A listen and a look at these lyrics please?

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JohnnyP
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A listen and a look at these lyrics please?

Post by JohnnyP » Fri Oct 02, 2020 8:42 am

Hi Taxi Friends.

I've got a bit of a conundrum. I've had this song returned twice and each time I've gotten different advice. These we're for folk/modern folk singer songwriter listings.

Review 1) "I would consider reworking the lyric in the first verse a bit. Right now it seems as though the singer is already home, so saying "coming home" in the chorus feels a little off."

Review 2 different screener) "Verse 2 is certainly imagery laden, but a tad specific for licensing. Could hear you coming up with an alt verse (for licensing) to avoid potential onscreen conflicts."



So I may do a rewrite of verse 2 but I'm a bit confused. The first review didn't mention verse 2 being an issue. But the second review didn't have a problem with verse 1...They both did say it was a strong contender for licensing with the mentioned changes.

I wrote the song from the viewpoint of a guy sitting on the steps of his old family home after attending a funeral of a loved one. The singer is talking about "the act" of coming home. He's realizing that it's not as bad as he thought it would be. Does that make sense to anyone else? Here's a link to the song. Thanks in advance, John

https://soundcloud.com/jp-pearson-1/com ... x2EHLXqGT1
NEW Revised with V1 and V2 swapped- https://soundcloud.com/jp-pearson-1/com ... 95LhbQsaXO

Coming Home

I’ve got a feeling I’m not going anywhere gonna sit awhile here on these stairs
And let the weathered memories come washing over me
This place I swore I’d never stay but now can’t bear to leave

Coming home, coming home
It’s funny how you miss the things you thought that you’d outgrown
Coming home, coming home

Crooked street signs names like Church and Main faded blacktop sidewalks cracks don’t change
The baseball field where I stole home head-first and broke my wrist
The trees behind the playground where I tasted my first kiss

Coming home, coming home
It’s funny how you miss the things you thought that you’d outgrown
Coming home, coming home

Tears and triumphs loves and losses never go away
They patiently sit waiting for a chance to have their say, a day just like today

Coming home, coming home, coming home, coming home
It’s funny when you fit the things you thought that you’d outgrown
Coming home, coming home

Words & Music ©2020 John L Pearson
Last edited by JohnnyP on Fri Oct 02, 2020 3:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: A listen and a look at these lyrics please?

Post by RickBourassa » Fri Oct 02, 2020 8:54 am

Hi John,

I like the song. In the first verse, I take it to mean that his body is home, but his mind is not there yet and will take a while to catch up.

I agree with the screener about the second verse, it is fairly specific. If you wanted to release the song on Spotify rather than pitch it for sync, I would leave it as is.

Overall, nice song and great mix.

Rick

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Re: A listen and a look at these lyrics please?

Post by JohnnyP » Fri Oct 02, 2020 9:25 am

RickBourassa wrote:
Fri Oct 02, 2020 8:54 am
Hi John,

I like the song. In the first verse, I take it to mean that his body is home, but his mind is not there yet and will take a while to catch up.

I agree with the screener about the second verse, it is fairly specific. If you wanted to release the song on Spotify rather than pitch it for sync, I would leave it as is.

Overall, nice song and great mix.

Rick
Thanks for your thoughts Rick. Yep I'm with you on v2. I figured I could get by coz every town has a "Church" and a "Main" St. But it's prob the "broken wrist" line that sunk me lol. I'll just have to "vague" it a little. Thx again. Best, John
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Re: A listen and a look at these lyrics please?

Post by funsongs » Fri Oct 02, 2020 9:28 am

Just on first read, and not listened yet - Verse 2 sounds 'stronger' and more interesting (rather than starting with "I")...
so, I'd be tempted to swap their order... let the first-person 'intimate' message come after we've been drawn in.
Now to go listen.
Stay tuned...
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Re: A listen and a look at these lyrics please?

Post by funsongs » Fri Oct 02, 2020 9:33 am

After listening - maybe more of a breakdown for the Bridge - so it's a change of motion or structure - different from the rest?
The concept, Chorus, hook all sound strong.
HTH.
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Re: A listen and a look at these lyrics please?

Post by funsongs » Fri Oct 02, 2020 9:41 am

PS - I hadn't read the return notes first.
Still - I'd like to hear the song start with Verse 2 lyrics; Verse 1 lyrics later; and a big drop/breakdown for the Bridge.
Something that will make the Chorus more prominent.
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Re: A listen and a look at these lyrics please?

Post by JohnnyP » Fri Oct 02, 2020 10:10 am

funsongs wrote:
Fri Oct 02, 2020 9:41 am
PS - I hadn't read the return notes first.
Still - I'd like to hear the song start with Verse 2 lyrics; Verse 1 lyrics later; and a big drop/breakdown for the Bridge.
Something that will make the Chorus more prominent.
Thanks for listening Peter.
Yeah the constant guitar pattern and kick has bothered me since I recorded it. I’m going to redo those parts along with some stiff sounding percussion. Of course none of that was mentioned by the screeners lol..
It’s mostly the lyrics and the reviews from the screeners that are giving me a headache. And that second verse will most likely be scrapped- at least in a sync-friendly version. Thanks for listening and for your notes. Best, John
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Re: A listen and a look at these lyrics please?

Post by AlanHall » Fri Oct 02, 2020 10:14 am

Just reading the lyric and then the other poster's comments, I agree that V2 first draws the listener in a bit more. Plus, following that with the chorus makes the "tense" of coming home/ being home easier to understand. JM2C

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Re: A listen and a look at these lyrics please?

Post by JohnnyP » Fri Oct 02, 2020 10:22 am

AlanHall wrote:
Fri Oct 02, 2020 10:14 am
Just reading the lyric and then the other poster's comments, I agree that V2 first draws the listener in a bit more. Plus, following that with the chorus makes the "tense" of coming home/ being home easier to understand. JM2C
Thanks Alan.

Yep, Peter (Funsongs) got me thinking about V2 as V1 and it sounds like you agree. I may have to do a complete rewrite on this one. Thanks for taking the time to comment, John
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Re: A listen and a look at these lyrics please?

Post by AlanHall » Fri Oct 02, 2020 10:30 am

JohnnyP wrote:
Fri Oct 02, 2020 10:22 am
I may have to do a complete rewrite on this one
Every song ever written could use a "complete rewrite". In the interest of sanity, switching verses and swapping out a few words - the ones that seem overly 'specific' - might take this to the next level.

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