COMMENTS PLEASE-A welshman writing a country track

[inhisownwords]

Hi again,I've gone and done the unthinkable. I've attempted to write a country track! It's not something I know too much about, but I hope that it works. The track is called 'Again & again' and can be found here:http://www.myspace.com/inhisownwordsYour comments really do help!!Here are the lyrics:Come on baby let's talk,Come on baby let's hold for a while,Come on baby let's turn these thoughts,In to something beautiful.I hope you feel, this love for real,Cos to fall for you, is something that I would do,Again and again,Why not give it a chance?Why not let something grow inside?Why not try and turn these thoughts,In to something beautiful.I hope you feel, this love for real,Cos to fall for you, is something that I would do,Again and again,This time you'll see,I'll do things right, You're all I need,Come home tonight,Baby please...Cheers all!Tim

[inhisownwords]

Could really do with some opinions from Country writers, guys! Tim

[benjamine]

What makes you think it's Country.What Country artists do you have in mind for pitching to.

[inhisownwords]

I suppose the only aspects that made me think it was suited for country was the instrumentation (slide guitar) and again, my knowledge of Country isn't huge, but I was working to a Lonestar template I suppose, but I'm sure there are much more modern and relevant artists doing modern country ballads? I guess this is where I need your guys help. Thanks ever so much for listening Ben.Tim

[jwebbinspired]

Tim, You actually are real close to the country music of today actually. I mean look at Rascal Flatts, Blake Shelton "Home", but most of all it sounds like an Emerson Drive melody to me...it's all pop/adult contemporary melodies. I like your melody a lot. A big thing I would suggest is that if you're trying to write country is to write uptempo. It's 70% of what Nashville needs and 7% of what's written. So it really increases your chances of getting a placement. Lyrically, I think you're on the right track. Country should be conversational and/or a story. And yours is clearly conversational. I just don't the lyrics are unique enough. I'd work on them a bit more. Nice trackAndy

[teleblaster]

Ya, this has a new country vibe. Power pop ballad stuff is really hard to pull off. You've done a great job. Well written track and pretty well recorded. Some pitchiness in the lead vox: for instance @ 33 sec the syllable 'thoughts' should be re-tracked or tuned with software; it occurs in a few other spots. The strings might be a bit too much for a Nashville cut, maybe use them a bit less or lower in the mix.. Love the lead guitar tone that appeared at 2:00, I'd find a few more places for it in the track.I agree with the Rascal Flatts analogy. That's a huge compliment in my book. Nicely done!Erich

[inhisownwords]

Hi guys,These comments are really useful! Thank you so much. You're right about the pitchy vox. It's because of the pitch correction unit I used when I didn't even need to. It played around with the nuance of the vocal and made it sound like that! I will alter that though and see how it sounds without it.Cheers again,Tim

[ibanez468]

Hey inhisownwords!Not much of a country listener myself, but this sounds pretty GOOD actually! For some reason it cuts off after a minute or so, so I didn't get to hear the whole thing. But it grabbed me, and that's what's important, so GOOD JOB! I suspect this won't be your last attempt, considering how well this turned out.ibanez468

[mojobone]

I think it's country enough and marketable, but maybe not as is. The production is 98% there, and the song's about 85%, but where it goes off the rails is in the structure and the phrasing, particularly in the chorus.Starting with structure, this:This time you'll see,I'll do things right,You're all I need,Come home tonight,Baby please...should be your intro. You can come back to it at the end, (or before the last chorus) as a reprise, makes a lovely pair of bookends, and more importantly, sets up the situation for the listener. (jes' don't take the melody up high on the word, "please" the first time) On the other hand, if this section functions as your bridge, you could leave it as is and use these same lines for an intro with a relatively flat, static melody. You might also want to adjust where you put that key change-but definitely keep it.In the chorus, the phrasing is behind the beat, which makes the sentiment being expressed seem hesitant when you're trying to portray a very strong emotion; lose the pauses. Your background vocal is fighting with your melody in the chorus, and it's because the melody wants to soar. Kick it up high, here and let the singer show off! Great singers love to pull off big wide intervals, give 'em something to sink their teeth in.There are also a few places where the lyrics could be improved-if you take a lyric out of the context of the melody and say it, it has to sound like a person speaking rather than giving a speech. To my ear, this line, in particular, fails that test..."Cos to fall for you, is something that I would do,"there's also, " Come on baby let's hold for a while,"This kinda stuff's an easy fix, but you might also try to work in some more detail and backstory by implication while your guy's pleading with his woman to fall in love with him again. viz:come on baby let's talkcome on girl let me hold you closebaby, couldn't we turn back timeback to something beautifulYeah, "turn back time" is an awful cliche, I'm sure you'll think of something much better. Make it more personal:why not give us a chance?something's in you you tried to hideturn around, let me take us back,back to something beautiful.Picture the scene in your mind, then paint it. Maybe the guy sees his ex in a dancehall; he's desperate to win her back, but gets tongue-tied with emotion (cowboys don't deal well, they get nonverbal) he sweeps her onto the dancefloor and tells the DJ to play your song. All ya gotta do is speak for him. If I seem a little too forward and a lot too involved, here, forgive me. I usedta be that guy. You've got a potentially wonderful song, here; it jes needs a few nudges.

[inhisownwords]

That was such a wonderful comment, thank you ever so much for your time. I will work on this again and will definitely give you a heads up when it's done!T