I would love feedback on these lyrics before the demo
Moderators: admin, mdc, TAXIstaff
-
- Newbie
- Posts: 18
- Joined: Thu Apr 16, 2020 1:48 pm
- Gender: Female
- Contact:
I would love feedback on these lyrics before the demo
WE ARE CONNECTED
(Response to COVID 19)
Kim Moyer ©2020
VERSE:
Although we may be miles apart, you’re my neighbor, you’re my friend,
It’s time to help one another until this trouble ends
This mask that hides my face, can never hide my care
I hope it helps to know that when you need me, I’ll be there
CHORUS:
We are connected, you’re my sister, you’re my brother
No time to judge or complain, just reach out to each other
Together we can win this fight if we do it with our hearts
Putting aside our differences, it’s time for a brand-new start
Let’s stay connected.
VERSE: Please don’t worry just tell me if there’s a need
What is mine is also yours, I am your friend indeed
The best way to get through this is to do it hand in hand
Let’s all pray together that God will heal our land
CHORUS:
We are connected, you’re my sister, you’re my brother
No time to judge or complain, just reach out to each other
Together we can win this fight if we do it with our hearts
Putting aside our differences, we’re ready for a brand-new start
Let’s stay connected.
BRIDGE:
When all of this is over, let’s remember what we’ve been through
Going back is not an option, it’s a new day for me and you
CHORUS:
We are connected, you’re my sister, you’re my brother
No time to judge or complain, just reach out to each other
Together we can win this fight if we do it with our hearts
Putting aside our differences, we’re ready for a brand-new start
Let’s stay connected.
(Response to COVID 19)
Kim Moyer ©2020
VERSE:
Although we may be miles apart, you’re my neighbor, you’re my friend,
It’s time to help one another until this trouble ends
This mask that hides my face, can never hide my care
I hope it helps to know that when you need me, I’ll be there
CHORUS:
We are connected, you’re my sister, you’re my brother
No time to judge or complain, just reach out to each other
Together we can win this fight if we do it with our hearts
Putting aside our differences, it’s time for a brand-new start
Let’s stay connected.
VERSE: Please don’t worry just tell me if there’s a need
What is mine is also yours, I am your friend indeed
The best way to get through this is to do it hand in hand
Let’s all pray together that God will heal our land
CHORUS:
We are connected, you’re my sister, you’re my brother
No time to judge or complain, just reach out to each other
Together we can win this fight if we do it with our hearts
Putting aside our differences, we’re ready for a brand-new start
Let’s stay connected.
BRIDGE:
When all of this is over, let’s remember what we’ve been through
Going back is not an option, it’s a new day for me and you
CHORUS:
We are connected, you’re my sister, you’re my brother
No time to judge or complain, just reach out to each other
Together we can win this fight if we do it with our hearts
Putting aside our differences, we’re ready for a brand-new start
Let’s stay connected.
- funsongs
- Total Pro
- Posts: 7184
- Joined: Fri Sep 06, 2013 11:18 am
- Gender: Male
- Location: So Cal
- Contact:
Re: I would love feedback on these lyrics before the demo
Howdy...
without changing any lyrics... only switching lines 2 & 3 (just for experiment sake)
changes the rhyme to ABAB, for Verses & Choruses...
but leave the Bridge as-is...
wuddyathink? Cheers, Peter
-----------------------------------------------------------
Verse 1)
Although we may be miles apart, you’re my neighbor, you’re my friend,
This mask that hides my face, can never hide my care
It’s time to help one another until this trouble ends
I hope it helps to know that when you need me, I’ll be there
Chorus)
We are connected, you’re my sister, you’re my brother
Together we can win this fight if we do it with our hearts
No time to judge or complain, just reach out to each other
Putting aside our differences, it’s time for a brand-new start
Let’s stay connected.
Verse 2)
Please don’t worry just tell me if there’s a need
The best way to get through this is to do it hand in hand
What is mine is also yours, I am your friend indeed
Let’s all pray together that God will heal our land
rePete Chorus)
Bridge)
When all of this is over, let’s remember what we’ve been through
Going back is not an option, it’s a new day for me and you
rePete Chorus)
Tag & Out
without changing any lyrics... only switching lines 2 & 3 (just for experiment sake)
changes the rhyme to ABAB, for Verses & Choruses...
but leave the Bridge as-is...
wuddyathink? Cheers, Peter
-----------------------------------------------------------
Verse 1)
Although we may be miles apart, you’re my neighbor, you’re my friend,
This mask that hides my face, can never hide my care
It’s time to help one another until this trouble ends
I hope it helps to know that when you need me, I’ll be there
Chorus)
We are connected, you’re my sister, you’re my brother
Together we can win this fight if we do it with our hearts
No time to judge or complain, just reach out to each other
Putting aside our differences, it’s time for a brand-new start
Let’s stay connected.
