New Song, Reworked to everybody's advice

[denalihighway]

Mr Lewitt how are ya (i'll be in touch later re ICU)

Nice track, as always, nice mix and very listenable.

Couple of things that occurred to me:

- its hard to know what you're talking about in the 1st verse. Quite stream of consciousness I imagine? Its nice and I'm very guilty f the SOC thing too but perhaps you need to draw the listener in a bit more about why the person 'loses control' etc.
- piano bridge is lovely but maybe a little drawn out?
- also I noticed when the bridge kicks at 1.48, the tambourine drops out and something feel lost to me - maybe you can add some other percussion that will work with the smooth vibe of the bridge but so that the tambourine dropping out isn't so noticeable - bit it could be just me.
- the last chorus comes a little out of the blue for me - in the pre-chorus 1.25 - 1.27, you have that ascending dum dum dum...chorus. Maybe throw that in the last bar of the bridge?

there's definitely subjective stuff in most of what I said!

Hope it helps anyhoo

Good stuff dude
Gar

[Len911]

As for an ala, I'd say Eddie Rabbit. The rhythms and general vibe, sorta country, but not really, more singer-songwriter.

I only have one little nit, it seems if the last line in the chorus is going to be "you're insatiable", that it should either be emphasized or the notes ascend instead of descend. you're insatiable

[johnlewitt]

Gar / Len,

Thanks for listening, I will add these comments to the list of things to work on for this song (which is growing everyday!).

Eddie Rabbit, that's a first for me. I checked out a couple songs and I think I can see what you mean.

John

[Piewackit1]

I didn't really read all the posts John so I hope I'm not repeating anything. I really like your musicianship on all your tunes and I think you have a great voice.

I only really have one suggestion: I would like the chorus to go somewhere different in terms of notes. I'm thinking higher? The song lacks a forward moving chorus and kind of gets a bit dull. Sorry so blunt...some of your tunes are just so great...this one could be with a little tweaking.

Hope this helps and I'm not on your enemy list.

Jeff.

[johnlewitt]

Thank you all for your comments. I took everyone's ideas and tried to implement them. Now whether I was successful, I'm not 100% sure, and I may have made somethings worst. But before throwing this track in the discard bin I'd thought I'd give it one last go. Based on your suggestions...

- I changed the 1st verse lyrics to be more clear.
- I alternated the bass note going up and down on the lead into the verses.
- I added a tambourine into the musical bridge.
- Finally I've tried to change the melody, it's direction, and the timing of the chorus vocal. This is the one I'm most unsure about. Is it better, worse, or the same?

Thanks for listening.

John

[funsongs]

Here's a new song, that I've just finished mixing - the first I've completed since I got back from the Rally.
If I count things up, there's six things that I learned (hopefully) at the Rally that I have applied to this track.
I haven't written it for a specific listing, but I was going for upbeat, contemporary singer/songwriter. So let me know if I've hit that target (any a la's would be great), and feel free to offer any general comments.
https://soundcloud.com/john-lewitt/insatiable
Thanks for listening.
John

fwiw/feedback:
1) see that the lyric changes not reflected/edited on your SC page; the changes seem a good improvement, and flow well.
2) small detail, first line of Verse 2 "there" for you... that word seems to be getting swallowed, and not easily enunciated.
3) the instrument interludes... hmmm... what if they were half as long? Just asking.

My "ala" would be John Sebastian-ish... Lovin' Spoonful.

Will leave any mix critiques for others.
Overall impression: snappy, upbeat, easy-listening.
hth; cheers,
Peter

[johnlewitt]

Thanks Peter. Your the 2nd to say to cut the instrumental passage down, so I will chop it in half.

And I can easily fix the swallowed word.

John

[feaker66]

Nice improvements John

I really like the short "uh huh"s that you do.

A little dead space at 1:23 that needs a lil something??

Sincerely

Paul

[rdance]

very usable track john!

[johnlewitt]

Paul, I'm glad I've changed your mind from your original opinion. I will look at 1:23 and see what I can do.

Richard. Thanks. Hopefully someone who can do something with it finds it useable too!

John