New Lyrics - Some Feedback Please

[PaulCrick]

OK, now I'm serious and have a goal to join TAXI and create 3 submissions before the end of 2012.

These lyrics came from a very special event on 11.11.11 in UK at a monastery where I took part in an hour long meditation with 500+ other people. The words came through in fits and starts and were finally crystalised on a flight from Athens to Birmigham (UK).

Think solo female ballad with great vocal range and I have the basic underscore and top line which needs finishing. The structure can and - IMHO - follow a more modern arrangement rather than traditional VCVC8VCC.

Thank you in advance for taking a look and helping me grow as a songwriter / composer.

'I Wish You Enough'

(chorus)
I wish you enough, love
So you know that's all there is
I wish you enough, hope
to heal and to forgive
I wish you enough, faith
believe the magic in your heart
I wish you enough,
I wish you enough


( verses)

It's like wanting to connect
When those in shadows choose to hide
It's the illusion of what's between you
stops you crossing the divide
It's staring blankly at the floor
When you could be wondering at the sky
It's being blind to all about you
When all you need is open eyes

It's like waiting at the stop light
When it's telling you to start
It's when you're living in your head
instead of loving with your heart
It's the loss of inspiration
When you just need to take a breath
It's being full of good intentions
When you feel there's nothing left


It's that quiet desperation
The restless struggle to conform
When what you need is new perspective
On the reasons we were born
And if you believe you don't deserve it
Or you think that you're a fake
Then in that moment my sweet child
Just reach out, my hand to take

(Middle 8)
Can you sit there deep in silence
And contemplate your heart
Can you stand and brave the flames
When your world it falls apart
Can you cast aside your fears
And dare to bare your soul
Are you awake or are you sleeping
Ooh yes I want to know, yes I want know

[mikeShort]

There is a lot of powerful imagery and metaphor here, but I think the song suffers from a major flaw. What is "It?" We know what "it" is like, but we don't know what "it" is. Is it the way the singee is living life? It is the frustration of daily living? Is it the blind alley we all turn down when we lose sight of the prize? Who is "you" in this song? I think the lack of clarity surrounding what the song is about is short-circuiting what you're trying to do.

Without being snark, I can say I don't KNOW what you're trying to do.

It probably wouldn't take much to get this set up so it all flows, but without it, it's a river without a bed: it just wanders where it will. And no, you can't use that!

Editorial: lose the commas in the chorus. The first one especially got me on the wrong track completely, because I thought "love" was not something you were wishing for, but rather a term of endearment.

I hope this helps. There is so much rich material here that a strong foundation should lead to a great song.

[PaulCrick]

Great feedback. Thank you

[JeSsiCaRaTz]

Hi, I liked it, it has a good vibe. Nice job!
I loved this line:
It's like waiting at the stoplight
When it's telling you to start

My specific suggestion would be to improve that line by changing it to:
It's like waiting at the stoplight
When it's telling you to go

Because it seems maybe a little more natural, and then change the next two lines so you have a rhyme with go. I think that will improve it a little too, since the start/heart rhyme could be replaced with something a little more surprising.

Well that's my two cents! This is actually the first post I've commented on...mind looking at the lyric I just posted? Thanks! --Jessica