"Broken" Version 1.1

[superflux]

Posted this once before and it was greetedby a chorus of tumbleweeds, I guess becauseit was so weak in its first iteration.Well here's a rewrite. Any feedback would be welcome.It can be found at: www.broadjam.com/CaraHays************** ... ***"Broken" Hays/Chapman Verse 1:I don’t wear envy wellMy complexion’s much too fairSo I strike a stoic poseWon’t let your friends see my despairThen I take the bus back homeJust to find the DVR set for your favorite showAnd now I know thatChorus:I’ve been broken with the promise that you made meFallin’ apart right at the seamsBeat up like the car that you drove off inwith all my dreamsI don’t want the world to see that I’ve been brokenVerse 2:So I found an apartmentAcross town from our old placeAnd I hoped a change of sceneWould fade the image of your faceAnd I kinda like the wayThat the people here don’t see that my smile’s just a showCuz they don’t know thatChorusBridge:Weren’t you the one who talked forever from the startHow your life began when you met meYou had to have me, couldn’t stand to be apartRight up until the day you left meYou left me brokenDouble ChorusI’ve been brokenI’ve been broken ******************************************Thanks for your time,Steve

[dada]

Hey Superflux,I did listen to your previous post... been having computer problems at home, but everything is back together along with wireless broadband to boot... woo hoo....I liked the song in general, although this recording seemed a little lacking in quality, like Broadband knocked it down a notch or something.. I thought I remembered your previous post having a little more clarity.. nothing to do with the tune I knowThe thing I dislike most is the singers pronunciation techniques through the tune.. Without reading the lyrics while listening, it was hard to distinguish what the words were saying... Almost like she was trying to hard to come off sounding good...Again, other than that I thought it was well put together, alhtough a few tweaks to production could help it stand out more... (i.e. backing vocals, changing up the lyric a little, etc...)Just my thoughts..Keep tracking, DaveMy noisehttp://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandid=189280

[superflux]

Thanks for the input, Dave. I appreciate your taking thetime.I'm still fumbling with procuction. I was hoping thisversion would be an improvement over the last one.Maybe I did something wrong when I exported it tomp3. When I listen online it seems like the vocalsare a lot wetter than when I listen to the project inSonar. I'll keep at it.Thanks for the feedback.Steve

[opensky]

I've never heard the original, but it seems like the production lacks the clarity and i agree with Dave about little things that would help make this stand out more like back up vocals. Cara can sing well, however my first impression is that her voice would sound better singing country. I think the song has potential but if you can make the chorus stand out more musically it would help. Keep up the good work:).

[sourman]

Hey man--I got a chance to listen to Broken.First off, I'm very critical, of everything, especially myself.I threaten to quit music everyday because I'm confinced I suck. In fact I actually did quit for 5 years. I missed it to much so now I'm back with a vengence!Suffice to say I'm not a glass is half full kind of guy.The song sounds like it could be a pretty good tune.It follows the typical format of a pop song which is what I think you're into based on your comments to me. I can't REALLY focus on the tune itself becasue of 2 things that stand out to me.1. The woman's performace. I think I agree about the annunciation, it's sort of throws me. You also need to get her to stay on the mic. She sounds like she is backing off. My instinct tells me to raise the key of this song. She hits all these notes way too easy. Make her work for the choruses, it will give it more desperation. She's broken for god's sake. She should sound it.She sounds bored.2. Production. In this area I can give you very specific comments... in bulleted fashion cause that's how I think.a. The tempo seems to go in and out. Some of the fills are a little out of genre. The double splash fills etc... I would suggest fills that are more legatto that staccato. I'd also like a bigger drum sound if possible.If it's not recorded to a click try doing so. I usually try and get 5 or 6 good drum takes then edit them together. Some people claim to be purists and are against editing, but when you're up against major label production (and you are) there's not room for that.Unless you're drummer is Jim Keltner, he isn't going to get a take from begining to end that is radio ready.b. Beef up the choruses. You can easily do this two ways. First double the strumming guitar part and pan them hard left and right. For an added coolness factor tape two guitar picks together seperated by a nickel and use that. It will give you a more 'pick' sound and add some motion. Maybe 16th note's on the tamborine for the choruses?I would also have the singer do the chorus three times or four times. Vocal take one is natural, maybe a bit of reverb. Take two has a very slight distorion... very slight, almost none. Take three has possibly some delay, maybe a thicker reverb, play around with it. Pan the natural take dead center.The others hard left and right.Blend them in until you can just barely hear them. Then pull it back a touch. The goal isn't to make it sounded effected, just fatter. If you want, you can send me the wav files for each track and I'll do a mix for you... recut anything that needs to be recut. If you like it, we can talk $$, if not... no harm no foul.Let me know.Hope this was helpful...-- Mansourwww.sourman.comBTW-- I'm a designer if you need any graphic work let me know.

[superflux]

Thanks for all the help, guys!As live performers in a cover band we (sort of)know what we're doing. When it comes to writingand recording our own stuff, it's obvious we'recomplete neophytes. I truly am grateful for the advice, and I'm eager toimplement the new ideas. Mansour, all my browbeating really paid off!!It's like a clinic in one post. We don't really have the players in Little Rockto do much of this kind of stuff, so we maywant to get with you about laying downsome tracks. I'll talk to Cara (she of the uniqueenunciation), who by the way, is the primary composer of the tune, and see what we figure out. I may drop you a line, and see if you're interested.Thanks again for the wisdom folks!!Steve

[dada]

[quote author=sourman board=peer thread=1137280949 post=1138844169]Hey man--"First off, I'm very critical, of everything, especially myself.I threaten to quit music everyday because I'm confinced I suck."...and I thought it was just me.... Amen brother

[brokamp]

Hi Super,I'm new so I'm not sure how much weight my suggestions will carry. One thing that I might suggest is a slight tweaking of the lyrics. "Broken" should be the payoff line. Maybe:Like the promise that you've made me I've been brokenI know it seems like it's taking some of the mystery out of it, but I'm not sure that's bad since most non-musicians think in more of a linear mindset (musicians, well we're lucky to think at all) Keep it up though!

[superflux]

Quote:Hi Super,I'm new so I'm not sure how much weight my suggestions will carry. One thing that I might suggest is a slight tweaking of the lyrics. "Broken" should be the payoff line. Maybe:Like the promise that you've made me I've been brokenI know it seems like it's taking some of the mystery out of it, but I'm not sure that's bad since most non-musicians think in more of a linear mindset (musicians, well we're lucky to think at all) Keep it up though!Brokamp,Thanks for being so generous with your time and givinglots of follks a listen. Many people just show up hereand expect everybody to listen to their stuff. We'll take the suggestion under advisement. We've alreadybeen told by somebody whose opinion we thinkquite highly of, that the way the lyrics of the chorusinteract with the movement of the melody is one ofthe strong things about the tune. But we'll mull overyour take on it.Have you put anything out there for us to check out?I'll go look around now...Thanks again for the input! Steve and Cara

[nomiyah]

Steve,I enjoyed hearing the song. It's pretty good though I agree with some of the other comments.The lyrics on the second verse flow really well but the first verse comes out awkward. Consider rewriting the first verse so the words come out more musically.If I were you, I'd record live performances, at least a good stereo mix from the board. Pick the best version of a song and then overdub tracks in the studio. The technique is from Zappa who did that a lot.Sounding good. Keep it up.Nomi