Get Away - WIP feedback needed

[mikemichnya]

After listening to the reference tracks, I was inspired to write to the listing below. But it was last minute, so when the deadline arrived, I wasn't even close to being done. Anyway, it's still not ready for prime time, but it's closer.

While I obviously need a better singer, I'm wondering how close it comes to fitting the listing and whether my experimentation with a different effect on the vocals is working, but any and all suggestions for improvement are appreciated. (I'm a big boy with thick skin, so lay it on me - first impressions, what you like, what you don't like - I can take it.) Thanks in advance for your helpful feedback!

Here's the link: https://soundcloud.com/mamichnya-1/get-away/s-e0E4V

Here's the lyrics:

Get Away
words and music by Michael a. Michnya

You left me blind and lost
Like a boat roughly tossed
By a raging holocaust
On a vicious sea
You held me by the throat
Choked all the joyful notes
From every song I wrote
Did your worst to me

I won’t beg for mercy
I can find my way
You don’t have to worry
I’ll disappear in a hurry
On a southbound freight
And Get Away, Get Away

I’m gonna sleep tonight
Beneath the hollow sky
With a billion sparkling eyes
And the withered moon
I’ll free my shackled heart
Heal all it’s battle scars
Pour it into my guitar
When I think of you

I won’t beg for mercy
I can find my way
You don’t have to worry
I’ll disappear in a hurry
On a southbound freight
And Get Away, Get Away

I’m half runnin’ from what I had become with you
Now I am heading to a better point of view

I won’t beg for mercy
I can find my way
You don’t have to worry
I’ll disappear in a hurry
On a southbound freight
And Get Away, Get Away
Get Away, Get Away

© Michael A. Michnya, Amor Songs, ASCAP.

And the listing:

ALT COUNTRY SONGS with Male or Female Vocals are needed by the CEO of a Successful Production Music Library with global distribution for Film, TV, and Commercial projects. Give them great Songs in All-Tempos that would appeal to the fans of artists like (but not limited to):

Sturgill Simpson:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BlOk5wV0DRo
Nikki Lane:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PlwzdQRfM-4
Ryan Bingham:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHnSj9Ls6pU
Lindi Ortega:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZG_2rZ4UzN0

Please submit roots-y Songs that reflect the rugged style of the referenced artists, with a well-crafted song structure, memorable melodies, thought-provoking lyrics, and a compelling chorus. They're not looking for modern or traditional Country music for this pitch, so please be sure your submissions reflect the edgy "Indie" style of the references above.

Lyric themes can vary, but should be in line with themes commonly heard in the Alt Country genre. Universal lyrics are needed, so please avoid references to specific names, places, dates, times, and brands. Do not copy or rip off the referenced artists or songs in any way, shape, or form. Use them only as a general guide for the texture, tone, and vibe. Broadcast Quality is needed (great sounding home recordings are fine).

[feaker66]

Nobody bit yet, and I am the least qualified to help. go figure. I like the feel of this. you have some nice guitar licks in there

I would like that chorus to explode more. (I know, that's what they all say) When you take a word like "I" and hold it for a few counts, it loses it's punch. Well to me anyway. I also think that the melody notes could be switched a bit for more interest.
I hope somebody comes along now and comments on the mix itself. Sorry for not being much help

Sincerely

paul

[mikemichnya]

Hey Paul,

Thanks for the listen. You're right about the chorus. I've been looping the song through my headphones while I do other stuff, and the chorus just doesn't pop. Back to the melody drawing board.

[burpo]

I dig it! Reminds me of Atlanta Rhythm Section, Bob Welch, et all...

I don't have a problem with the chorus, as I hear it as a kind of mellow period piece.
If you produce it that way (at least one version), you can just bet that a listing
wanting retro, 70s-sounding tracks will pop up and boy, will you be ready.

I think some of the imagery in the lyric is a little awkward, but hey, maybe it's just me.

Mix-wise, I'm hearing a lot of build-up in the low mid-range. I think if you scoop some of that out,
you'll have some breathing room for the vocal. Since you (as am I) are not a "vocalist,"
I'd use your voice to convey as a storyteller, if that makes any sense.

Great start! I'm really interested in seeing how this develops and evolves!

-b

[funsongs]

Hi Mike.
FWIW: first just read through the lyrics; reads like a good write -
good story-line with possibilities.
Did NOT listen to the reference tracks, wanting to just consider your song as
a stand-alone project. With that in mind, and old dude ears for "a la" comparisons:
I was wondering: who might do a song like this, or what playlist...?
I came up with Eric Burdon/The Animals. (House of The Rising Sun)

On first listen the structure/bones of it seems to work.
What I found lacking is the "big payoff/tie into the title" Give Away.
That line's melody seems way too tame, and not enough of any elements
that the story-line had me expecting: big lift, dynamic melody-hook, and memorable angst-thing
to grasp. It sounds like a bluesy song that needs to yank your emotions right there.

IMHO - if you'd revisit the chords/melody of that line...
it could make the song hang together better.
Help me/us wanna get there... to hear & feel the hurt.

Hope that helps... while you're still wearing your Big-Boy pants... as you might say.
Good onya. Nice guitar parts.

[mikemichnya]

Thanks for listening & commenting guys. I appreciate your time and thoughts. Here's the link to the revision:

https://soundcloud.com/mamichnya-1/get-away-1/s-gBc6D

some of the imagery in the lyric is a little awkward

Which lines?
Did I clean out enough of the low mids, not enough or too much?

Peter, the hook is "Get Away", not "Give Away" - does that change anything for you?

Thanks again!

[funsongs]

Peter, the hook is "Get Away", not "Give Away" - does that change anything for you?
Thanks again!

... that was just a typo... sorry.
will take a listen to the new one... later...