"No One" - Ready for production?

[partyofone]

I'm excited about this one but think it could stand some lyrical tweaks. I'd like any feedback on melody, lyrics, structure, flow, tempo, etc. Once it's solid I'm going to demo and am planning on using this song on a album I'm putting together.Thanks in advance as always!http://pleasurejunkie.net/no_one_demo.mp3No One (Knows You Like I Do)verse/They all laughed at youThrough that thin disguiseA hidden shamePoured out your eyesSo you lost yourselfWithout a compass to findThe true north that's in your mindpre-chorus/Have you wandered too far out this timeTo find your way back from across that line?I can show you what you need to seeReflect the good in you off of mechorus/When the darkness hasLeft you heartlessI can help you to find the sunLet me undoAll that's untrue causeNo one knows youLike I do, like I doverse/Whispers in the darkTearing you apartA buried truth in your heart of heartsThe cold touch of regretSins you can't forgetSometimes we can't see the good insidepre-chorus/Have you forgotten now just where you are?Can't see the brightness of your northern star?Driving all night just to get awayFrom something that you can't seem to escape?bridge/One dark night you'll see itBut in a flash of light it fades and goes awayHave you gone astray?Let me help you find your way...

[mcanty]

Absolutely. I love it. I don't focus on the lyrics as much as I do the sound. I hate it when people tell me who I sound like but I'm going to do it anyway. You'll probably take this the wrong way but listen to "when I look into your eyes" by Firehouse. I'm not saying this sounds like a cheesy hair metal ballad at all. Just the tone of your voice.In fact I think this sounds like a modern rock ballad and very worthy of production. I'd make it an electric guitar driven song along the lines of Daughtry.I thinks it's a very good song

[partyofone]

Hey Mcanty, thanks bro! No I don't take your comparison as a slight at all... a good song is a good song and I actually really liked that tune!Yeah I'd love to do it up in big guitar ballad style for sure! Thanks for listening man.

[hummingbird]

They all laughed at youThrough that thin disguise (grammically this assigns the disguise to them)maybe "saw thru your thin disguise"?So you lost yourselfWithout a compass to findThe true north that's in your mindHave you wandered too far out this timeTo find your way back from across that line(what does "true north" mean, and how does it relate to "the line" she's supposed to find?)the rest of it reads pretty well. Musically I think it works. Vocally I'd like to hear more clarity in the sound - it's my own prejudice, I'd rather understand the words and hear clear tone in the voice. I know it's a style to sing with the voice resonating nasally or back in the throat, but I think it takes something away from the music. I'd work on shaping the words more effectively so they don't get lost in the emotion. You have great relationship to the text, but the voice, like the guitar, needs to be tuned effectively to express it sonically. Overall pretty good draft of an original original

[watksco]

Great job - love your vocal sound. I agree with Hummingbird RE clarity of vocal sound.One thing, you're shifting tense in the bridgebridge/future: One dark night you'll see itpresent: But in a flash of light it fades and goes awaypast: Have you gone astray?present: Let me help you find your way...It's not clear what you're getting at as a result.

[partyofone]

Hey Vikki and watksco, thanks for the detailed feedback!Yeah that disguise line was nagging me a bit and perhaps that's the problem. I'll try to retool it. On the "true north" I guess was referring to some kind of inherent purpose or sense of self that one might have but lose sight of.. albeit kinda vaguely referring to it. Perhaps I can find a way to better communicate the meaning there. I'll admit I have a tendency to choose a poetic sounding line at the expense of clarity of meaning I can appreciate what you're saying about the clarity of the vocals. I also believe in communicating a lyric effectively so I'll keep that in mind.watksco...good point.. how about..Through the dark night you see itBut in a flash of light it fades and goes awayBefore you lead yourself astrayLet me help you find your way...It's funny how I never even consider tense when I write!

[billg]

hey Patrick, I don't focus as much on lyrics as I should . . . including my own!I think the second verse "whispers in the darK" is a stronger start for the song than the "they all laughed at you" line. If i were you I'd 'flip=flop" the verses to have the strongest first.this is gonna be a strong song, can't wait to hear the demo!

[partyofone]

Ahh wow interesting thought.. funny, because I was wondering if the opposite was true with the strength of the verses. But I can see how "they all laughed at you" might not have as much impact as "whispers in the dark". I'll think that one over. Thanks Bill!

[heinsite]

hey patrick--i really like the vibe to this. can't tell you how to produce it, i can hear it acoustically driven, not real hard electric guitar driven...and with lots of the white and black keys too!my only other comments after 2 listens:--clarity of the vocal obviously needs work, but you'll fix that.--i personally LOVE the "true north" line, i got it at first without the lyric, and dig it, it's brillliant--wish i wrote it...--now one of many things i've been doing on occasion in the past--when i've been smart enough--, (and then Seskin said it at the rally), is JUST what billy g said--try flipping the verses...i think it would help the lyric flow a bit better...--now don't get pissed, but in your chorus, your hook line/title of "no one" i'd make up my mind and pound EITHER "like i do" OR "no one" ,"let me undoall that's untrue 'cuzno one knows youlike i dolike i do" and pound the "like i do". that's how i'm hearing you sing it, so i'd pop it out and pound us with it all you can, unless you do the same thing with "no one," no one, no one instead.anyway, that's all i got, i can hear it man, i can!all the best,warren

[partyofone]

hey warren thanks!I'm glad you liked that line... it was one of my favs in the song but I can see where it might be a bit vague.I didn't realize Seskin suggested flipping verses.. I missed his class but that's cool. I've heard of putting the 2nd first and scrapping the first but me being the lazy songwriter I'd much rather not on the chorus are you saying to dig in vocally and make that last line stand out more? basically sell the hook more right? I'll give that one some thought.thanks for the ideas warren!