Verse 2)
Please don’t worry just tell me if there’s a need
The best way to get through this is to do it hand in hand
What is mine is also yours, I am your friend indeed
Let’s all pray together that God will heal our land
rePete Chorus)
Bridge)
When all of this is over, let’s remember what we’ve been through
Going back is not an option, it’s a new day for me and you
rePete Chorus)
Tag & Out
Peter Rahill - aka "funsongs"
NOW, back on YouTube (2022)
https://www.youtube.com/@peterrahill9263/featured
https://soundcloud.com/funsongs-1
https://peterrahill.bandcamp.com/
“The future aint what it use to be.” - Yogi Berra
NOW, back on YouTube (2022)
https://www.youtube.com/@peterrahill9263/featured
https://soundcloud.com/funsongs-1
https://peterrahill.bandcamp.com/
“The future aint what it use to be.” - Yogi Berra
-
- Newbie
- Posts: 18
- Joined: Thu Apr 16, 2020 1:48 pm
- Gender: Female
- Contact:
Re: I would love feedback on these lyrics before the demo
I love the changes! Thanks for your input.
- cosmicdolphin
- Serious Musician
- Posts: 4483
- Joined: Thu Feb 18, 2010 1:46 pm
- Gender: Male
- Contact:
Re: I would love feedback on these lyrics before the demo
Hard to say without knowing what style of sing it is, I'd probably lose the line about God as not everyone has those kinds of beliefs and it may put it out of the running for a placement opportunity or put it in a very narrow niche.
Overall I find it a bit ' on the nose ' ..don't know if that's a saying around your parts but it tends to mean it's all quite literal / lacking any subtlety or nuance. It's just a laundry list of platitudes..i.e there's no story or hook to pull you in.
Who are the characters in the song, why should we care about them ?
I'm sure lots of folks are writing sings like this at the moment so what will make your's stand out ?
Mark
Overall I find it a bit ' on the nose ' ..don't know if that's a saying around your parts but it tends to mean it's all quite literal / lacking any subtlety or nuance. It's just a laundry list of platitudes..i.e there's no story or hook to pull you in.
Who are the characters in the song, why should we care about them ?
I'm sure lots of folks are writing sings like this at the moment so what will make your's stand out ?
Mark
Buy me coffee https://ko-fi.com/cosmicdolphin78382
-
- Newbie
- Posts: 18
- Joined: Thu Apr 16, 2020 1:48 pm
- Gender: Female
- Contact:
Re: I would love feedback on these lyrics before the demo
Thanks for the input. I may replace God with time. Its a pop song---to express general caring for each other in a crisis.
- funsongs
- Total Pro
- Posts: 7184
- Joined: Fri Sep 06, 2013 11:18 am
- Gender: Male
- Location: So Cal
- Contact:
Re: I would love feedback on these lyrics before the demo
I sent you a PM (private message) if this feature is new to you - you should see a notification show up in your email INBOX.
Cheers.
Peter
Peter Rahill - aka "funsongs"
NOW, back on YouTube (2022)
https://www.youtube.com/@peterrahill9263/featured
https://soundcloud.com/funsongs-1
https://peterrahill.bandcamp.com/
“The future aint what it use to be.” - Yogi Berra
NOW, back on YouTube (2022)
https://www.youtube.com/@peterrahill9263/featured
https://soundcloud.com/funsongs-1
https://peterrahill.bandcamp.com/
“The future aint what it use to be.” - Yogi Berra
-
- Impressive
- Posts: 264
- Joined: Thu Oct 27, 2016 1:40 pm
- Gender: Male
- Contact:
Re: I would love feedback on these lyrics before the demo
I'd really love to hear a version of this. I think you are pushing all of the right buttons!
I'd ditch the 'God' reference as well and re-write it as...
"Let's all join together to heal our land"
Something in that vein.
Strong work! See it through!
I'd ditch the 'God' reference as well and re-write it as...
"Let's all join together to heal our land"
Something in that vein.
Strong work! See it through!
Bad art can make you laugh
Good art can make you think
Great art can destroy you
- Me
(Did he just quote himself?? Yes! Yes I did!)
Good art can make you think
Great art can destroy you
- Me
(Did he just quote himself?? Yes! Yes I did!)
-
- Newbie
- Posts: 18
- Joined: Thu Apr 16, 2020 1:48 pm
- Gender: Female
- Contact:
- cosmicdolphin
- Serious Musician
- Posts: 4483
- Joined: Thu Feb 18, 2010 1:46 pm
- Gender: Male
- Contact:
Re: I would love feedback on these lyrics before the demo
Hi Kim
It doesn't read like a Pop song as they tend to have shorter phrasing , more repetition ( hooks ) and different subject matter. i.e. they skew younger lyrically
On the page It comes across more like Country or AOR ...something more middle of the road. For Example https://david-ford.bandcamp.com/track/6-feet-apart
Mark
Buy me coffee https://ko-fi.com/cosmicdolphin78382
-
- Newbie
- Posts: 18
- Joined: Thu Apr 16, 2020 1:48 pm
- Gender: Female
- Contact:
Re: I would love feedback on these lyrics before the demo
Thanks for your help
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 23 guests