Editing of this verbose lyric needed!

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MAsh
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Editing of this verbose lyric needed!

Post by MAsh » Mon Apr 11, 2022 5:09 am

Hi.

I want to chop this iNDIE/aLT ROCK TRACK down to manageable size to make a shorter radio friendly version. Which bits should go? Prob needs to be 3 or 4 verses long. Would appreciate your thoughts :)



YOU GOTTA SEE ME NOW (CLEANED UP RADIO FRIENDLY VERSION)

1. I’m back, in slacks, I’m blister packed, I got a chainsaw in my hand
A walk-in heart attack, it’s beatin’ outta whack, like the hammers on a baby grand
In kecks-mauve, dressed as Michael Gove, I was happy as the day was long
I got cloned, disowned, an’ overthrown, though I never did nobody wrong

2. I’m hot wired and my hair’s on fire, bin on the lash with your Auntie Beryl
I chew electric eels, I’m spinning Catherine wheels, so I’d ignore me at your peril
A big grin, (I’m) gonna pogo in, I got a stick made in Argentina
I’m fried, inside, flung open wide, like the doors of a Ford Cortina

3. I grind gears and I mainline beers, I chew the fat with an alcoholic
And then the bar-room spins, I’m hearing mandolins, drawn like a moth to the melancholic
The Dali clock face cracks, the numbers melt like wax and my troubles lie in disarray
And with a mow-mow double-jointed verbal soup, she’s gonna blues those blows away

CHORUS: YOU GOTTA SEE ME NOW… (Pay attention! Don’t ignore me! Etc )
YOU’D NEVER LEAVE ME NOW… (I need followers! Hit the bell notification!)
I SWEAR YOU’D WANNA BE ME NOW… (Over here! I’m not invisible! Etc Etc)

4. My brain hurts like Colonel Kurtz, I swan around like a pound shop Jesus
I’m on tenterhooks, knee deep in medical books, to Wiki up on some new diseases
I wore my yellow dress, to join the SAS, in an crazed bid for your attention
I bang gongs, right wrongs, and then I knock out songs, that go beyond human comprehension

5. OK...on your knees n pray, got a tenner says you don’t know how
We’ll meet God half way on judgment day, to plough along that furrowed brow
You got a double bed, I got a troubled head, you’d forget em if they ain’t been used
I got crazed, deranged, I raved for days ’til they medicated up my food

CHORUS/GUITAR SOLO

6. Yeah...I can’t sleep now I’m in too deep, I got a mattress that’s mostly wire
The night sweats, the looped regrets, feedin’ a mind like an amplifier
So now I’m necking pills, just like a hammer drill (note to lawyer – PUT DISCLAIMER HERE!)
I get wrecked and decked, by the side effects, keep falling over like a fallow deer

7. I make up stats, I saturate fats, I baked a cake in the shape of sorrow
I got double-crossed by those verbal knots, like ‘yesterday was today’s tomorrow’
I took my mojo back, I got my shoe-heels stacked, turned the gee-tar to way past ten…
And then I wowed the crowd,
Oh Christ my shirt was loud,
Then I woke up and I was born-again! Yeah!

CHORUS x 2 and FADE

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AlanHall
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Re: Editing of this verbose lyric needed!

Post by AlanHall » Tue Jul 26, 2022 12:03 pm

Hey MAsh, you still here? I hope so, you've got some potential! The overall vibe from the lyric has a high-energy intensity that reflects the indie/alt rock feel. ;)
MAsh wrote:
Mon Apr 11, 2022 5:09 am
tenterhooks
[aside]I am happy to see that words spelled correctly. Congrats![/aside]

As a general observation - in my opinion and mine only - I'd start by removing every reference to a specific person, place, or other unique thing ("kecks-mauve" comes to mind. Some color I've never heard of?). This mostly for usage in sync licensing, but my aversion is that a string of name-dropping is just that.

That said, I think vv 3, 5, and 6 are the strongest and most likely to connect to the listener.

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funsongs
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Re: Editing of this verbose lyric needed!

Post by funsongs » Tue Jul 26, 2022 12:22 pm

Having a time-length in mind, for editing it down for RADIO PLAY would be helpful...
say, not more than 3-1/2 minutes?
What's your goal in that regard?
Peter Rahill - aka "funsongs"
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Casey H
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Re: Editing of this verbose lyric needed!

Post by Casey H » Wed Jul 27, 2022 4:21 am

Can you post your song so we can hear the music? Do you have some reference artists in mind?

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mikemichnya
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Re: Editing of this verbose lyric needed!

Post by mikemichnya » Mon Aug 08, 2022 6:23 pm

Well, since I've been known to write some very long songs with even more verses than this, I'm perhaps not the best person to offer any advice on what to cut out, but usually, less is more. Here's my two cents, for what it's worth...

You've got rhyming couplets throughout, and there's a ton of great imagery, but if there's a storyline, it's hard to find. So, I'd say decide how short you want it to be (ala funsongs "say, not more than 3 1/2 minutes?"), highlight the 12 or maybe 16 lines that are your absolute favorites and reorganize them into verses so that you've got V-V-C-V-C-Solo-C-C or (if you've got 16 lines that you really love) V-V-C-V-V-C-Solo-C-C. (You could also consider putting those extra four lines into bridge after the solo.)

My favorite couplets are (and just one way to do what I'm suggesting):

I’m back, in slacks, I’m blister packed, I got a chainsaw in my hand
A walk-in heart attack, it’s beatin’ outta whack, like the hammers on a baby grand
I grind gears and I mainline beers, I chew the fat with an alcoholic
And then the bar-room spins, I’m hearing mandolins, drawn like a moth to the melancholic

The Dali clock face cracks, the numbers melt like wax and my troubles lie in disarray
And with a mow-mow double-jointed verbal soup, she’s gonna blues those blows away
I wore my yellow dress, to join the SAS, in an crazed bid for your attention
I bang gongs, right wrongs, and then I knock out songs, that go beyond human comprehension

YOU GOTTA SEE ME NOW… (Pay attention! Don’t ignore me! Etc )
YOU’D NEVER LEAVE ME NOW… (I need followers! Hit the bell notification!)
I SWEAR YOU’D WANNA BE ME NOW… (Over here! I’m not invisible! Etc Etc)

Yeah...I can’t sleep now I’m in too deep, I got a mattress that’s mostly wire
The night sweats, the looped regrets, feedin’ a mind like an amplifier
I took my mojo back, I got my shoe-heels stacked, turned the gee-tar to way past ten…
And then I wowed the crowd, Oh Christ my shirt was loud, then I woke up and I was born-again! Yeah!

Chorus - Solo - Chorus - Chorus

I gotta say, I'm not sure what the 'etc' stands for in the chorus... I'm guessing that's a call/response exchange and the response is repeated, but IDK for sure, which is why I second Casey's request for a post so that we can hear the song.

Can't wait to hear what it sounds like, whatever you decide to do with it.
Best regards,

Michael (Amoriello) Michnya

Like Robbie Robertson sang, "take what you need and leave the rest."

https://soundcloud.com/mamichnya-1
https://www.taxi.com/members/mikeamoriello

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