Lyrical Finesse?

[cconfident]

Hello everyone/anyone! Trying out this share the feedback and hopefully get some other feedback and understanding...

https://taxi.com/members/ERTcd-UaSAqw3V ... 9g8Ci0A9Jw

(it appears the link above may not work (on the share your feedback option - so I copied and pasted here)
"What I like most about this song -- You deliver a catchy chorus melody on this one.

I think you could improve this song by -- Song works better without the spoken word message, although, I could hear some encouraging vocalizations to help guide your young listener.

I returned or forwarded this song because -- Song could use lyrical finesse in verse along with some production finesse to help encourage a young child to stay involved."


TAXI friends/folks, Any ideas on "lyrical finesse" for children - or in general? More practical or applicable ideas on how to make this a stronger track (production and/or lyrics)? There are a couple spots that I can clean up with timing and whatnot... anything else? Take out some of the extra vocals? or add more?

thanks in advance!

Clif

here's the link to my song

https://taxi.com/members/ERTcd-UaSAqw3V ... poken-msg-

if that doesn't work, hopefully the link to my artist page is here - and you can scroll to the song? (the one without spoken msg seemed better)
https://taxi.com/members/cliftonconfident

lyrics:
"Perfect 10, yeah that’s what you are.
Perfect 10, shine brighter than a star.
Perfect 10, BELIEVE in yourself!
Perfect 10, you are like no one else!

V1

10 out of 10 is the best you can be,
Give it your all and then you will see
you can win - don’t you ever give in.
If you feel down, just remember my friend, you are a perfect 10 (to chorus)

CHORUS:

Perfect 10, yeah that’s what you are.
Perfect 10, shine brighter than a star.
Perfect 10, BELIEVE in yourself!
Perfect 10, you are like no one else!

V2

10 out of 10 is the most you can get,
If you’re not there, then you just aren’t yet!
Get up and DO, don’t sit and be still,
If you give it a go, then you probably will - because a "perfect 10" (to chorus)

CHORUS"

here's the listing

"ORIGINAL CHILDREN'S SONGS with Male or Female Vocals are needed by a very successful Music Publisher with a long track record of placements in Film, TV, and Commercials.

They’re looking for emotionally upbeat Children’s Songs that are Mid-to Up-Tempo and in the general stylistic wheelhouse of these references:

“Baby Shark” by Pinkfong

“Shake Your Sillies” by The Learning Station

“Freeze Dance” by Kai Luo

Please submit Original Songs that are well-produced, with simple melodies that are easy to sing along with and will appeal to young children. Instrumentation and genre can vary, but should be something kids would gravitate to (and parents would probably hate after they hear it 500 times). You’d also be wise to have vocal performances that would be engaging and appealing to young kids.

Lyric Tip: Please remember the audience will be very young, think along the lines of the ages 2-10, so keep your Songs SIMPLE, somewhat REPETITIVE, and FUN! Lyric themes that are positive, educational, and universal in nature should work best!

Do NOT copy the referenced artists or Songs in any way, shape, or form. Use them only as a guide for texture, tone, and overall vibe. Broadcast quality is needed.

The specific deal points will be handled on a case-by-case basis. If you’re inclined to do an Exclusive deal, please don’t submit material that’s already signed with other libraries or publishers. You must own or control your Master and Copyright to submit to this opportunity. Please submit as many Songs as you’d like, online or per CD. All submissions will be screened and critiqued by TAXI. Submissions must be received no later than 11:59 PM (PDT) on Friday, April 17th, 2020. TAXI # S200417CH "

[AlanHall]

The links do not work for me. Try posting a link to your member page?
Make sure you've massaged the page link as you want it to appear, in the "Edit Profile / Taxi link" section

as an example, see in my sig line the "www.Taxi.com/members/F7project". Yours appears to be "/members/" followed by a bunch of gobbledy-gook. You can clean it up as you see fit.

edit: I see I can follow the link... Not sure why I couldn't before. Nevertheless, the comment about making your page link readable and identifiable still stands.

