Need advice on lyrics

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songmaster
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Need advice on lyrics

Post by songmaster » Sun Aug 15, 2021 8:50 am

I haven't been on this site for a while, but I decided to give up writing melodies for songs and try and give 100% to lyrics. I always felt I was stuck in my past as far as melodies went. Anyway, any advice on this song would be appreciated.

Tom

You Breathe Life Into Me

I've been feeling cold, like I'm six feet deep
Love is feelin so remote, I can't rest in peace
You have come and raised me up, from this frozen sleep
All you had to do was breathe

Chorus

Yeah, I feel it now, my heart is starting to beat
Bodies warmin as you breathe new life into me
My blood is racin, like a mad mob loose in the street
Now I know you're all I need
You breathe life into me, and it all comes alive
Every color that I see, I never saw with these eyes
Things were getting kind of black, just before my demise
Now I'mma sighin with relief
You breathe life into me
Ooh ooh, ooh ooh
You breathe life into me
Ooh ohh, ooh ooh
You breathe life into me

I resigned to endless nights, wasted in the dark
Tryin to find a little light, in a strangers heart
I was always on the edge, and it was so sharp
Then you took me in your arms

Chorus

Bridge

Life's an uncertain dance
But one thing I know for sure
You are my second chance
You are my only cure

Chorus...end.
Last edited by songmaster on Mon Aug 23, 2021 4:50 am, edited 3 times in total.

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hummingbird
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Re: Need advice on lyrics

Post by hummingbird » Sun Aug 15, 2021 12:14 pm

Nice job, paints a story and kept me reading til the end.
"As we are creative beings, our lives become our works of art." (Julia Cameron)

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songmaster
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Re: Need advice on lyrics

Post by songmaster » Mon Aug 16, 2021 11:41 am

Thanks Hummingbird! I appreciate the encouragement :)

Tom

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AlanHall
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Re: Need advice on lyrics

Post by AlanHall » Mon Aug 16, 2021 5:59 pm

I too like the imagery, my only nit is the word 'twilight' which still evokes sappy teenage vampire movie to me. Of course, not everyone has a negative reaction to that story line. Maybe what you were going for?

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Re: Need advice on lyrics

Post by Zaychi » Tue Aug 17, 2021 2:23 am

My main problem is with the opening line:

I've been laying like a ghost, like I'm six feet deep

As I envision a ghost, it is FAILING to lie six feet deep... it keeps wondering around, tormented. So it feels like a contradiction.

Also, all those little permutations of "breathe life into me" may be hard to fit into a (repeating) chorus line. One has a part before it ("Bodies warmin"), another has an extra "new"... when this is sung, it might be hard to make it fit to a single melodic line.

Otherwise, nice work!

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Re: Need advice on lyrics

Post by songmaster » Tue Aug 17, 2021 5:43 am

Thanks Alan! I was a little unsure of "Twilight" for the reasons you mentioned, but also, as I searched for a good adjective, words like "endless", "uneasy","restless" etc. they all seemed a little final and I wanted to make it feel like he was not permanently dead, but was in a bit of a transition, if only the right person would come along. I will have another look at it.

Thanks Zaychi! In beginning I had the line "walking like a ghost" but that didn't seem to work with "six feet deep" I think you are right about "laying" I might take the word "ghost" out and think of another line. Thanks for the confirmation. I didn't have too much problems with singing "You breathe life into me" if you hold the first two lines "You Breathe........life into me" it works. of course it all depends on the melody. I will talk a look at those other things you mentioned also. I appreciate your comments.

Tom

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Re: Need advice on lyrics

Post by songmaster » Tue Aug 17, 2021 5:59 am

Maybe this works better. " I feel broken in my soul, like I'm six feet deep" ?
And for the "Twilight" line. " You have come and raised me up, from this "frozen" sleep "?
I think I like these better, thanks guys :)

Tom

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Re: Need advice on lyrics

Post by AlanHall » Tue Aug 17, 2021 6:58 am

I like your thought process.
+1 for the eagerness to work your craft ;)

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Re: Need advice on lyrics

Post by songmaster » Tue Aug 17, 2021 7:23 am

Thanks Alan! I really appreciated your help.

Tom

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Re: Need advice on lyrics

Post by Zaychi » Tue Aug 17, 2021 7:54 am

A "broken soul" is a bit of a clichee though, don't you think?

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