Gone

bobbydazzler · Post by **bobbydazzler** » Mon Jul 30, 2007 8:56 pm

Hi All,Please can you have a listen and offer your thoughts on this song please? It's called "Gone."You can listen to it at www.broadjam.com/danhaeslerI am only interested in feedback RE: the song... production, mixing etc can be addressed later...ThanksDanLyrics (apologies in advance for the bad language!) The morning comes to wake me up to the fact that you're goneThe wind and rain drown out the sound of your smile in my mindI know that times the greatest healerBut this is gonna f****** take foreverI don't believe in anything or anyoneNot since you're goneI've said goodbye a thousand times but never once to your faceI'm told that one day I will wake and not feel like i do todayI know that times the greatest healerBut this is gonna f****** take foreverI don't believe in anything or anyoneNot since you're goneAll I want is just one more day.....

rick · Post by **rick** » Tue Jul 31, 2007 3:55 am

OK-THE FIRST PART OF YOUR MELODY IS VERY CATCHY AND ALSO WHEN YOU CHANGE IT UP ON THE TIMES THE GREATEST HEALER.THE NEXT MELODY WHEN YOU GET INTO THE TITLE AND HOOK OF THE SONG IT JUST DOESN'T GRAB ME.REMEMBER THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART .THIS IS WHAT THE LISTENER WILL WALK AWAY SINGING.I REALLY LIKED THE BRIDGE MELODY.IN FACT I THOUGHT IT WAS SO DISTINCTIVE THAT MAYBE YOU MIGHT CONSIDER THAT AS YOUR CHORUS MELODY.JUST A THOUGHT.LYRICALLY-DUDE YOU GOTTA LOSE THE F WORD!NOT ONLY DOES IT SOUND BAD BUT SYLLABLE WISE IT THROWS OFF THE SYMMETRY OF THE LYRIC.ALSO YOU MIGHT WANT TO SAY DROWN OUT THE SOUND OF YOUR LAUGHTER AS NO ONE CAN HEAR ANYONE SMILE.(COMMON MISTAKE)GOOD JOB HOPE I WASN'T TO LONG WINDED.

gitarrero · Post by **gitarrero** » Tue Jul 31, 2007 4:56 am

..off topic, @rick: can you please not SCREAM in your writing?thanks

rick · Post by **rick** » Tue Jul 31, 2007 8:16 am

What is off topic?

bobbydazzler · Post by **bobbydazzler** » Wed Aug 01, 2007 12:19 pm

@ RickThanks for your feedback mate... The f word won't make it onto any final recordings that go out to film/tv etc (obviousley) but in terms of honesty and integrity (this song is written from the worst experience of my life and thats how I felt)Quote:ALSO YOU MIGHT WANT TO SAY DROWN OUT THE SOUND OF YOUR LAUGHTER AS NO ONE CAN HEAR ANYONE SMILE.(COMMON MISTAKE)I think here I'm referring more to the sounds you associate with happiness... ie laughter without saying laughter etc... and lyrics don't also have to be literal IMO. But then again I have no gold records on my wall... Does anyone else have any feedback?ThanksDan

bobbydazzler · Post by **bobbydazzler** » Tue Aug 21, 2007 12:33 pm

bump

johnhampt · Post by **johnhampt** » Wed Aug 22, 2007 7:06 pm

I thought it was fair. It didn't particularly grab me. You have a decent voice and it fit the song well. And yes, the F bomb makes it hard to be taken seriously. If you are writing music for yourself then it really doesn't matter but since you want to sell it.... well, I don't have to tell you. You already addressed it above. I can tell the song was heartfelt.

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