After listening to your track, the thing that stands out to me is the vocal is a bit slurred in spots. Maybe more in the front of the mix would help? I'd wager that the screener was thinking that young listeners may not get all the words clearly; 'finessing' the vocal then would mean getting a version with better diction and clarity, or processing the vocal to bring out the intelligibility. JM2C
It sounds like a very respectable kid's song, something I might hear at vacation bible school or in any setting where a positive self-image is prioritized. Good job! (see what I did there?)

[cconfident]

The links do not work for me. Try posting a link to your member page?
Make sure you've massaged the page link as you want it to appear, in the "Edit Profile / Taxi link" section

as an example, see in my sig line the "www.Taxi.com/members/F7project". Yours appears to be "/members/" followed by a bunch of gobbledy-gook. You can clean it up as you see fit.

edit: I see I can follow the link... Not sure why I couldn't before. Nevertheless, the comment about making your page link readable and identifiable still stands.

THANKS Alan! I edited my page and also made it public - which MIGHT have been the problem. thanks for your time and look forward to your response!
try the link in my post again, but my page is below

https://taxi.com/members/cliftonconfident

[cconfident]

The links do not work for me. Try posting a link to your member page?
Make sure you've massaged the page link as you want it to appear, in the "Edit Profile / Taxi link" section

as an example, see in my sig line the "www.Taxi.com/members/F7project". Yours appears to be "/members/" followed by a bunch of gobbledy-gook. You can clean it up as you see fit.

edit: I see I can follow the link... Not sure why I couldn't before. Nevertheless, the comment about making your page link readable and identifiable still stands.

THANKS Alan! I edited my page and also made it public - which MIGHT have been the problem. thanks for your time and look forward to your response!
try the link in my post again, but my page is below

https://taxi.com/members/cliftonconfident

***just tried your link, and I get a 404 Error, as well

[AlanHall]

***just tried your link, and I get a 404 Error, as well

Interesting. I'm supersized the text editor thought I wanted to embed a link in the message. Apparently something breaks when that happens. If you click on my sig line, does it work there?

Alternately, there are tools for embedding links. If i select the 'link' icon above and type just so www.taxi.com/members/f7project does it work then?

hmmm. that doesn't work either. Very strange. my sig doesn't work. double strange.

Alternately, there are tools for embedding links. If i select the 'link' icon above and type just so https://www.taxi.com/members/f7project does it work then?

edit: apparently a capital 'F' doesn't work in my address. Weird. My apologies for clogging the bandwidth on your thread. Maybe post again with my issues?

[cconfident]

***just tried your link, and I get a 404 Error, as well

Interesting. I'm supersized the text editor thought I wanted to embed a link in the message. Apparently something breaks when that happens. If you click on my sig line, does it work there?

Alternately, there are tools for embedding links. If i select the 'link' icon above and type just so www.taxi.com/members/f7project does it work then?

hmmm. that doesn't work either. Very strange. my sig doesn't work. double strange.

Alternately, there are tools for embedding links. If i select the 'link' icon above and type just so https://www.taxi.com/members/f7project does it work then?

edit: apparently a capital 'F' doesn't work in my address. Weird. My apologies for clogging the bandwidth on your thread. Maybe post again with my issues?

This one worked https://www.taxi.com/members/f7project
thanks for your input... perhaps finesse is referring to the vocal delivery? not the actual lyrics? but then again, it says "lyrical finesse in the verse" - which makes me think "lyric"

[AlanHall]

thanks for your input... perhaps finesse is referring to the vocal delivery? not the actual lyrics? but then again, it says "lyrical finesse in the verse" - which makes me think "lyric"

Could be. I was thinking delivery, but that's just me.

[Zaychi]

Well I realize repetition is a key concept in a kid's song, but the "Perfect Ten" is really repeated an AWFUL lot of times here... maybe it is about that?

[cconfident]

Thanks for checking it out, Zaychi... seems less likely to me that it is a “perfect ten” problem - since the screeners only positive comment was on the chorus, and critique was specially focused on “Lyrics finesse” in the “verse” (where “perfect ten” is not repeated more than once :-/
Any lyrical suggestions?

Anyone? Beuller? Beuller?

I do appreciate you for taking the time to check it out and respond.

