believe was true and faithful... (you and the truth) all fading out. It all leads to the chorus line. - 'I watched IT ALL'
The chorus refers to 'our love', so the singer is singing to the 'you' in the first verse.
'Secretive waves breaking on the shore' is a metaphor for the truth being revealed, or secrets being told.
'Why apologise so late?' in the game is speaking to the other person (again - 'you') , who is now seeking forgiveness..

Maybe I'm just being too vague by painting a picture. Showing rather than telling... as we are encouraged to do by all the great writers..

Thanks again - I take all your points on board. Very interesting. Time for a re-write!!
Cheers

Gary

[Len911]

Again Gary, the point of view is who is speaking, narrative is who is spoken to, an audience, another person, themselves...

So you've clarified to whom you were speaking to, so forget the introspective. The narrative still has lines that sound better spoken to an audience rather than an individual, especially someone you know.

So imo, that is what is wrong with the picture,

The picture is slightly out of focus so to speak

For a listener to get the picture, sorry for all the puns, the narrative should be clear and plausible, in this case, conversational metaphors, instead of the more sophisticated poetic metaphors.

That's my opinion hth
~Len

[garywhite]

Thanks for taking the time again Len. I get what you're saying totally. Someone else's perspective can be so valuable for things like this!
Onwards and upwards..

All the Best

Gary

[Kolstad]

If you started with the chorus, the point of view would stand out clearer.
The pro writers always work on establishing the who, when, where, what and how in the beginning.

Here's some questions that may help you establish this more clearly:

- Show who's talking to who
- Give a perspective of time
- Mark where this is going on (mind or world)
- Tell what it is about
- Show how they are going bout it

[melodymessiah]

to me this looks more like a poem than a song lyric. song lyrics are generally more spesific and conversational, you know, how you actually would speak to someone. and like i've read in songwriting books, poetry can be a great starting point, you just need to translate it into song lyrics

[eeoo]

I wouldn't re-invent the wheel on this one because it's such a strong, killer tune. It might be perfect for a different listing. Seriously, you could re-do the lyrics and get a return that says "the lyrics are too personal, they need to be more universal" or something like that. I always err on the side of universal lyrics for film/tv pitches. You never know, the screener could have inside knowledge of what this is for specifically and if your lyric happens to contradict the scene in some way you're just out of luck.

Also, I know they cited lyrics specifically but I wonder if the sad lyric over the somewhat whimsical, circus-y, music had anything to do with it? I personally love a dark lyric over 'happier" sounding music but doesn't always work for specific needs.

Regardless, lovely tune, really great work!

EO

[garywhite]

Great advice guys... and thanks for the compliment EO!

Really appreciate all your input, people!

Gary