Comments on new song?

[barista]

Greetings. I'm new here. Wanted to ask if anyone might be willing to comment on my song "Richard Romero." At broadjam:" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">http://www.broadjam.com/artists/artisti ... stID=25462 I have pitched this one to several publishers. They dig it but want the music to go somewhere else as the song progresses. I'm open to collaboration also.Thanks!MM

[staggerlee]

I must say the song is pretty catchy, but i see what those publishers mean. Lyrically the song is going nowhere, its ok for the first 2-3 verses, but then insert a lyrical bridge (either over the instrumental one uv already got, or before it). You need more contrast - I say from singing silly lyrics about this guy, go to mentioning something more deep about life, get it, so the song is not just a silly jingle, but the listener can be left with a more profound thought afterwards. And the final couple of verses need to be varied, i think the lyrics should really be a story...theat goeas from one place, have a climax and finally culminate...Get it?

[serge]

Hi Maianne !Nice to meet you !This is nice and catchy tune ! Real fun !Overall it's a pretty good old rock'n roll. Musically it's nearly complete work. Do you need a chorus here ? I think - no !The only one thing I can suggest is to think about the ending of the verses. You must fill it with a little guitar hook or some vocals short lines. It's to my taste only I like the lyrics as is But if a publisher needs some blood, sweet and tears let your Richard put a bullet into his head like "Richard Cory" did ! Someting like that ! But please don't turn a great funny tune to gospell Serge

[brokamp]

I would agree with stagger on this one. I can see the potential. I just feel like I would like to hear some kind of revelation about ole' Richard as a payoff. You do an excellent job of painting Rich (can I call him Rich?) in my head and I'm buying the fact that there may be a romantic connection there. But that's where I'm left with it. What happens that makes me care about this relationship as the listener? (With all due respect.) Maybe give some closure by illustrating what happens when Richard finally comes over, or if he doesn't come over why not when he has someone singing such a groovin' a song to him? Very catchy though and I feel like I can see the guy in my head.