Sincerely,
Clifton

[RPaul]

I'm not really familiar with this sort of children's music -- more the Disney stuff, and also Raffi from when my kids were young. With that caveat, I think I might understand the "lyrical finesse" part, and I also have a few basic thoughts on the production side.

On the lyrics, both in the verses and in the first two lines of the chorus, I was feeling like there was rhyme for rhyme's sake, where the lyric suffered for the sake of rhyme. For example, the first two lines in the chorus read:

Perfect 10, yeah that’s what you are.
Perfect 10, shine brighter than a star.

That was a really predictable rhyme, and it feels forced. Is that something you'd really say to someone? Even if you kept the predictable rhyme, I think you could phrase it in a more natural way, perhaps, "you're my shining star," or even, "you're a shining star." The second two lines of the chorus feel more natural to me.

The first verse reads:

10 out of 10 is the best you can be,
Give it your all and then you will see
you can win - don’t you ever give in.
If you feel down, just remember my friend, you are a perfect 10

One initial concern I'd have here is using the same AABB rhyme scheme you use in the chorus, rather than changing things up for more interest. (Or maybe even AABBB if you count the internal rhyme in line 3 and a near rhyme on "friend".) Here again the rhymes feel predictable at the expense of phrasing and conversational language. For example, the first two lines, if taken by themselves don't really complete a thought, but they do complete the phrasing of the lyric. The thought is completed with, "and then you will see you can win." So the line break is in an unnatural place.

So my first thought here would be to vary the rhyme scheme from the chorus' scheme, and the second is to first figure out what you want to say, then figure out how you can say it in a way that feels right at the rhyme scheme and rhythmic level, rather than forcing what you say to fit rhymes.

The second verse reads:

10 out of 10 is the most you can get,
If you’re not there, then you just aren’t yet!
Get up and DO, don’t sit and be still,
If you give it a go, then you probably will - because a "perfect 10"

When I read those first two lines, my inclination is to ask, "then you just aren't WHAT yet?" I guess you're implying you're just not "there", but the line before it suggests 10 out of 10 is something you get, not somewhere you end up. Similarly, my inclination is to ask, "then you probably will WHAT?" -- you probably will give it a go?? In this case, I don't think that's what you mean, but it's also not clear from this verse what you will do, will achieve, or whatever is intended.

So again my main thoughts would be to vary the rhyme scheme from the chorus, but make sure you know what you want to say and are saying it cleanly rather than creating the words to fit a rhyme.

One last thing on the verses is that both verses, while not identical in what they say, are somewhat redundant in that area. Is there some development you could have to give the verses a bit more variation?

In my lyric writing I tend to like to think of what each verse is saying in a summary-type form, typically before I actually write the lyric, or at least the verse. I do a similar thing with the chorus, which each verse has to lead up to, and a bridge if there is one. To try to give an example of this, I'll reference my song "Dream a Mighty Dream", which I wrote for a TAXI listing last year. I was reading into the listing that it would be a new decade thing, possibly for some kind of technology ad. The actual lyrics are at http://rickpaulmusic.com/songs/dream-a-mighty-dream/, but my summary might be something along the lines of:

Verse 1: There's a lot of potential out there, but we've got to be ready to get out of our comfort zone to realize it.

Chorus: Consider what you want, and don't be afraid to dream big.

Verse 2: We're at a turning point, and together we can achieve much. (repeat chorus)

Half-Verse 3: Now is the time for action (repeat chorus twice)

The point isn't this song, but rather the development of sections as a song progresses. There may be less room for development in a children's song, but I picked this example to demonstrate what I meant on the progression of ideas because it is also a very simple song, without a lot of actual words.

As for the production, the thing that struck me was that there didn't seem to be a lot of variation between the verses, and, in fact, there could be more variation between the verses and the chorus. You did vary the instrumentation between the verses and the chorus, but the vocals still had the harmonies, and they were pretty dominant in the production. I'd probably suggest not having harmonies at all in the first verse, and maybe some lighter harmonies in the second. Also, maybe you could change up the instrumentation in the verses between verses -- not totally, but just enough to provide something new and interesting the second time around. (This probably also goes for the choruses in terms of changing things up a bit between choruses.)

Good luck with the song.

Rick