Don't Let Him Break Your Heart

[momof4]

okay, so i don't like posting stuff that hasn't been polished a little more - it's very humbling, but i'm kind of stuck with this one and am hoping you can give me some direction (i.e. good idea but needs more work vs nah, needs a TON of work...put that one back in the file). i just don't really know what else to do with it at this point, and maybe it just needs to be totally rewritten. it seems a little "blah" to me, so...feel free to say so. style: country, sung by a manthanks! ErinDon't Let Him Break Your Heart2008 Erin VenableI was there the dayYou first recognized your shadowPointed down, said, "Look, Daddy, that's me!"I remember the timeYou left your training wheels behindWe got you a Strawberry Shortcake bike that you saw on TVI've been here for every milestone metBut there's one thing we haven't been through yetDon't let him break your heartKeep it all to yourselfI can't be there to keep you from his armsBut don't let him break your heartWe got those braces offAnd you sure hate your retainerI swear you take it off after I leaveAnd I know he'll be thereWaitin' in Miss Walker's classroomWhile I'm at work, you're learning how exciting life can beI've been here for every milestone metBut there's one thing we haven't been through yetDon't let him break your heartKeep it all to yourselfI can't be there to keep you from his armsBut don't let him break your heartBaby, you're only sixteenYou've still got a lifetime to learn what love means

[ontariolightning]

Telling a girl to, don't let him break your heart would mean to tell her to never love at allIt's a confusing message you're sending your daughter I believe, when you say keep it all to yourself you're telling her love isn't real, can't avoid heartbreak, it's eventually going to hit herI don't think it's a put er back in the file and never write again, I think you need to find a new angle to write around the hook

[lqrose]

Hey Momof4,There is something about these lyrics that is staying with me. It seems to come straight from the heart. Of course every heart will be broken.....but a Mother's first instinct is to protect....and there has to be "degrees" of broken heartedness....a kind that teaches and a kind that destroys.... oh, I'm thinking out loud!!???Mind if I play around with it? Lqrose

[momof4]

LQ - go for it! I'm stuck. I wrote this from a Dad's perspective (although I'm a mommy), mostly because my husband is my demo singer. I'm flexible...erin

[liamkelly]

Momo4I know nothing about the genre and personally really struggle with lyrics. I'd never post a first draft of my own lyrics so I respect you posting this.When I listen to songs or read lyrics on this Forum (or anywhere else in fact) I'm really of the like-it or don't-like-it school.Sure I can pick at rhyming schemes, consistency of theme, meter, context and all those buzzwords if I put my mind to it. But I'm really only interested in seeing if I like stuff. Forgive my simplicity. And I really liked this lyric. To my non-country ear it reminded me thematically of Butterfly Kisses and as the poster above said.... all parents of 16 year olds are trying to protect them. And I think this lyric speaks to parents who are trying to hold on and at the same time let go. They sort of become the undecided/unsure children they're protecting.Good job.And good job for posting.Liam

[momof4]

Thanks, Liam! If nothing else, at least you got the message of the song! Now, I just need to find the best medium for that message...Erin

[linziellen]

Hi Erin,It's a good idea, I think the verses are strong enough. I'm trying to think of another way you could write the chorus, although it seems well written it might not be clear enough?! Do you have a clear idea of the music? Makes it hard when you have to tamper with a lyric after the music appears (in my experience).What if you say something like A broken heart is hard to healNothing like those training wheels (not a patch on training wheels)?!I can't keep you from falling in love But just don't let him break your heartNot sure Erin, that might mess up your rhyme scheme. Hope you don't mind. It's definitely not "blah" lol, keep at it Linzi

[cameron]

Erin,I like the story. Do you write music too? I've never had much luck putting music to lyrics (I tend to do it the other way around) but I think this has potential.I found a couple of lines awkward (i.e. "And you sure hate your retainer") as phrases to sing but I realize that this is still a work in progress. I'm not sure that particular verse works at all, but that's the only part of the song that bothers me.In fact, I had an idea for a melody going through my head for it and then they started playing "Cast your Fate to the Wind" on the Weather Channel and blew my concentration all to hell.Cameron

[momof4]

cameron - hilarious! thanks for your help! i do write music, too, but it's not the easiest thing i do, for sure. some melodies i've written are really pretty, but others, bland and predictable. i kind of have a bland and predictable melody to this in my head, so i'm open if anyone has some ideas! erin

[bigdaddy123]

Hey erin, Like the title alot. This is a topic that has been used before so it can definately work commercially. I think you should try writing around the title from a mothers POV using your own experience ( as someone else mentioned, the father's POV seems a bit awkward) Most of the lyrics don't flow very well because the words have no phonic connection to each other. The lines just won't sing well,if you know what I mean. It might be helpful to try to write the song as a lyrical melody which means writing the words and melody concurrently ( a great time saver as well ). I would start by taking those last two lines ( which are brilliant, by the way ) '' Baby , you're only sixteen , you've still got a lifetime to learn what love means '' and make that into your pre-chorus . Now, find a great melody to that one line that really sticks like glue . Don't rush it . It will come. This will open a door to the chorus melody. I would also expand the chorus to 8 lines if its going to be a mid to uptempo and use the title in it which is what you've done on the first and last lines . I would really flesh out the chorus section with some more memorable lyrics . This might take some time ,so don't rush it. It will come. Having fun yet ? Once that's all done , you can probably start concentrating on re-writing the verses which are horrid ( sorry , I'm being brutally honest here ) Remember , always go back to your title for lyrical inspiration. Try saying things that would be normal conversation and keep them somewhat simple. This will make it easy for the listener to connect to the song. Finally, you're ready to write the music , figure the appropriate key, arrangement , chord structures , etc... WHEW ! It's hard work writing a hit song ain't it? It takes time and a lot of brainwork. Anyway, hope this all helps. LOL and Godbless Remember , you can do it !