Been wanting some feedback on this for a while

[squidlips]

I really love the lyrics on this song (written by Millie Glaser) but I completely missed the boat musically. My fault, my fault!Can you help me fix this? I mean, should I give it up or rewrite the music? Reviewers have said the word "it" is too vague for an audience so my suggestion was change that to "you" and turn it into a break-up/victory-over-your-bad-self type song. She hasn't agreed yet (jes sent her an email but I think she'll do it). If that's the case, what would you suggest I do to make this more commercially viable?http://www.broadjam.com/player/player.as....ionI NDEX=29405Be Me I’m waitin’ for the day when it never even passes my way I’m waitin’ for the time when it never even crosses my mind I know I won’t forget about it any time soon Maybe not until my next life in my mother’s womb So I will smile more and laugh a lot I will change my mind or maybe not I will laugh out loud. Who cares if someone can see me? I’m jes gonna be me I’m goin’ through my past, only keepin’ the finest memories All my silly transgressions, unspoken confessions I am tossin’ to the seas Well, I know I won’t forget ‘em by the end of the day It doesn’t really matter cuz I’ve thrown ‘em all away I’m gonna dance around in my front yard I’m gonna finally let down my guard I will smile at that woman that I see I’m jes gonna be me. All my childhood humiliations All my foolish 20-somethin’ indiscretions All my daily naggin’ self-recriminations I am leavin’ ‘em all behind I’m gonna sail my life on a different course I’m gonna take my cue right from the source I will live my life without regret or fear I’m jes gonna be I’m gonna be I’m jes gonna be me. (millie glaser/nita hope/josh rahalski 2004)

[jewelwing]

Here's a out there thought...I was listening to "Feels Like Tonight" by Daughtry while I was reading your posting, and I started to sing your lyrics to the Daughtry background (making up a melody to match), and it actually worked in that style! So you've got options; the question is: what style/genre do you want?

[billg]

Hey there, I think changing the "it" to "you" is a great idea & other than that I wouldn't change a thing. I think you have a really cool tune here just the way it is! -billg-

[squidlips]

I'm still waiting to hear back from her. I might have to break down and call her. And jewelwing, you're right, this song could go into almost any genre......I checked out the Daughtry song (great song, btw) and I could see where you were going with that. Guess I jes hafta wait to see if she's willing to change that one word (which is an important word to her, since she's talking about her bout with cancer).We'll see. Thanks a lot, guys. I appreciate the input. Wish a few more woulda weighed in but I guess without her okay, it's probably pointless anyway.

[mixopenta]

Great song! Great voice! And as far as production goes, I think it's ready to go.However, a few points seeing as you want it to sound more commercial, and perhaps more current..?IMHO there's not a whole lot that needs to be changed, in my ears it's both commercial and current as it is, though I think what is dragging it a bit back might be that the rhythm track is pretty constant and a bit too busy throughout the song. I'm thinking that a few more breaks, and variations, along with a more scaled down rhythm track could do the trick. This could also be done to help dynamics between verse and chorus, so that there's a more apparent "lift" in the chorus.I'd like to think that this song very well could shine through an arrangement having the focus on vocals, drums, percussion, and bass, with the rest of the instrumentation acting more as a spice, and kept fairly back in the mix.dunno if this was the kind of feedback you wanted, but anyways, it's there if you should need it.Thanks for sharing, and good luck!

[squidlips]

Hey, u! Yep, that was exactly what I was looking for. A reviewer agreed with you on that.....the chorus didn't have liftoff because the guitar didn't change all that much) and I like the ideas of the breaks in it and scaling back the guitar tracks, leaving it more percussive and leaning on the bass, etc. Excellent advice, thank you so much! I hope Millie calls me back soon. I have high hopes for these lyrics. I wish my voice sounded more upbeat, though....more Sheryl Crow-ish, but those days are long gone now.

[jchitty]

Well, I'm back from running errands here, so I'll give this one a shot, Squid. "Be Me" has that "Put Your Records On" (Corrine Bailey Rae) vibe....I LOVE it. I am no musician, so I can't tell you how to fix the technical problems on it, but from a songwriter's standpoint, I think it has a fantastic hook. Easy to sing, and very universal in theme...basic message, "I gotta be myself." Who couldn't identify with that? I seriously can hear this song being played on VH1. The only prob I might have with it (yes, the lyrics are excellent here) is not the 'it' word, but maybe the line 'all my foolish 20-something indescretions." Now, that's a great line....it's not the line itself, but someone hearing might think the song is meant for people past their twenties, and this song can appeal to anyone.However, don't take my thoughts on this seriously 'coz I am no TAXI screener, the line about 20-something is just fine most likely....another person might say that the line could be sung by a 20-something person....they are still in the decade of being twenty, but still reflecting on their lives.I think this is commercial ready too...it's THAT good....very hooky and catchy and just the type of song you'd hear on any radio format.I'd buy this song, and your voice sounds great here....with a voice like yours, you could sing prices from the Sears catalog and it would still sound good.

[squidlips]

Hey chits:I love that line, "foolish" too. It was hellish to get all those words out.......southern accent, TMJ, whatever, lol. And it might cut out that 20-something crowd, you're right about that. I hate that. It just will not get forwarded. The reviewers are really having an issue with "not enough contrast in the chorus" and the word "it". You know what they're saying.....the public won't be able to relate to "it" even though I personally think they can put their own situation in there without a problem. (sigh)Thanks for the input.....maybe, since I haven't heard from her, I'll call her again and see if I can catch her. She's probably avoiding me, lolol!! That song meant a lot to her. You know how it is.

[jchitty]

Quote:Hey chits:I love that line, "foolish" too. It was hellish to get all those words out.......southern accent, TMJ, whatever, lol. And it might cut out that 20-something crowd, you're right about that. I hate that. It just will not get forwarded. The reviewers are really having an issue with "not enough contrast in the chorus" and the word "it". You know what they're saying.....the public won't be able to relate to "it" even though I personally think they can put their own situation in there without a problem. (sigh)Thanks for the input.....maybe, since I haven't heard from her, I'll call her again and see if I can catch her. She's probably avoiding me, lolol!! That song meant a lot to her. You know how it is.Aww, you'll hear from her sooner or later. I guess you've submitted "Be Me" to several different listings? I've heard of songs that weren't fowarded for certain listings, but they got a foward on another listing....even if they had certain issues. What one person doesn't find appealing, another one might....plus, it comes down to those 'target' issues as well. It's worth a shot again....or you can just redemo...it ain't cheap though....sigh. I love the song though....so good luck on it. When I first came on the TAXI board, I had this philosophy that songwriting is like throwing darts.....I strayed from that for a while, but I'm beginning to believe it more than ever. You have to keep creating those darts, throw them, and if they don't stick, create some more, and then throw them again....one of those darts might hit the target one day. It's disheartening when you put so much into a song, but when I write a lot, then I have something else to look foward too and that keeps my hopes up. I'm sure the lady that wrote this song writes a lot too....guess it's the only thing that helps me get through the 'passes,' hehe. It's like you get another chance to roll the dice.

[squidlips]

That's a refreshing attitude! I'm gonna try that way of thinking for a while, see how it turns out.Yep, I'm probably gonna hafta let this one go or pitch it again to a different kind of listing. I'm not sure what, though. I think it's a little mediocre singing on my part, which isn't helping. I should've keyed it up a couple of steps, that woulda put some bounce in it. What was I thinkin?