I'm new I;m 51 be Gentle

[jeep]

all my ex wifes and girlfriends and kids [not in that order] said i should try and write lyrics since i cant sing or play a instrument..so here is my first try I have Parkinsons so I type with 1 finger..... Last Petal Falls 12/07VERSEIT STARTED OUT FINE FIRST DATE NICE DINNER FINE WINE FOR TWO LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP PLEASE WILL YOU SAY I DO KIDS A HOUSE AND BILLS TO PAY BOSS SAYS THINGS ARE LITTLE SLOW WIFE SAYS WE NEED A LITTLE TIME ALONE GRABBED A ROSE FOR HER AFTER WORK TODAY VERSE TROUBLE WITH THE CAR WHAT ELSE CAN GO WRONG KIDS ARE ALWAYS GONE YOUR LEFT ALONE WIFE IS OUT HITTING THE TOWN TONIGHTYOU KNOW ITS NOT TOO LONG GRABED ANOTHER ROSE FOR HER TODAY IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT WONT LAST DOZEN ROSES BOUGHT TO HELP FORGET THE PAST BUT WHEN ITS ALL OVER RELATIONSHIPS ARE TORN CHORUSITS HARD BEING LONELY ALONEWHEN YOUR USED TO HAVING IT ALL BUT ALL YOU HAVE LEFT IS THE THORNWHEN THE LAST PETAL FALLS

[lopc]

My first try was a disaster. Seems like a thousand years ago, or yesterday. Yours, not too bad. Like the title. Really like the fact that you actually have a story line that with a little work could be a song. Do you have a melody in your head for this piece, or was it pen to paper?

[jeep]

Strickly pen to paper funny thing is I just noticed I used the word fine in first 2 lines ...I should have took more time

[Mark Kaufman]

Quote:Strickly pen to paper funny thing is I just noticed I used the word fine in first 2 lines ...I should have took more timeTake that time, jeep...they always say that good songs are never written--they're re-written. I think you have a good start here. It's hard enough to write a lyric, but it's also important to exercise that part of you that can look at a finished version of a lyric, mash it all up, and completely revise it. Then do it again a few more times until it sparkles...and you think, whoa, I didn't know I could write one THAT good... Go for it--step 2--rewrite!And plenty of people here will help you along.-Lyle

[Casey H]

Quote:all my ex wifes and girlfriends and kids [not in that order] said i should try and write lyrics since i cant sing or play a instrument..so here is my first try I have Parkinsons so I type with 1 finger..... Last Petal Falls 12/07VERSEIT STARTED OUT FINE FIRST DATE NICE DINNER FINE WINE FOR TWO LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP PLEASE WILL YOU SAY I DO KIDS A HOUSE AND BILLS TO PAY BOSS SAYS THINGS ARE LITTLE SLOW WIFE SAYS WE NEED A LITTLE TIME ALONE GRABBED A ROSE FOR HER AFTER WORK TODAY VERSE TROUBLE WITH THE CAR WHAT ELSE CAN GO WRONG KIDS ARE ALWAYS GONE YOUR LEFT ALONE WIFE IS OUT HITTING THE TOWN TONIGHTYOU KNOW ITS NOT TOO LONG GRABED ANOTHER ROSE FOR HER TODAY IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT WONT LAST DOZEN ROSES BOUGHT TO HELP FORGET THE PAST BUT WHEN ITS ALL OVER RELATIONSHIPS ARE TORN CHORUSITS HARD BEING LONELY ALONEWHEN YOUR USED TO HAVING IT ALL BUT ALL YOU HAVE LEFT IS THE THORNWHEN THE LAST PETAL FALLSHiYou are never too old for this. There are many folks here in their 50's who are just starting on the road to success. Some quick thoughts:What genre were you thinking of? I love the hook line, "when the last petal falls"! That can be a great basis to carve a song around. Right now it reads as a bit depressing. I'm not sure writing about things going bad in all aspects of life is the best thing to do unless you are writing something tongue and cheek. That's not to say something like that NEVER works, but in general I don't think it does. JMHO In two places you use the same word in consecutive lines. That's not always a bad thing but often it's better to think of some alternates. "Lonely alone" is too much of the same basic word. And you used the word "fine" in each of the first two lines.My personal feeling is you should re-write the lyrics around that "last petal falls" line, but make it less about all this unhappiness, especially in such a direct way. Maybe (just for example) focus on a love relationship gone wrong and how you tried and tried until the last petal falls. Or, turn it around to how, when the last petal falls, she still loves you or came back to you. I can't tell you what storyline to work with- it has to come from what you want. So, those were just random suggestions. And, this is just one man's opinion.There is an old saying about songwriting: "Don't write what you want to say, write what other people want to hear"... (I've made a lot of mistakes in that area in the past)Good luck!I hope that was gentle... Regards,Casey

[hummingbird]

Casey makes some good points. You do have a story here, you just need to work on telling it well, and using song form to allow us to see & feel it. You have two verses, one with 8 lines and another with 9 lines. Verses are always sung to the same music, that means they have to be the same length, and also, that each of the second verse has to have the same meter as its corresponding line in the first verse.I agree that "WHEN THE LAST PETAL FALLS" is a lovely hook. Keep working on it!warmlyHummin'bird

[jeep]

Thanks everyone I'll go back and redo it I was just so excited about finding this forum I wanted to see if it was real...where do I introduce myself to let you know that have no musical abilities to play I sometimes think I can write..it just maybe the Pakinsons' meds kickin in...these words I've written Last Petal falls was supposed to be about my father and his temper...Petals were his friends that he lost due to his anger...he died at 42 and his father died at 42 me I broke the record..lol..Soul Surviving Son hey that sounds like a new idea..Thank you all for being nice I'll redo it without being so depressing.....Dave[Jeep]

[hummingbird]

Hi Jeep, you could start by reading some of the info posted here.... http://taxi.proboards27.com/index.cgi?b ... 1192486086 and then posting an intro in General Hangout.Welcome aboard!Hummin'bird

[anne]

Hey Jeep - I love the story behind your lyrics. Congratulations for jumping in to the forums!

[jeep]

Thanks for all compliments I know I got alot to learn lines...sylabbles I re wrote it a different way this morning this is roughI know which way should I go with it.....relationship or Life.... Last Petal Falls 1/05/08Well my dad taught me something’s in lifeIt’s what you say and do for your friendsThat will stick with you til the endSlow to anger slow to speakIs how it should have beenPetals are like friendsThey will be there til the endchorusBut if you find yourself aloneAfter your used to having it allRemember all you have left is the thornWhen the last petal FallsIn a relationship that won’t lastYou can buy her dozens of rosesTo help her forget the pastBut if it’s you that gets the blameAnd you feel like your life is tornPetals are like excusesThey will be there til the endC;But if you find yourself aloneAfter your used to having it allRemember all you have left is the thornWhen the last petal Falls Turn your life around before someone gets hurtThere’s time to water the Roses That grows from the dirtIt’s time to say your sorryAnd show them your lovePetals are very beautifulIf left on the stemC;But if you find yourself aloneAfter your used to having it allRemember all you have left is the thornWhen the last petal Falls