First time posting lyrics, would love some feedback

[dwade277]

First time posting lyrics, would love some constructive feed back. I've gone through about 10 or 11 rewrites. The song is called 'I'm in love'

When I go swimin' through your deep blue eyes
my face turns red I get them butterfly's
I'm gonna' shout it all around the world
I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love

Can't stop thinkin' bout your sneaky tricks
Out on the dance floor shakin' our hips
You grabbed my face and then you planted a kiss
I'm in love, I'm in love, love love love
I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love

Got me burnin' like a forest fire
Bloom for me like a wild flower
Shake and shimmy dance with me
I'm in love,

You keep keep shootin' all your arrows at me
You know I'm dyin' when you pull your skirt above your knee
I know you know by your wink and smile
I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love

You place my hand around you lower back
I think I, may just of had a heart attack
You've got my tongue hangin' on the ground
I'm in love, I'm in love, love love love
I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love

Got me burnin' like a forest fire
Bloom for me like a wild flower
Shake and shimmy dance with me
I'm in love,

I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love
I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love
I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love

I'm in a trance, I'm under your spell
My heart is singin' with love like ringin' church bells
I'm gonna' shout it all around the world

I'm in love, I'm in love, love love love
I'm in love, love, love love love
I'm in love, I'm in love, love love love
I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love

[simonsays]

First time posting lyrics, would love some constructive feed back. I've gone through about 10 or 11 rewrites. The song is called 'I'm in love'

When I go swimin' through your deep blue eyes
my face turns red I get them butterfly's
I'm gonna' shout it all around the world
I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love

Can't stop thinkin' bout your sneaky tricks
Out on the dance floor shakin' our hips
You grabbed my face and then you planted a kiss
I'm in love, I'm in love, love love love
I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love

Got me burnin' like a forest fire
Bloom for me like a wild flower
Shake and shimmy dance with me
I'm in love,

You keep keep shootin' all your arrows at me
You know I'm dyin' when you pull your skirt above your knee
I know you know by your wink and smile
I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love

You place my hand around you lower back
I think I, may just of had a heart attack
You've got my tongue hangin' on the ground
I'm in love, I'm in love, love love love
I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love

Got me burnin' like a forest fire
Bloom for me like a wild flower
Shake and shimmy dance with me
I'm in love,

I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love
I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love
I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love

I'm in a trance, I'm under your spell
My heart is singin' with love like ringin' church bells
I'm gonna' shout it all around the world

I'm in love, I'm in love, love love love
I'm in love, love, love love love
I'm in love, I'm in love, love love love
I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love

Hi Damon,

Only a couple of negatives here for me. (and they're mostly nit picks)
First, the swimin'-deep blue eyes connection is a bit cliche for me. I've seen it used (and used it ) before.

You have a lot of vivid imagery here, which I think is a definite plus.
You do use a lot of repetition in this, but I tend to see that as a good thing. Especially since it's your title your repeating most often.(40 times by my count, not including 7 seperate 'loves'.) If that title isn't hammered home by the end of this song ... then I don't know what more you could do. I was a little concerned with that much repetition, until I heard you jammin' on your guitar. With your singer/songwriter style, I think it's a fit!

Got me burnin' like a forest fire
Bloom for me (like a) wild flower

The (like a) in the second line above, was the only place where your repetition didn't sound right to me. I kept replacing it with 'my little' in my head. (but that's just one person's ear, with me nitpicking)

I know you know by your wink and smile

I like the "I know you know" repetition above ... but think you might try even more there.

I know you know by your wink and (by your) smile

Damon, please post this again when you set it to music. I'd love to hear it!

Steve (aka, simonsays)

[dwade277]

First time posting lyrics, would love some constructive feed back. I've gone through about 10 or 11 rewrites. The song is called 'I'm in love'

When I go swimin' through your deep blue eyes
my face turns red I get them butterfly's
I'm gonna' shout it all around the world
I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love

Can't stop thinkin' bout your sneaky tricks
Out on the dance floor shakin' our hips
You grabbed my face and then you planted a kiss
I'm in love, I'm in love, love love love
I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love

Got me burnin' like a forest fire
Bloom for me like a wild flower
Shake and shimmy dance with me
I'm in love,

You keep keep shootin' all your arrows at me
You know I'm dyin' when you pull your skirt above your knee
I know you know by your wink and smile
I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love

You place my hand around you lower back
I think I, may just of had a heart attack
You've got my tongue hangin' on the ground
I'm in love, I'm in love, love love love
I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love

Got me burnin' like a forest fire
Bloom for me like a wild flower
Shake and shimmy dance with me
I'm in love,

I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love
I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love
I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love

I'm in a trance, I'm under your spell
My heart is singin' with love like ringin' church bells
I'm gonna' shout it all around the world

I'm in love, I'm in love, love love love
I'm in love, love, love love love
I'm in love, I'm in love, love love love
I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love

Hi Damon,

Only a couple of negatives here for me. (and they're mostly nit picks)
First, the swimin'-deep blue eyes connection is a bit cliche for me. I've seen it used (and used it ) before.

You have a lot of vivid imagery here, which I think is a definite plus.
You do use a lot of repetition in this, but I tend to see that as a good thing. Especially since it's your title your repeating most often.(40 times by my count, not including 7 seperate 'loves'.) If that title isn't hammered home by the end of this song ... then I don't know what more you could do. I was a little concerned with that much repetition, until I heard you jammin' on your guitar. With your singer/songwriter style, I think it's a fit!

Got me burnin' like a forest fire
Bloom for me (like a) wild flower

The (like a) in the second line above, was the only place where your repetition didn't sound right to me. I kept replacing it with 'my little' in my head. (but that's just one person's ear, with me nitpicking)

I know you know by your wink and smile

I like the "I know you know" repetition above ... but think you might try even more there.

I know you know by your wink and (by your) smile

Damon, please post this again when you set it to music. I'd love to hear it!

Steve (aka, simonsays)

Hi Steve, great feedback!!! Thank you!

When I go swimin' through your deep blue eyes You are right, this line is way to cliche. I have been to lazy to rewrite it.

There is a lot of repetition. I think it will add to the song. It's a fast fingerpickin' blues tune at 152 on the metronome. The song is over at 2.40 min. Good observation.

Got me burnin' like a forest fire
Bloom for me (like a) wild flower

The (like a) in the second line above, was the only place where your repetition didn't sound right to me. I kept replacing it with 'my little' in my head. (but that's just one person's ear, with me nitpicking)
I hear you. I have never been happy with the flow of these lines. I will rewrite!

I know you know by your wink and smile

I like the "I know you know" repetition above ... but think you might try even more there.

I know you know by your wink and (by your) smile

The phrasing wont work with your suggestion but its a good point. I will try to rewrite.

Wow, my first critique. I'm excited! I know my song will be stronger because of your help. Thanks again for your thoughts and time Steve. I will get you a link of the song when its done.

Damon