Dating advice on this forum?

[nomiyah]

I know this is weird but there's a reason I'm asking for dating advice on this forum.There's a guy I've secretly liked for a couple of years. He's good looking, sweet tempered, hard working, intelligent and single. So what's the problem? He's deaf. With a hearing aid and lip reading he communicates very well. But he can't hear music.People on this forum know how I feel about music, it's an integral part of my identity since I was a young child. How do you think you'd feel if you were in a relationship with someone who couldn't hear your music? Please give me your opinions. Thanks.

[hummingbird]

Nomiyah, that's not wierd. I can understand your concern.In my view, if all the other elements of a healthy relationship are there, then his inability to hear music is secondary - as long as he understands and supports your need to do music, be in music, how much it is a part of who you are. He may not 'hear' your music, but I'll bet he can appreciate poetry, and I'll bet he can appreciate the expression with which you sing your music. Kinda reminds me of Mr Hollands' Opus, with Richard Dreyfuss - a composer & music teacher who has a deaf son - he just doesn't know how to communicate to his boy without the music! But they do find a way. What does your 'guy' have to say about music? Can he appreciate how important it is to you? Can he accept that you'll be up at 3 am playing the same phrase over and over looking for just the right riff? Can he appreciate that it's not a job or a hobby, but something that is in you, and of you, and IS you, to a great extent? I'd ask the same questions of any guy, hearing or no. I've been deaf in one ear since I was 14... but thank goodness I can still hear the music.warmlyHummin'bird

[zink]

Hey Nomi,Who you are is more important than what you do.While music is an integral part of your life, it's not who you are, it's what you do...It's one of the parts (a big part granted) that makes up who you are...A thread in the tapestyWould you rather date someone who likes you for what you do or date someone who like you for who you are?Z

[hummingbird]

ah well... that's a philosophical discussion I had with someone a while back. She said the same thing, that music is what I DO, not what I AM - and I disagree. Music has healed me, expresses me, connects me to others - whether it's considered commerical or not - it's too much a part of my Self to be separate. For me, since I am an artist, teacher, musican, poet - my creative life defines who I am and what I do."Since we are creative beings, our lives become our works of art"- Julia Cameron (The Artist's Way)

[zink]

This is indeed an interesting debate.This is totally rhetorical...Just a thoughtEverything you do defines who you are. Whether it's the poem you wrote last night or that guy you cut off in the parking lot yesterday...we are a product of our experiences...and it's those experiences that drive our art, be it music, sculpture, film, gardening...But to define yourself by what you create is a slippery slope...Well, maybe to define yourself too much on your art is a slippery slope...Perhaps music isn't seperate from the Self, it's an ingredient. But, there is so much more to the Self than just that....________________________________Just a thought. I don't know if this is what I believe or not...It's just some food for thought.Z

[hummingbird]

Hey Z, maybe it's semantics - for instance, a song is the *product* of one's creativity. As such it is an *expression* of the Self/Universe/Divine/Creator/Creation (how ever flawed the product is in technical application) and, it might be a window to one's heart/soul and thus it may be a catalyst for a *knowing* of you. It is the *act* of creating that defines one as a *creator*. An artist/musican/creator feels that creating is as essential to them as breathing.,,, and, no matter how many *products* they have made in the past... what's important is being in the *now* and experiencing the thrill/struggle/satisfaction/frustration of *working* on something.I call this the Creative Process. It is in me, and of me, but is also 'beyond' me. Creative play, creative experimentation, having the time/space/serenity to create - regardless of the greatness or smallness of the *product*, allowing oneself to (e.g.) paint badly on the road to painting well.... understanding that it is re-painting and re-writing and re-working that creates the final work....., being with someone who didn't *get* all this, would deaden my spirit, block my process, take much of the joy from my living.So you're right, the product of music/art may be separate from the Self... but the creativity in one's Self/Soul that urges one to play/paint/write IS part of the self/spirit/soul. hey Nomiyah... hope we haven't hi-jacked your thread, LOL

[drew]

Nomiyah, I find this interesting!I attempted to put myself in his shoes. Since his senses don't include hearing beautiful music, what pleases his remaining senses the most? (besides the obvious)If his biggest stimulation or excitement was using his sense of sight to enjoy the random and chaotic designs and colors created by a kaleidoscope would he not want to date you if you didn't appreciate this enough to sit around watching it with him instead of enjoying your personal favorite passtime of music?My wife and I agee to let each other have our own passions, I don't make her go to gigs and concerts with me (though she is always invited) and she doesn't make me go to her craft shows. Works out pretty well.

[slimcharm]

Nomi, My hubby loves golf. He plays when he can. Watches it all the time and just loves it.Thats a big part of his life. I appreciate that sports aspect of his personality and let him get on with watching and playing. I can see golf on TV..go out on a golf course and try to understand where the great pleasure is in chasing that little ball..but bottomline is I think golf is just ok. BUT I can appreciate that he loves it. I dont have to PARTICIPATE in the game to understand the passion, know its a strong love of his and support him when he does well or not.Your friend does not have to be able to hear you play to appreciate that you love music, are a musician and it is integral to your personality. Instead the key is that he understands how important it is to you.He takes pleasure in knowing how happy it makes you...you incorporate how he makes you feel in your music and though he cant hear it..he can FEEL it in a different way..in the way you radiate and communicate to him. He doesnt have to HEAR it.As Vikki indicated..a hearing guy could be less supportive than a non hearing one.

[matto]

Nomi,I guess it all depends on what you want from this relationship. If you need somebody who understands your music and can appreciate it or somebody you can discuss it with, obviously this guy is not him.If you don't, then it really shouldn't matter as long as he can understand and appreciate what music means to you.Maybe this is politically incorrect, but...if you dated somebody who didn't like your music, it might actually be better if he was deaf, that way he wouldn't be annoyed by your constant humming, whistling and noodling... Seriously though, it's really difficult for me to imagine what I would do if I were in your shoes...ultimately it's one of those situations where generic advice is pretty useless.matto

[zink]

Sorry for the tangent Nomi....Well said Vicki, especially the part about struggle.