Disconnection: 2nd re-write AAA/Alt-rock

[partyofone]

Hello,This is a song that I got 7's and 8's on in my initial critiques and they suggested some tweaks. I rewrote and brought it to the Road Rally where my mentor said the chorus still didn't have enough lift. So this is my 2nd re-write and I'd like to hear from the group before I re-record the whole thing.Version 1: http://pleasurejunkie.net/disconnection1.mp3 - The Taxi screener said there wasn't enough contrast in this one.Version 2: http://pleasurejunkie.net/disconnection2.mp3 - This chorus I like better, but mentor said took too long to get there. Plus thought maybe chorus could be bigger (he, he)Version 3 (Current): http://pleasurejunkie.net/disconnection3.mp3 In particular I'm concerned with:1) Lift/impact for chorus2) Overall flow (i.e. is the verse too long, etc)3) Strength of melodyThanks and I apologize in advance for some bad notes and sloppy playing!

[heinsite]

hey pat!this is much clearer, i was gunna say when i heard the first version (by mistake..) you had to bring out your vocal--now generally, i dig this tune, it is a cross between "today" tunes i hear on the raydeeoh and kinda has a U2 vibe ('cuz your vocal on this is pretty rough in spots, but hell, works for bono too!!)now do NOT take this wrong--you have something here, i love the tune! hear so many good pieces, good structure, etc.but what i would do is have this produced and sung by somebody else--it's a gem that just needs to be polished man--unless this is just a very rough draft that you can hear getting much better--but don't think so, and please, no offense at all--that's why i have all my "ready as they can be" tunes demo'd out--and what i'm hearing here on just one listen is a "ready" song...and yes, by ANY of the standards of AAA or singer/songwriter radio play, your chorus is just damned fine man--now take this from a guy that aint forwarded much... but i have fairly good ears most of the time....great job, all the bestwarrenps: just saw your from nashville? do not country this tune--duh--but they do have some damn good studios there that do OTHER styles as well, i'd check it out...xoxoxo

[davekershaw]

Hey Patrick.I think this is a promising track.Good melody, and I like the rising vocal in the chorus.Definite Bono/U2 feel.I reckon with the right production this could sound really good.I'd go along with Warren, and get it pro demo'd.Good luck with it.Dave.

[partyofone]

Dave and Warren, thanks for feed back and no offense taken, Warren. I went back and realized the vocal was much worse off then I had imagined so I'm gonna recut one today real quick and repost. And yeah it's a pretty rough production for sure.I have toyed with getting a session singer before, because I'm a not great singer by any stretch although I've been working on this area diligently. The problem is that I've been bitten by the artist bug and I can't seem to let go of the idea of performing my own stuff I believe I can turn out a strong production here in my studio, but I definitely want to make sure the song is ready before I go back and re-record the tracks. Whatever I do I definitely will be sure not to "Nashville" the track

[partyofone]

Taking down the original track and reposting shortly...

[davekershaw]

Yeah, I think if you can get your voice togetherthen it will work.You've got a good voice for it, and I always like to heara writer sing his/her own song.You thought about dropping the key to help you with the high end?

[partyofone]

Thanks Dave. No, actually haven't explored key change possibilities. That 'A' is pretty high for me and funny thing is that I completely changed the chorus melody last night after struggling for weeks with the song, and it just seemed to really flow well, but of course be harder on the ol' pipes But maybe that's a thought.. hmmm, thanks.

[davekershaw]

Just had a listen to the original Disconnection, and your voice is quite low in the verse, and not so high in the chorus.The new version definitely lifts the chorus.Maybe a slight drop in key may work, but I do like the highnessin the new track.I have that problem myself with some songs.I want the high notes for the effect, but by the time I've done one take the throat muscles are really straining.Gotta take a break then!

[partyofone]

Quote:Just had a listen to the original Disconnection, and your voice is quite low in the verse, and not so high in the chorus.Yeah, for sure. I've REALLY killed myself going back and forth on this meldoy, going through dozens. None seemed to have the power I needed.Quote:I have that problem myself with some songs.I want the high notes for the effect, but by the time I've done one take the throat muscles are really straining.Gotta take a break then! Ain't that the TRUTH! ha ha. I've been doing a lot of voice training trying to get the kind voice I want. I used to not even be able to hit a high 'A'. Now I can but it's usually pitchy, so I'm working on control and not squeezing up there so much. Thanks for listening.

[partyofone]

OK, I recut the vocals and tweaked everything. Still not broadcast quality, but would like to hear any feedback on the song itself including melody and lyrics. The high notes still are not as strong as I'd like so maybe I'll have to look into lowering the key as Dave suggested or retool the chorus melody.You can use the link to my Taxi page above or http://pleasurejunkie.net/disconnection3.mp3Thanks in advance!