feedback please

[melodymessiah]

wonder what you think of these lyrics:


tower crane


(v01)
if my roof should start to crumble
and fall down on me
i know you will hold me safe in your arms
always within reach

heaven is a higher place on earth with you
you turn grey skies blue

(ch)
you lift me up
when walls start crumbling down
so i can see the sky above
i'll climb all rubble
doesn't matter if i stumble
i know you'll catch me just in time
like a tower crane

(v02)
i stand taller on your shoulders
placed on solid ground
makes me strong when i fall weak on the floor
builds me up again

sturdy as a ton of brick you're there for me
let's me breathe with ease

ch

(bridge)
no crumbling walls can break me down
you make me shockproof heaven bound
our foundation's standing cut in stone
you'll always keep me on my feet
with heart of gold and arms of steel
not even earth quakes' gonna shatter me

ch x2

[Casey H]

Hey Melody
I don't think the phrase "tower crane" is commonly used enough for people to relate to. Might be a stretch, a bit forced and clunky. And cranes don't catch falling bricks anyway.

I also see you used the word "crumbling" in verse, chorus, and bridge. I would recommend being more unique in the sections. Watch for clichés like "turn grey skies blue".

Try to be more conversational and natural. "Shockproof heaven bound", for example. Not very natural. Sometimes it's easy to "try to hard" and not just say it as you would to the person next to you.

Best,
Casey

[melodymessiah]

ok thanks casey, maybe i'll have to do some more sweating and swearing over this one

[Len911]

https://youtu.be/vxsAzN1_2co

https://www.google.com/search?q=crane+t ... 24&bih=541

https://www.google.com/search?q=crane+t ... r+new+york

Maybe change the metaphor a little, like you were suppose to be this big macho crane to hold me up, but instead you tipped over and we crashed to the ground?? Or a false sense of security?

[Len911]

And cranes don't catch falling bricks anyway.

they create them

https://youtu.be/vxsAzN1_2co?t=1m27s