Bash My Lyrics, Please.

[burpo]

Hey Nick,

I'm only going to address "Carouser" here.

(Each lyric really should be its own post.)

To my eyes, this lyric does not portray nor address
yearning. It seems more like a Casanova-like romp.
I picture almost a Gilbert and Sullivan type thing.

Actually, I think that is a cool idea for a song, but
doesn't fit the listing.

Maybe you should work up a couple of versions;
one for the listing and one that develops the existing
direction.

Good work, so far!

Hope that helps.

[Kolstad]

I have no idea how to comment on lyrics without music without target. There's just nothing to hold on to for me, allthough that's cool too.

But as lyrics standing on their own, I like the flow in your writign a lot. There are no forced rhymes, and they evoke a solid mood just by reading. That's a huge accomplishment, imo!

Great job!

I'm sorry I can't perform the "bashing". I'm more in the habit of supporting creative expression, loving it forth, than bashing it.
It might be arrogant, but I'm one of those who belives bashing is the only thing that needs bashing..

[moomy]

I agree it's difficult to comment on lyrics without the melody line. So much of songwriting that is different from prose/poetry depends on the prosody and heart of the music.

Not saying you have any of the following comments going on in your songs. Also don't know anything about how long you've been playing and how many tunes you've written so this may be kindergarten stuff to you. So consider these as general comments and just thoughts - a lot of them from Pat Pattison's classes and Taxi critiques:

First, you can tell if the words flow by reading it as a story without the music. If it sounds like a good story when you read it, it has a better chance of sounding like a good story with the music. To read it as a story though, it would need punctuation to tell what is a full thought vs an exclamation, etc. So song rhythm depends on the words, not the melody.

I scrunch up my ears when the good spoken story becomes something else because the word rhythm doesn't fit the melody rhythm. So you have to listen to them together. A word like camera - which should be pronounced with the emphasis on cam lessens the quality of the song if the melody emphasis lands on er or a instead of cam.

Second, whenever I submit one of our old songs, the critique invariably comes back with a comment on freshening the lyrics and points to one of those three things - purple prose, cliches, and backward sentences. Current music seems to sound like you talk, not like someone writing poetry into a melody - backward phrases and using odd words just to make a rhyme don't seem to be as popular now.

Like I said, these are general comments, not specifically directed at your songs.

Best of luck

[nickec]

Well. My attempt to aid Forum Members by posting an ear training freeware program elsewhere resulted in ALL of my posts being taken down. I am told nothing can be done. This was years ago. No apology, no kind words, no promise it will never happen to anyone in the future.

Critique welcomed.

https://anyc.xyz/The_Carousers_Prayer.html