I'm Hurt: CLOSED (no more critiques please)

[DorothyWallace]

I made some changes to this song after posting it in Peer to Peer and 2 custom critiques. I'm not sure if there's anything else I can do. I know a lot depends on the production, which I feel optimistic about since I know the vocalist is very good. I'm just not sure if I'm missing anything. Thanks for your input.

Dorothy
http://www.taxi.com/dorothywallace

I'm Hurt

I can’t believe what just happened to me
It hit me in the gut
dropped me down to me knees
My eyes are open but all I see is darkness

My body’s broken and I’m cold on the floor
I can’t stop shaking I can’t speak anymore
I’m crawling around trying to find out where my heart is

and I feel like I've been used
I can't see my life without you

(chorus)
I’m hurt
I'm in pain
hear your words again and again
I feel lost and there's no one here to blame

I'm hurt
I'm in tears
to learn I’ve been wasting all these years with you
I wish I could disappear
I'm hurt

Time stands still in a moment like this
Was there a sign? Was there something I missed?
I don’t know why I feel like I'm frozen

everything is caving in at once
I thought we were forever now all of the sudden we’re done.
I want to run away, but I don't know where I'm going

and I feel I’ve loved in vain
and I need to breathe again

(chorus)
I’m hurt
I'm in pain
hear your words again and again
I feel lost and there's no one here to blame

I'm hurt
I'm in tears
to learn I’ve been wasting all these years with you
I wish I could disappear
I'm hurt

BRIDGE:
And I’m afraid I’ll never feel
Something that’s pure
Something that’s real
And I’m afraid these wounds will never heal

(chorus)
I’m hurt
I'm in pain
hear your words again and again
I feel lost and there's no one here to blame

I'm hurt
I'm in tears
to learn I’ve been wasting all these years with you
I wish I could disappear
I'm hurt

[wta]

Dorthy, I like the concept to this tune and I'm a big fan of singer/songwriter/folk! My input for what its worth...

- The guitar is out of tune in several chords
- I dig the vocals for sure but a touch pitchy
- kick drum feels out of place in this song
- Keyboard feels out of place in this mix as well

I like the lyric and the vocal feel and think this could be a cool tune, demo quality at present but could be a great tune if produced broadcast quality.

HTH,

wta

[glender]

I'd say you knocked that one out of the ball park! Lyrics are great, story line makes sense, Lot's of passion, nice melody. Oh yeah!

I could hear Melissa Etheridge singing that song and not changing a thing.

You have a reason to be happy, this one really works! I want to hear the studio cut ASAP

[slowdance]

Dorthy,

I agree with glender........studio cut should make this pretty good....chorus starts like it's going to lift the song but kinda fades back to the same sound as the verses...that's how I am hearing it.....potential is there......not a lyric person will leave that to others...keep up the writing.....

Regards,
Dick

[DorothyWallace]

Thanks everyone! That helps a lot.

Dorothy

[DesireeBowen]

The melody and harmonies on the line "I feel lost and there's no one here to blame " are really unexpected- I like em!!

I think the singer does a good job of getting the emotion across.

My only worry is that I'm not sure there is much of a market for Melissa Etheridge type voices these days- but, on the other hand, there is a girl on A.I. that has a similar voice that is getting GREAT feedback, so that voice style looks like it may be coming back!

[t4mh]

I agree with all the above comments but would add that nothing really "sparkles" to my ears.

Good Luck!
Keith

[DorothyWallace]

Thanks everyone. I'm going for a Leona Lewis "Bleeding Love" sound in the studio with piano as the base instrument. That should give it a more contemporary sound. I play guitar and sing with more of a rock style so all my songs probably sound like Melissa Etheridge in the rough demo stage. LOL.

Dorothy

[Mellow D]

Hi Dorothy,

I think this has an interesting melody and conveys strong emotion, In my opinion this would sound great with a really sleepy male vocal (Dylan It's not dark yet but it's getting there).

I would like it with guitar instead of piano but just my taste it would make it a bit more rugged.

All in all I like and think it there is something there for sure.

Mellow D

[DorothyWallace]

Thanks Mellow,

You might be thinking of that Johnny Cash recording of Hurt by NIN. It's really beautiful.

Dorothy