Joke of the Minute...

[Casey H]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE. George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."George said, "Okay."He hung up the phone and counted to 30.Then he phoned the police again."Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" Don't mess with old people!

[mazz]

This one goes out to Von:After years of hiding the fact that the love is gone, the last child moved out of the house and Mom and Dad announced they are getting a divorce.The kids are distraught and hired a marriage counselor as a last resort at keeping the parents together.The counselor works for hours, tries all of his methods, but the couple still won't even talk to each other.Finally, the counselor goes over to a closet, brings out a beautiful upright Bass, and begins to play.After a few moments, the couple starts talking. They discover that they're not actually that far apart and decide to give their marriage another try.The kids are amazed and ask the counselor how he managed to do it.He replies, "I've never seen anyone who wouldn't talk during a bass solo."

[drew]

There are 10^11 stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge number. But it's only a hundred billion. We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers.~ Richard Feynman

[eokamura]

What's the difference between a kid in a playground and a trombone player?The kid in the playground can slide AND swing.

[eokamura]

Why did the rhythm section miss the gig?The bass player locked his keys in his car and it took him all night to get the drummer out.

[himynameisbuddy]

What's the last thing the drummer says before he's kicked out of the band?"Hey, guys, I wrote some songs!"

[davekershaw]

This mag's just been republished, in case anyone missed it first time round.Next issue's called "Nagged" and has a special pullout supplement on mother-in-laws!

[mewman]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: 'Father .. During World War II , a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.' The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.' 'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.' The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, >you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.' 'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more > question.' 'And what is that?' asked the priest. 'Should I tell her the war is over?

[davekershaw]

Jul 14, 2009, 8:54am, mewman wrote:Should I tell her the war is over?

[aimusic]

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."