He, She, or They

[SteveBaruah]

I understand what your saying, but that's a little trick I picked up from Robin Frederick. Making the song about 'you' (the listener) pulls them in.
Listeners want to hear about themselves, not what 'I' am going through.
I'm not telling the listener what to do, just describing a situation they may have been through as a personal experience.

[funsongs]

Are you gonna post up even a rough track/DEMO of how your message will sound in song?
Now YOU got my curiosity up.

[SteveBaruah]

Haha sure.
It's on my Taxi page as 'The Best You Can Be' (working title).
http://www.taximusic.com/hosting/home.php?userid=61999

I still need to build it out, add a bridge etc. remove that hiss on the guitar.
It's just instrumental at the moment, no vocal melody on it.

[Len911]

I understand what your saying, but that's a little trick I picked up from Robin Frederick. Making the song about 'you' (the listener) pulls them in.
Listeners want to hear about themselves, not what 'I' am going through.
I'm not telling the listener what to do, just describing a situation they may have been through as a personal experience.

I agree, the listener wants something they can relate to either empathetically or sympathetically, and not necessarily about how the narrator feels about what they are going through, they would assume the narrator feels as they do without a lot of unnecessary explanation.

[funsongs]

Haha sure.
It's on my Taxi page as 'The Best You Can Be' (working title).
http://www.taximusic.com/hosting/home.php?userid=61999

I still need to build it out, add a bridge etc. remove that hiss on the guitar.
It's just instrumental at the moment, no vocal melody on it.

Old-Guy ears, listening to the track: first-impression of what it's making me 'feel' - (feedback, to take it or leave it):
Intro - has some tension in it; making me feel a bit 'anxious' - "what's next? what's coming?"
Into the music - it's making me feel like I'm about to watch something of sport or adventure; a documentary of something exciting, perhaps.

SO - trying to imagine a vocal & prosody that blends personal relationship emotions TO THAT... really has my curiosity piqued.
Maybe you've got two different songs at work here?
Will those elements blend well into one song?

You certainly could glean a tension-ish kind of instrumental cue out of where it begins, IMHO.

[SteveBaruah]

Thanks for the feedback!

If you listen to Imagine Dragons - Thunder you'll get the idea of where its going.

[Casey H]

Hi
Can you post the entire lyric? It would be easier to make suggestions that way.

Best
Casey

[cosmicdolphin]

You could change it to be mutually inclusive and gender nuetral

Stars collide,
Our souls decide,
And we know there's nothing we can do,
Your smile tells me it true,

[SteveBaruah]

Hi
Can you post the entire lyric? It would be easier to make suggestions that way.
Casey

I haven't written the verses yet but the idea is:

V1: She doesn't even know who you are
Chorus: She smiled at you!
V2: You're going to do this to get her..
Chorus: She smiled at you!
Bridge: She makes you feel...
Chorus: She smiled at you!

[SteveBaruah]

You could change it to be mutually inclusive and gender nuetral

Stars collide,
Our souls decide,
And we know there's nothing we can do,
Your smile tells me it true,

This is good! But I don't want to make it about 'us'. I want that tension-release between verse and chorus.
To do this I want the listener to think they don't have a chance with this person in the verse, but I don't want the singer to say 'YOU don't have a chance with ME'. You see?
I want the verse to be conversational about how the listener thinks he/she doesn't stand a chance, until the chorus - BAMM! She smiled at you!!