Heartfelt Singer-Songwriter Tune

[PeteW]

These lyrics were written yesterday for the current listing here:
https://www.taxi.com/industry#listing-S231112AC

Curious if the style/structure of lyric writing lines up with contemporary singer/songwriter,
and am open to any feedback esp. regarding any lyrics that seem dated,
since I'm learning to write for modern briefs.

Verse1
The day is long done
Watch the setting sun
Melting softly on the waves

Chorus1
I know you’ll be here with me
You showed me how much fun
Together’s gonna be

I don’t know where I’m goin’
But I belong to you
And that’s all I need to know
It’s all I know

Verse2
I feel a little less young
Our naïve days are gone
But the world outside can wait

Chorus2
We’re not goin’ back to youth
The world we dreamed
Takes wide eyes to perceive
I foresee
A good life, with you here

Because you showed me
A thousand times before
You’ll be by my side
Whoa hooa, by my side

Bridge/Outro
When I barely knew you
How could I ever have thought of
All the love you’ve given
Weightless romance took wing
It’s you who flew to me

So come on
Let’s go away
Somewhere
Somewhere where we
Can be together
To play forever
Birds of a feather
Somewhere we feel free

[Casey H]

Hey Pete
I don't think you're in the ballpark at all here. I don't even know what the title of the song is. You need to have a chorus or something that brings the focus back to the title/hook line. Listen to "And If I Die" and "Summer Of Love" and read the lyrics. Also your lyrics wander a bit, not saying centered around the one main thing you are trying to say. It comes back to that focus on the title/hook. Write everything so that it supports that.

HTH
Casey

[AlanHall]

Hey, Pete! Not an expert on modern singer-songwriter here, but I'm fascinated by the structure of your lyric. I like verse1, chorus, verse2, but then it starts to ramble (as Casey mentioned). If I may offer some observations?
I like the rhyme scheme in the verses, took me a minute to 'get it'

done/sun/waves
young/gone/wait

So they're parallel, and have a "down, down, up" kind of flow. I'd wager you already have a melody in mind here.
The first three lines of chorus1 I read as a 'pre-chorus', and you've set them apart from the remaining lines to show that. that leaves the lines

I don’t know where I’m goin’
But I belong to you
And that’s all I need to know
It’s all I know

as a chorus. It works for me as a central theme (title material) and strong enough to bear repeating.
In the rest of the song, I get the lines

So come on
Let’s go away
Somewhere
Somewhere where we
Can be together
To play forever
Birds of a feather
Somewhere we feel free

as potential bridge material. If it were my song to arrange, I might try the following structure:

verse1
prechorus
chorus
verse2
prechorus
bridge
chorus
chorus

I'm not sure how common omitting the chorus after v2 is - in contemporary songwriting - but the message of the song seems to flow consistently to my mind's ear. Caveat: this is purely a structure and prosody analysis, I can make no comments on style or contemporary language. Good luck!

[Casey H]

I hear a rumor that there will be a really good class on songwriting structure at the rally.

[cosmicdolphin]

I hear a rumor that there will be a really good class on songwriting structure at the rally.

Not true. Some random dude is giving it.

[Casey H]

I hear a rumor that there will be a really good class on songwriting structure at the rally.

Not true. Some random dude is giving it.

[PeteW]

I hear a rumor that there will be a really good class on songwriting structure at the rally.

Noted!

[PeteW]

Not true. Some random dude is giving it.
[/quote]

[PeteW]

Hey Pete
I don't think you're in the ballpark at all here. I don't even know what the title of the song is. You need to have a chorus or something that brings the focus back to the title/hook line. Listen to "And If I Die" and "Summer Of Love" and read the lyrics. Also your lyrics wander a bit, not saying centered around the one main thing you are trying to say. It comes back to that focus on the title/hook. Write everything so that it supports that.

Thank you - Yeah the structure is a lot different from those tunes, which I consider to have a more "modern" sound than
"Something About You" reference, which I was leaning a bit more into. The melody I had in mind for this isn't in line
with the refs as well as it could be either. Def will be looking to tighten up the lyrical message too.

I guess now I have to decide what it is I'm really trying to say here.. a great lesson to apply, since I often just
let lyrics fill themselves in once I sing an initial melody of gibberish vocal rhythms - I'm used to taking a more
intuitive approach with lyric writing. That approach helps for a first pass, so now I can dig deeper and refine/restructure.

[PeteW]

Hey, Pete! Not an expert on modern singer-songwriter here, but I'm fascinated by the structure of your lyric. I like verse1, chorus, verse2, but then it starts to ramble (as Casey mentioned). If I may offer some observations?
I like the rhyme scheme in the verses, took me a minute to 'get it'

done/sun/waves
young/gone/wait

So they're parallel, and have a "down, down, up" kind of flow. I'd wager you already have a melody in mind here.
The first three lines of chorus1 I read as a 'pre-chorus', and you've set them apart from the remaining lines to show that. that leaves the lines

as a chorus. It works for me as a central theme (title material) and strong enough to bear repeating.
In the rest of the song, I get the lines

as potential bridge material. If it were my song to arrange, I might try the following structure:

verse1
prechorus
chorus
verse2
prechorus
bridge
chorus
chorus

I'm not sure how common omitting the chorus after v2 is - in contemporary songwriting - but the message of the song seems to flow consistently to my mind's ear. Caveat: this is purely a structure and prosody analysis, I can make no comments on style or contemporary language. Good luck!

Super helpful, Alan, thank you. I'll try out the sound/feel of a structure like the one you suggested, will be interested to test out the differences.
Regarding my rhyme scheme, I suppose it's a bit feral because I'm just taking inspiration from an initial vocal scat runthrough I did with the
song, and finding lyrics that basically fit those rhythms and melody. It's really cool to see your analysis of the rhyme scheme pattern though..
helps illuminate some of my approach I'm not always aware of from that bird's eye perspective.

I'm glad the song's message has some consistency to you, I'm sure I can tighten it up a bit, and the bridge/outro piece where I feel the
message and rhyme scheme really depart is getting omitted from our final arrangement anyway, so I think that will help focus things.