You Say

[Patrick]

You say you want me, I
I once believed it true
You say you need me, I
I need time to think it through

You know my heart's been tearing apart from
The little games that you play
Every time...every time...

You say

You say you miss me, why
You don't notice when I'm there
I feel a distant coldness in your eyes
I still wonder if you care

Well something tells me deep inside I've
Got to find my own way
Every time...every time...

You say

You tell me you don't wanna be lonely
But together it's all that we are
This sentimental journey could only
Give so much, only get so far

You say you love me, nice try

(solo)

Well something tells me deep inside I've
Got to find my own way
Every time...every time...

You say

I wrote this for a female lead. I recorded it with my producer buddy with him singing, but I don't feel it's strong enough to play for you guys. My buddy missed the boat with his interpretation of my song. I still think it could sell if it was re-worked and done right by a female singer.

[Patrick]

Okay...

My lyrics are either so awesome, they're leaving everyone speechless.

OR/

They suck so bad that no one has the heart to tell me.

So which one is it?

[Casey H]

Hey Patrick
It's always a little harder to review lyrics without music. Sometimes the music can change everything about how you feel about the lyrics. But here's my take on a read:

It's very cliché. As new songwriters, we really need to come up with more creative ways to say things and avoid using the phrases that people have heard so many times before. This goes for both the specific words and the rhyme choices. If you send this to a publisher, they won't get particularly interested, you need to grab their attention. That doesn't mean every word, every line has to be a masterpiece. Just that you need to spend time de-cliché-ing, using imagery, etc.

I'm not seeing a real chorus here. Songs today almost always need a chorus, the place with the memorable hook that people can hang their hats on. If I'm misreading that, let me know. Remember, when someone listens to the song, if you have to tell them where the chorus is it's not working.

If you want me to listen to the current production so I can hear the melody (even though you don't like the production), feel free to drop me a PM.

Not sure if you are coming to the road rally, but there are tons of great classes there on songwriting and lyrics.

I hope you'll take this all in the constructive spirit intended!

HTH
Casey

You say you want me, I
I once believed it true
You say you need me, I
I need time to think it through

You know my heart's been tearing apart from
The little games that you play
Every time...every time...

You say

You say you miss me, why
You don't notice when I'm there
I feel a distant coldness in your eyes
I still wonder if you care

Well something tells me deep inside I've
Got to find my own way
Every time...every time...

You say

You tell me you don't wanna be lonely
But together it's all that we are
This sentimental journey could only
Give so much, only get so far

You say you love me, nice try

(solo)

Well something tells me deep inside I've
Got to find my own way
Every time...every time...

You say

I wrote this for a female lead. I recorded it with my producer buddy with him singing, but I don't feel it's strong enough to play for you guys. My buddy missed the boat with his interpretation of my song. I still think it could sell if it was re-worked and done right by a female singer.

[Patrick]

Thank you for your thoughts, Casey...

Yeah, I've always tended to write 'in the margins' so to speak. This song is about a girl lamenting the fact that her boyfriend is only paying lip service to their relationship.

I'll play you now what arrangement my producer/buddy came up with. He's mangled some lyrics and phrasing and added too many 'thats' and 'buts'. I still believe there's a song to be had somewhere in there.

I'm not happy with this but you can have a listen just the same-

http://picosong.com/ggVH

Pat

[Casey H]

Hi Pat
You have some nice ideas here. It has a retro feel. The melody/chords are somewhat overused/predictable. However, if you end up producing the song as a retro piece for Film/TV, that could be OK with some songwriting re-work. As a contemporary song, it probably wouldn't fly.

I don't hear a great match between the lyrics (syllable, words choices) and music and I don't think that's just the performance. In a lyric re-write, I might cut some syllables.

Hearing it now, I can see you getting away without a more extended chorus, but again that probably would work better for a retro song.

What is your goal for the song? That's the critical question.

Best,
Casey

[Patrick]

Thanks again for staying with me on this, Casey...

My goal for the song? Not sure...the satisfaction of selling something that I made up in my own mind? To make a few bucks? To make millions of people sing?

I share your sentiments on this piece. You have some keen insight going on here.

Whenever I'm in 'creative mode', I tend to shut out my wife and kids a bit. I believe the inspiration for the tune came from me putting myself in my wife's shoes. It's written from a female perspective on a relationship where actions aren't speaking louder than words.

Anyhoo, I'm a real process kinda guy...just love shooting the breeze about music. I appreciate your time and thoughtful critique of my work.

Pat

[mikeShort]

I think your song could be stronger if the lyrics represented specific examples of what the "you" said. To me, as currently constructed, the lyrics seem to describe the sentiments, as opposed to quoting them. This moves them one step farther away from your listeners, and makes them hard to reach.

Richard Thompson wrote a song with a similar message (don't worry about that: EVERY message has been song about before!). It's called I Misunderstood, and you should look it up. Here's the first verse:

She said darling I'm in love with your mind
The way you care for me is so kind
I'd like to see you again I wish I had more time
She was laughing as she brushed my cheek
Why don't you call me angel maybe next week
Promise me cross your heart and hope to die

Chorus
But I misunderstood
But I misunderstood
But I misunderstood
I thought she was saying good luck she was saying good bye
But I misunderstood
But I misunderstood
But I misunderstood
I thought she was saying good luck she was saying good bye

There's more, but see how specific the lyrics are, how the words paint a picture, how they put you right in the scene. Clarity. I'm not expecting you to be Richard Thompson, but there is a fog between your lyrics and your audience, so to speak, that puts everything at arms length.

Try asking yourself as you read the lyrics (or sing the song in your head) this question: if I were in the audience, would I be so sucked into this situation that I couldn't wait to find out what happens next? That's you goal: a complete connection with the audience. And that get created by setting up crystal clear situations into which the listener can insert himself, or at least think: yeah, I've been there, or yeah, my friend has been there.