Could I get feedback on this lyric?
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Could I get feedback on this lyric?
Just wrote this song and would appreciate feedback on the lyric.
Prechorus is just a short transition, and bridge is not included/not done yet.
Verse 1:
I don’t recognize this town
Empty streets, empty bars
Where (are) the people, where (are) the cars?
And I’m stuck here on my own
Wondering if anything
Will ever be the same again
Pre-chorus:
And the days drag on and on and
Chorus:
I wish that time would fly like it did
When I was a kid
Until things got back to normal
Oh how I long for the day
When I see you again
And life is back in colours
I wish that time would fly
Verse 1:
It’s like the walls are caving in
It’s just me and my phone
And I’m no good at being alone
Don’t know how long it will be
It’s like I’m living in a dream
I facetime you and kiss the screen
Pre-chorus:
While the night drags on and on and
Chorus:
I wish that time would fly like it did
When I was a kid
Until things got back to normal
Oh how I long for the day
When I see you again
And life is back in colours
I wish that time would fly
Prechorus is just a short transition, and bridge is not included/not done yet.
Verse 1:
I don’t recognize this town
Empty streets, empty bars
Where (are) the people, where (are) the cars?
And I’m stuck here on my own
Wondering if anything
Will ever be the same again
Pre-chorus:
And the days drag on and on and
Chorus:
I wish that time would fly like it did
When I was a kid
Until things got back to normal
Oh how I long for the day
When I see you again
And life is back in colours
I wish that time would fly
Verse 1:
It’s like the walls are caving in
It’s just me and my phone
And I’m no good at being alone
Don’t know how long it will be
It’s like I’m living in a dream
I facetime you and kiss the screen
Pre-chorus:
While the night drags on and on and
Chorus:
I wish that time would fly like it did
When I was a kid
Until things got back to normal
Oh how I long for the day
When I see you again
And life is back in colours
I wish that time would fly
- cosmicdolphin
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Re: Could I get feedback on this lyric?
Bit negative / miserable / self indulgent. Sounds like an whinge from an older person.
Make it younger / a love story :-
Verse 1:
We don’t recognize this town
Empty streets, empty bars
Where (are) our people, where is our crowd ?
And we're together but alone
Wondering if anything
Could ever be the same again
Sorry that took me about 20 seconds but you get the idea ?
Mark
Make it younger / a love story :-
Verse 1:
We don’t recognize this town
Empty streets, empty bars
Where (are) our people, where is our crowd ?
And we're together but alone
Wondering if anything
Could ever be the same again
Sorry that took me about 20 seconds but you get the idea ?
Mark
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- AlanHall
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Re: Could I get feedback on this lyric?
I got the sense that maybe it was two different songs. The first, a song about our current situation where everybody is away from everybody else. And the second, a love song.
I'd like the lyric to be one or the other, and bring out the intensity of whichever situation the writer picks.
I'd like the lyric to be one or the other, and bring out the intensity of whichever situation the writer picks.
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- GBall
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Re: Could I get feedback on this lyric?
This part is my favorite:
It’s just me and my phone
And I’m no good at being alone
I think that deserves more exposure as the first line of a different song. .. the main hook and idea maybe?
It’s just me and my phone
And I’m no good at being alone
I think that deserves more exposure as the first line of a different song. .. the main hook and idea maybe?
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Re: Could I get feedback on this lyric?
Thank you, guys. Much apperciated!
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Re: Could I get feedback on this lyric?
I like it. The only suggestion I have would be to remove all the "ands" and "I's" and "It's like" ...redundant words that are not necessary and add no meaning or color to the song. Cheers.
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Re: Could I get feedback on this lyric?
RunarB,
Keep at it. i think there's a song in there somewhere. I'm just having a bit of trouble with the line...
"I wish that time would fly like it did
When I was a kid"
Time moved very slow for me when I was a young boy. It seems like my childhood lasted forever.
I get the imagery of emptiness, longing and how fast our lives can unfold. Your song is 'there'...just a bit of a stew that needs a new recipe in it's current form in my opinion.
Keep at it. i think there's a song in there somewhere. I'm just having a bit of trouble with the line...
"I wish that time would fly like it did
When I was a kid"
Time moved very slow for me when I was a young boy. It seems like my childhood lasted forever.
I get the imagery of emptiness, longing and how fast our lives can unfold. Your song is 'there'...just a bit of a stew that needs a new recipe in it's current form in my opinion.
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- AlanHall
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Re: Could I get feedback on this lyric?
At this point in my life, I can look back 20 years as if it were only yesterday. When I was 18, not so much
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Re: Could I get feedback on this lyric?
Hey, some good things already mentioned here. I might add that the chorus doesn't seem to have much of a rhyming scheme or even near rhymes. But maybe that's just the country songwriter in me talking.
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Re: Could I get feedback on this lyric?
I too think the chorus needs more of a rhyming scheme. Here is an example of something I might do with the chorus. Good luck!
I wish that time would fly,
Waiting is hard but I must try,
The colors of life are washed away,
Having to live without you each day,
I just know when I see your face,
The black and white of life will be replaced,
Praying for the days of no more goodbyes,
I wish time would fly.
I wish that time would fly,
Waiting is hard but I must try,
The colors of life are washed away,
Having to live without you each day,
I just know when I see your face,
The black and white of life will be replaced,
Praying for the days of no more goodbyes,
I wish time would fly.
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