Asking for hints /corrections for a non-native speaker

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martinmichelson
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Asking for hints /corrections for a non-native speaker

Post by martinmichelson » Wed Sep 07, 2022 12:30 pm

I would appreciate a few hints on the lyrics in the following song. As a non-native speaker, I'm never sure if things fit and are correct. The song is for a female singer.

Thanks a lot.

Island in the sun

Shading my head from the midday sun
By a coffee and a cake
There’s Blue Bar Maria with her mother you should see her
Smiling at everyone
The crippled old man
is building windmills in the shade
And I dream of our love
No chance to survive
Now it’s all gone.

I met you at the harbour station
I thought you must feel quite alone
Your purple hair was shining in the sun
But you looked so melancholy
And when I took you to he beach
You seemed happy just like me
Now I know I was mistaken
In the end you could not stay
Stay with me.

Chorus:
Island in the sand,
So near
Island in the sun
So far
Longing for your touch
And kiss
Feeling the desire
And pain
Island in the sun.

Sitting in the evening sun
Dreaming of the times
When you and me walked through the sand
Feeling the deepest love
But I saw it in your eyes
This kind of mystery
Our naked bodys gleem
And under the starry sky
Lovin in the sand.

Chorus:
Island in the sand,
So near
Island in the sun
So far
Longing for your touch
And kiss
Feeling the desire
And pain
Island in the sun.

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Re: Asking for hints /corrections for a non-native speaker

Post by AlanHall » Thu Sep 08, 2022 11:45 am

martinmichelson wrote:
Wed Sep 07, 2022 12:30 pm
I would appreciate a few hints on the lyrics in the following song. As a non-native speaker, I'm never sure if things fit and are correct. The song is for a female singer.
I like the dreamy, kind of disjointed, imagery that you use. I'm not getting a real narrative thread to the story. Not sure if that's a side effect of the translation process ;)

A few spelling errors, etc that I saw:

"I met you at the harbour station"
harbour is British English, Harbor is American English. Your call!

"And when I took you to he beach"
you mistyped the word the

"When you and me walked through the sand"
"When you and I" is the correct language to use.

"Our naked bodys gleem"
probably you intended bodies?

"Lovin in the sand"
another mistype? Loving is the standard English spelling.

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Re: Asking for hints /corrections for a non-native speaker

Post by Casey H » Thu Sep 08, 2022 12:59 pm

By a coffee and a cake
Did you mean "buy" as in purchase or "by" as in next to?

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Re: Asking for hints /corrections for a non-native speaker

Post by cosmicdolphin » Thu Sep 08, 2022 2:01 pm

AlanHall wrote:
Thu Sep 08, 2022 11:45 am

"Our naked bodys gleem"
Gleam - not gleem

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Re: Asking for hints /corrections for a non-native speaker

Post by AlanHall » Thu Sep 08, 2022 6:06 pm

cosmicdolphin wrote:
Thu Sep 08, 2022 2:01 pm
AlanHall wrote:
Thu Sep 08, 2022 11:45 am

"Our naked bodys gleem"
Gleam - not gleem
Shucks. I was thinking about the toothpaste, I guess? :lol:

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Re: Asking for hints /corrections for a non-native speaker

Post by gtrmike70 » Thu Sep 08, 2022 11:39 pm

Hello Martin,

I like the title of the song and the imagery you’re going for. I’m not really seeing a consistent rhyme with your verses and chorus. It’s hard to judge without hearing. Maybe the chorus could go something like this:

Island in the sun
Won’t you meet me there?
Longing for your touch
I can feel you there
(2x)

I’m sure you have a specific melody in mind. I’m not sure if that’s what you’re looking for. I
think less is more sometimes; Especially with choruses. I would also suggest rhyming your verse lines. (Or every other line of your verses) I hope this helps Martin. Best wishes!

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Re: Asking for hints /corrections for a non-native speaker

Post by martinmichelson » Mon Sep 12, 2022 4:45 am

Thanks a lot guys for the help and corrections!

As a swedish-german person I learned and use British English. (By the way: For Europeans it is quite normal to learn three or four languages in a basic form. You travel quite some 100 kms and the language changes). In the sung version I guess you won’t hear the difference of the spelling. Of course: „You and I“„gleam“ and „bodies“

Better: „Shading my head in the midday sun over a coffee and a cake“ instead of „by a coffee and a cake“?

The rhyme of the verses and the chorus are indeed consistent to the music: „So far, so near, and kiss, and pain“. For sure it would be helpful to hear the music but I still have an early piano version.

Thanks again
Martin

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Re: Asking for hints /corrections for a non-native speaker

Post by martinmichelson » Mon Sep 12, 2022 4:47 am

The rhyme of the verses and the chorus are indeed consistent to the music: „So far, so near, and kiss, and pain“. For sure it would be helpful to hear the music but I have still an early piano version.
gtrmike70 wrote:
Thu Sep 08, 2022 11:39 pm
Hello Martin,

I like the title of the song and the imagery you’re going for. I’m not really seeing a consistent rhyme with your verses and chorus. It’s hard to judge without hearing. Maybe the chorus could go something like this:

Island in the sun
Won’t you meet me there?
Longing for your touch
I can feel you there
(2x)

I’m sure you have a specific melody in mind. I’m not sure if that’s what you’re looking for. I
think less is more sometimes; Especially with choruses. I would also suggest rhyming your verse lines. (Or every other line of your verses) I hope this helps Martin. Best wishes!

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martinmichelson
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Re: Asking for hints /corrections for a non-native speaker

Post by martinmichelson » Mon Sep 12, 2022 4:48 am

Better: „Shading my head in the midday sun over a coffee and a cake“ instead of „by a coffee and a cake“?
Casey H wrote:
Thu Sep 08, 2022 12:59 pm
By a coffee and a cake
Did you mean "buy" as in purchase or "by" as in next to?

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