My first lyric review - lets see how it works...

stickboymusic · Post by **stickboymusic** » Mon Dec 24, 2007 12:49 pm

HelloWell ive never posted in this section before but here are the lyrics to one of my newer songs.....Those three wordsYour hearts like an island, its surrounded by waterBut love can be foolish, so it sinks to the bottomLike stones on the seabed, that sank like a shipwreckThat lay empty and silent, in beautiful silenceOh just say those three wordsI'll be there.You ran through the forest with the speed of a tigerBut lost your direction and tripped on the trip wireI followed you home to the place where you startedThe room in the mill for the poor broken heartedOh just say thoses three wordsI'll be there.I watered the flowers and posted the petalsA simple reminder of how nature binds upI walked by the river and sat 'neath a willow treeAnd wrote you this song in the hope you'd remember meOh just say those three wordsI'll be there.and here is the songhttp://www.taximusic.com/song.php?song_id=83616&stream=1love youxxxwww.myspace.com/stickboyuk

stickboymusic · Post by **stickboymusic** » Wed Dec 26, 2007 3:13 am

hmmm well i guess it doesnt work - 20 views and no repliesha at least i am learning my way around these forums- message to self - do not post in the lyric sectionhappy xmasxxx

dcandco · Post by **dcandco** » Wed Dec 26, 2007 7:53 am

Very Sweet song, need the music for the lyrics to work, as in just reading it doesn't do much for me, but I really like it when I listen to it. Also I recommend that you sing out the last words of the verses, a couple places it sounded like you fell short and gave up on them. Sort of took some sweetness away.Dave

hummingbird · Post by **hummingbird** » Wed Dec 26, 2007 10:14 am

Hey Stick, can't speak for anyone else on the forum, but you did post on Christmas Eve, and I expect that most members were otherwise occupied over Christmas. We all are songwriters like you, living in different time zones, with lives of our own. In the future, give us more than a few hours to have a look, okay? IOW, feel slighted after a couple of days, not a few hours.Lyrically I like the verses, great imagery & they feel very poignant. Great work. Not sure about the chorus, and by that I mean the verses don't IMHO pay off into that chorus, but perhaps the music would help me to hear it. I can't listen to the music as I am away from home and there are no speakers on this computer. As I read the lyrics they struck me as being folk or Celtic in phrasing & wording. What genre are you shooting for?Hummin'bird

stickboymusic · Post by **stickboymusic** » Wed Dec 26, 2007 10:55 am

Goodness you are right i did only post it on xmas eve!! oops - i felt sure it was longer agosorry sorry - and thankyou for your comments.xxx

anne · Post by **anne** » Wed Dec 26, 2007 3:45 pm

Hi Stickboy - it can take a couple of days. I'm very new to lyric writing so I don't want to give any detailed feedback on your lyrics. I just wanted to encourage you not to worry about the slow replies over the holiday. Nice to "meet" you - Anne

ckbarlow · Post by **ckbarlow** » Thu Dec 27, 2007 6:49 pm

Stickboy, I think they're pretty great, personally. I'll get to the lyrics in a second but I love the Bright Eyes-like frailty of your voice. I find it very affecting.The lyrics evoke intense pictures. First verse: what if... OK, her heart is the island, and the stones on the seabed around it are the unmet love of probably dozens of heartbroken guys like you? What if it were "Like stones on the seabed, thrown from so many shipwrecks that lay empty and silent, in beautiful silence" so that the throwing is the reaching, the yearning of would-be lovers that all have failed to reach her? (I think you can fit "thrown from" in, as a tail-end of the melodic phrase that currently ends with "seabed"; "so" would be the downbeat of the next melodic phrase)Doing this would connect the stones to the shipwrecks so that it's one long simile rather than a combination of different similes.Just an idea.

stickboymusic · Post by **stickboymusic** » Fri Dec 28, 2007 12:23 am

Ahh thankyou - yeh i did actually think of saying "like stones on the seabed that sank with the shipwreck..." but this was an afterthought once id recorded it.... i think they do paint a good enough picture as they are but if i ever re recorded i may address that line againhave a wonderful new yearxxx

aimusic · Post by **aimusic** » Fri Dec 28, 2007 12:53 am

Hey StickBoy,The only suggestion I can really make is the phrasing for You tripped on the trip wire, it kinda feels redundant mentioning that this person tripped on trip wire, because it sounds rushed when you sing it?You tripped on the wire might work better, but then again, you are the artiste and you get to choose what the hell you wanna do!GOOD LUCK!!!! and Hope you have a great new year!!!!

lopc · Post by **lopc** » Mon Dec 31, 2007 2:52 pm

Good job on the 1st verse, stick. Closing my eyes, I can actually see those words. I really like the way you played the hook. You can write, man.

My first lyric review - lets see how it works...

My first lyric review - lets see how it works...

Re: My first lyric review - lets see how it works.

Re: My first lyric review - lets see how it works.

Re: My first lyric review - lets see how it works.

Re: My first lyric review - lets see how it works.

Re: My first lyric review - lets see how it works.

Re: My first lyric review - lets see how it works.

Re: My first lyric review - lets see how it works.

Re: My first lyric review - lets see how it works.

Re: My first lyric review - lets see how it works.

Who is online