all my ex wifes and girlfriends and kids [not in that order] said i should try and write lyrics since i cant sing or play a instrument..so here is my first try I have Parkinsons so I type with 1 finger.....
Last Petal Falls 12/07
VERSE

IT STARTED OUT FINE FIRST DATE

NICE DINNER FINE WINE FOR TWO

LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP

PLEASE WILL YOU SAY I DO

KIDS A HOUSE AND BILLS TO PAY

BOSS SAYS THINGS ARE LITTLE SLOW

WIFE SAYS WE NEED A LITTLE TIME ALONE

GRABBED A ROSE FOR HER AFTER WORK TODAY


VERSE

TROUBLE WITH THE CAR

WHAT ELSE CAN GO WRONG

KIDS ARE ALWAYS GONE YOUR LEFT ALONE

WIFE IS OUT HITTING THE TOWN TONIGHT

YOU KNOW ITS NOT TOO LONG

GRABED ANOTHER ROSE FOR HER TODAY

IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT WONT LAST

DOZEN ROSES BOUGHT TO HELP FORGET THE PAST

BUT WHEN ITS ALL OVER RELATIONSHIPS ARE TORN



CHORUS

ITS HARD BEING LONELY ALONE

WHEN YOUR USED TO HAVING IT ALL

BUT ALL YOU HAVE LEFT IS THE THORN

WHEN THE LAST PETAL FALLS

My first try was a disaster. Seems like a thousand years ago, or yesterday. Yours, not too bad. Like the title. Really like the fact that you actually have a story line that with a little work could be a song. Do you have a melody in your head for this piece, or was it pen to paper?

Strickly pen to paper funny thing is I just noticed I used the word fine in first 2 lines ...I should have took more time

Quote:

Strickly pen to paper funny thing is I just noticed I used the word fine in first 2 lines ...I should have took more time

Take that time, jeep...they always say that good songs are never written--they're re-written. I think you have a good start here. It's hard enough to write a lyric, but it's also important to exercise that part of you that can look at a finished version of a lyric, mash it all up, and completely revise it. Then do it again a few more times until it sparkles...and you think, whoa, I didn't know I could write one THAT good... Go for it--step 2--rewrite!

And plenty of people here will help you along.

-Lyle

Quote:

all my ex wifes and girlfriends and kids [not in that order] said i should try and write lyrics since i cant sing or play a instrument..so here is my first try I have Parkinsons so I type with 1 finger..... Last Petal Falls 12/07 VERSE IT STARTED OUT FINE FIRST DATE NICE DINNER FINE WINE FOR TWO LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP PLEASE WILL YOU SAY I DO KIDS A HOUSE AND BILLS TO PAY BOSS SAYS THINGS ARE LITTLE SLOW WIFE SAYS WE NEED A LITTLE TIME ALONE GRABBED A ROSE FOR HER AFTER WORK TODAY VERSE TROUBLE WITH THE CAR WHAT ELSE CAN GO WRONG KIDS ARE ALWAYS GONE YOUR LEFT ALONE WIFE IS OUT HITTING THE TOWN TONIGHT YOU KNOW ITS NOT TOO LONG GRABED ANOTHER ROSE FOR HER TODAY IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT WONT LAST DOZEN ROSES BOUGHT TO HELP FORGET THE PAST BUT WHEN ITS ALL OVER RELATIONSHIPS ARE TORN CHORUS ITS HARD BEING LONELY ALONE WHEN YOUR USED TO HAVING IT ALL BUT ALL YOU HAVE LEFT IS THE THORN WHEN THE LAST PETAL FALLS

Hi
You are never too old for this. There are many folks here in their 50's who are just starting on the road to success.

Some quick thoughts:
What genre were you thinking of? I love the hook line, "when the last petal falls"! That can be a great basis to carve a song around. Right now it reads as a bit depressing. I'm not sure writing about things going bad in all aspects of life is the best thing to do unless you are writing something tongue and cheek. That's not to say something like that NEVER works, but in general I don't think it does. JMHO

In two places you use the same word in consecutive lines. That's not always a bad thing but often it's better to think of some alternates. "Lonely alone" is too much of the same basic word. And you used the word "fine" in each of the first two lines.

My personal feeling is you should re-write the lyrics around that "last petal falls" line, but make it less about all this unhappiness, especially in such a direct way. Maybe (just for example) focus on a love relationship gone wrong and how you tried and tried until the last petal falls. Or, turn it around to how, when the last petal falls, she still loves you or came back to you. I can't tell you what storyline to work with- it has to come from what you want. So, those were just random suggestions. And, this is just one man's opinion.

There is an old saying about songwriting: "Don't write what you want to say, write what other people want to hear"... (I've made a lot of mistakes in that area in the past)

Good luck!
I hope that was gentle...

Regards,
Casey

Casey makes some good points. You do have a story here, you just need to work on telling it well, and using song form to allow us to see & feel it.

You have two verses, one with 8 lines and another with 9 lines. Verses are always sung to the same music, that means they have to be the same length, and also, that each of the second verse has to have the same meter as its corresponding line in the first verse.

I agree that "WHEN THE LAST PETAL FALLS" is a lovely hook. Keep working on it!
warmly
Hummin'bird

Thanks everyone I'll go back and redo it I was just so excited about finding this forum I wanted to see if it was real...where do I introduce myself to let you know that have no musical abilities to play I sometimes think I can write..it just maybe the Pakinsons' meds kickin in...these words I've written Last Petal falls was supposed to be about my father and his temper...Petals were his friends that he lost due to his anger...he died at 42 and his father died at 42 me I broke the record..lol..Soul Surviving Son hey that sounds like a new idea..Thank you all for being nice I'll redo it without being so depressing.....Dave[Jeep]

Hi Jeep, you could start by reading some of the info posted here.... http://taxi.proboards27.com/index.cgi?bo....read=1192486086 and then posting an intro in General Hangout.

Welcome aboard!
Hummin'bird

Hey Jeep - I love the story behind your lyrics. Congratulations for jumping in to the forums!

Thanks for all compliments I know I got alot to learn lines...sylabbles I re wrote it a different way this morning this is roughI know which way should I go with it.....relationship or Life.... Last Petal Falls 1/05/08

Well my dad taught me something’s in life
It’s what you say and do for your friends
That will stick with you til the end
Slow to anger slow to speak
Is how it should have been
Petals are like friends
They will be there til the end

chorus

But if you find yourself alone
After your used to having it all
Remember all you have left is the thorn
When the last petal Falls


In a relationship that won’t last
You can buy her dozens of roses
To help her forget the past
But if it’s you that gets the blame
And you feel like your life is torn
Petals are like excuses
They will be there til the end

C;
But if you find yourself alone
After your used to having it all
Remember all you have left is the thorn
When the last petal Falls

Turn your life around before someone gets hurt
There’s time to water the Roses
That grows from the dirt
It’s time to say your sorry
And show them your love
Petals are very beautiful
If left on the stem

C;
But if you find yourself alone
After your used to having it all
Remember all you have left is the thorn
When the last petal Falls