General thoughts [You and I

[vincent]

re-writing

[songmaster]

Hi Vincent Welcome to Taxi, you've come to the forum where few dare to go. If you are new at songwriting , then you are off to an amazing start. You have a great voice and this is soulful song that I think would work great in TV and film.

The only slight change that I might make, is in the first verse ( last line ). I might say...

" sitting by the fire where your memory's burning bright " because saying embers and fire might be a bit redundant.

I'm sure you will probably get some more astute writers that will look a little closer at your song. There is no shortage of generous people on Taxi to help you along the way.

Once again , great tune.

Tom

[vincent]

Hi Vincent Welcome to Taxi, you've come to the forum where few dare to go. If you are new at songwriting , then you are off to an amazing start. You have a great voice and this is soulful song that I think would work great in TV and film.

The only slight change that I might make, is in the first verse ( last line ). I might say...

" sitting by the fire where your memory's burning bright " because saying embers and fire might be a bit redundant.

I'm sure you will probably get some more astute writers that will look a little closer at your song. There is no shortage of generous people on Taxi to help you along the way.

Once again , great tune.

Tom

thank you Tom for the welcome, and the hints, something I never thought of. I take credit for the melody and the lyric, and I do sing and play but.. a friend sings this. If I can get the edges off that first verse I`m looking around for a woman to sing this for me, maybe sing it a little "dirty..[hope thats the right word] and maybe power into that chorus...lol god I`m such a rookie...lol If I keep working it might turn out ok.

most the songs I do, there is not many.. come from free verse, little stories in life I write down from conversation with others. just the other night a conversation with a friend about his sister, in the talk He said, "Love treats Her like that" that stuck like mud! someday I`ll go back and add more to that. thanks again Tom, next time you hear the song it might be a girl doing it, I`d a least like to try that.

[Casey H]

Hi Vincent
Just passing through briefly and didn't get to play the song. But one thing that jumped out at me right away was the line, "I don't often think about you". That's definitely not something you want to say to a woman (Ralph Murphy's voice in my head)... You want to say how you DO think of her. And the line seems to conflict with the message of the rest of the song.

I'll try to come back with more.

Best,
Casey

[vincent]

Hi Casey, I`m re-writing

[Casey H]

Hi Vincent
Very pretty song. It has a 70's/80's feel to me, a la Dan Fogelberg or maybe Don McLean.

I think the title would be better as "Didn't We".

Another lyric comment... You have the bridge as:

there are times when I think of You
and the times We made it through..

You already mentioned in V1 that you think of her or are thinking of her. So this is redundant. It would be better to bring something into the storyline here that hasn't already been said. Bridges are great places for that.

Most important... What is your goal for the song? Honing your craft in general? Looking to pitch for an artist? Film/TV? Knowing what your target is will help us give you better directed feedback.

Best,
Casey