Any suggestions for a lyric change?

[Noah Silver]

I've got a song that I just received feedback on from two screeners. (It's a song that I posted a previous draft of on here--got some great feedback on it from you guys). I got great marks on it, and both screeners said that the only thing needed is one lyric change.

In the chorus, the lyrics go:

Cupid's come around to me
Aimed his arrow at my heart
And I can guarantee you that I will be the man you've always wanted

Cupid's come around to me
Aimed his arrow at my heart
And suga, don't you see
That cupid's come around to me.

Both screeners said the line "Aimed his arrow at my heart" needs to be changed, since it's redundant and predictable. (They said to keep the same melody and vibe though, just different lyrics.) After they mentioned it, I completely agree. I corresponded with one of the screeners and we agreed that some variation in the line throughout the song could be good too. Keep the line for the first and last chorus the same, but perhaps having different lines in between.

I did some brainstorming with a good friend of mine who also has a way with words, and while we came up with some lines that are much better, I still don't think it's as strong as it could be, and I'm struggling greatly to come up with what is needed.

Any suggestions you guys might have would be greatly appreciated. I've just hit a rut with my thinking and I feel like some fresh ears would have a lot better luck with this.

You can hear the song on my facebook music page: http://www.facebook.com/noahsilvermusic . It's the second one down, titled "Cupid's Come Around to Me".

Thanks!

[ottlukk]

I realize that I'm sort of a dinosaur regarding these things, but i really dislike having to join a social networking site in order to listen to a song. Especcially facebook, which seems to want to devour every e-mail address on the planet. I have my ears full with MySpace & Taxi, don't care to tend to another site. I mention this because i was going to listen and respond, and it occurred to me that others might have the same attitude.
Good luck to you, anywy.
Ott

[Noah Silver]

Similar to myspace, you don't need to be a facebook member in order to view a facebook music page.

I have it up on my myspace as well (www.myspace.com/noahsilvermusic), however I prefer to direct people to the facebook music page since the fidelity of the recordings are much better on facebook.

[marcblack30]

Hey Noah, tough line to replace, it just seems so right.
But if you must replace, maybe something like:

Cupid's come around to me
shot/hit my lonesome heart

Cupid's come around to me
(he) found my desparate/lonesome heart

[Penz2nz]

Try:

With perfect aim an' razor sharp

That cherub didn't miss his mark

He hit a bulls eye with that dart

That shaft went sailing through my heart

With a perfect wound to my heart

I could give you more but I might want to use them some day and I wouldn't want you coming back to sue me

[Noah Silver]

I dig the "razor sharp" line. I've never had this much trouble with a rewrite. So frustrating.

[Noah Silver]

Here's what I've come up with so far:


(Ooh) now baby I been shot

Hey now baby I got GOT

(Ooh) he's jivin' with my heart

Girl, keep playin' with my heart

Sent my heart a swift/quick kick start

Get/Hold me baby I been caught

Shot/Flung the strings from/of/on my guitar

Shaped my heart a shootin' star

He'd still hit/find me in the dark

My heart marked, ready or not

Arrow honed and smokin' hot

________ afar



Which of those do you guys like the most? Do you have any ideas that might stem from any of them?

[bucyboy]

What about something like:

I never stood a chance
I never had a chance
I didn't stand a chance

Or some other way of saying that you didn't plan on it, you were'nt looking for it, didn't necessarily want it, but (s)he got you regardless.

Just thinking out loud. I like the tune!

Buc

[ottlukk]

Noah:
Despite Wayne's excellent lyric suggestions, I'm going to use a metaphor here. i listened to your song, and i think both screeners missed "Noah's ark". They're looking for a yacht, or whatever. You have the right boat from the get-go. Where the hell else is Cupid supposed to shoot his arrow, if not your heart? Nothing "redundant' about it, your audience actually will relate to it. Maybe the screeners could suggest a more appropriate body part? I doubt it.
Your voice has a sweet vibe to it, and I really liked your MySpace version of it. I think the screeners are way, way off base on their critiques of the line you're worried about. Leave it alone, you got it right.
Ott